Revised plans
This is a little intro I wrote for somewhere else online. I wanted to post it here too.
I have spent the last three and a half years waiting. At first we thought it would be a short wait, so I held off on everything. Then we were neck-deep in treatments, so I couldn’t do anything. Then I got pregnant! It was the blissful wait… with the wrong ending.
After Devin died I was right back into waiting, but this time I got a job… for a little while, I said. I’ve been at that job for 10 months now. I am not pregnant. I look back at the last ten months and think, thank doG I got something accomplished in that time. At least I was busy, at least I was making money, at least we’re working on the house. It is NOT wasted time.
Infertility and loss have well and truly fucked up my life plan. I spent a long time being angry about that, and being fretful that I’ll never get it back on track. I hit the pause button on my life and lived in limbo for a long time, convinced that was my only option. After all, I have no idea when I will get pregnant. It could be in two weeks, or 4 months, or a lot longer. Three and a half years ago I never even considered the possibility that it could take over three and a half years. I have learned that nothing goes as planned.
The longer I wait the more I realize that what I need to do is change around the order of my plans. Until that part of my life starts I will work on the other parts. I am thankful that I got that job. We know my income will stop one day, so we’re throwing all of it into the house while we can. We made a garden, ordered a new front door. This summer we plan to have our hardwood floors refinished, paint the ceilings, replace the kitchen countertop, rebuild the stairs. All the little things we said “we’ll do later,” well we’re doing them now. Because we can. Because we don’t have something else to do.
In the end it will be very nice to have all these things done before a baby is brought home. Our house will be more finished, more living-friendly. Not that we couldn’t have had a baby in our house before but… it will be nice.
I used to not make plans because “I’ll probably be pregnant.” Well fuck that. I’m making plans. I’ll happily cancel them if I need to.
Living without a timeline is really freaking hard for me. But damnit, I’m tired of not living at all. If this is how it has to be, then so be it.
My plans have been completely changed as well. It’s not that we quit making plans, it’s that we move on to the other parts and tackle it out of order. I had committed to part time when my son almost due and then ended up trying to go back full time after he died which didn’t work out for another year. All for nothing. I would never commit to something like that again expecting my child to live. Too risky. That is literally what I’ve focused on with each and every loss every time…our finances and doing other things so that if/when it happens one day we will be in an even better place ready for it. It gives something to focus on and work toward anyway.
I cant imagine how you must be feeling. I have always been a list maker and have timelines for my whole life. When things do not go according to my “plan” I tend to get frustrated. I hope all goes well for you this cycle!
I really feel for you. I too struggled with infertility & attempted to put everything on hold. I did not even want to drink each cycle for fear that I was pregnant. All of the waiting really took its toll. I finally had to look at it as if I were reading a book and just didn’t know the end yet. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I’ve stopped putting life on hold, too. I thought I had done that once we stopped TTC, but lately I’ve realized that I’ve just been waiting for a placement. I’ve set up all these timelines in my head (we’ll have a child by the summer, we’ll definitely be parents by Xmas, etc) which of course only leads to disappointment. I’m trying to let go of that and just live life. It’s hard though. I’m sorry that so many women I know have been waiting far too long.
My life today is unrecognizable in comparison to what my plan was five years ago. Infertility is one reason for this, but there are myriad others. I suspect that even if you had gotten pregnant naturally on your first or second try, your life plans would still be FUBAR (if only because kids have their own agendas that take precedence over yours!). But I bet that you would be handling it with the grace you are showing every day. And now your grace runs very deep because of what you’ve endured.
and you know its when you’re too busy planning, organizing, working wtc that things go our way:)
I’ve said this before but its exactly what I did and low and behold I ended up pregnant with my daughter 6 mos later. Once I took my focus from babies to living life for myself I ended up with my daughter then my son all within 15 mos and not planned. But it took 3 long years to get there. I really admire your strength Natalie. Keep on living and before you know your life will be just as you thought it would be…just taking a different road and time frame to get you there!
I know exactly how you feel and how sucky is that? That intro was VERY profound. It really makes me think about what I could be doing in the meantime. It’s just, I have gotten so GOOD at waiting.