I love my living room. I think I have always known this, but talking about things with my therapist today really solidified it in my head: I really love my living room.

I didn’t always. There was a time when it, like the entire rest of the house, disgusted me. It had dark wood panelling and horrid wallpaper and just looked like a disgusting, old, dirty cave. When we pulled the paneling down I worked very hard to find the perfect paint color, a very light grey-green. I have two shelves of photos, one of Den and me, one for Devin. I hung some of my photos on the wall. It’s not done yet – there’s still a built-in bookcase to paint, and the trim hasn’t been painted yet either. But it’s airy. Bright. There are windows on both sides of the room that we open to let a breeze through. Even when the rest of the house is too warm, I sit beneath the lazily spinning ceiling fan and feel perfect. I can sit here and look out at our yard, at the sky and the sun. Yesterday morning I set up my laptop, pulled out my notepad, and worked on some freelance projects. I felt at peace – and how often does that happen? I love this room for that reason alone.

This was the room I set up camp in when I got my Zoe as a puppy. Both of our desks and computers were in the second bedroom (the “baby’s room”), with far too many cords and other chewables for a new puppy. So I shut all the doors, set up the baby gate, and used the living room as my home base. I had my laptop on the kitchen table, the TV, the couch, and lots and lots of dog toys. I remember those months with so much joy. There was no baby at that point, no TTC. No job. Just my little furry baby and me all day. We’d play on the floor with her toys, then she’d sack out on my lap or on her pillow like only a baby can. I’d watch TV for an hour, legs going numb, because I couldn’t bear to move her.

That’s always how I pictured my time with a baby: here in this living room, baby toys everywhere, just me on the floor all day, doing nothing and everything… and finding joy beyond words in doing it. This room has all those memories, and all those hopes and dreams. I hope someday I’ll be able to fulfill them.