Today in a store I wandered into the baby section and didn’t tear up. It was a strange, double-sided feeling as I reached out to touch a soft baby sleeper… hopeful, and yet with so many images of the past sitting right in front of me.

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Not testing anymore was definitely a good decision for me. It still concerns me, and I still want to “check,” as if it could somehow assuage my fears, but it was nice to wake up this morning and just be pregnant for the day.

I’m also noticing that without something external to rely on I am listening more to my body. Even though my symptoms – and I’m still not sure if I can call all of them symptoms, they could be coincidences – aren’t very strong, I still “feel” pregnant. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s a definite familiarity about it. It actually feels a little strange to be feeling belly twinges and look down and not see a belly, to be starting from the beginning again.

I can definitely see why having some time between a loss and a new pregnancy can be a good thing. I have now spent over a year being not-pregnant, and it took well over 6 months to get used to it. And I think that double-image, being pregnant again without having the big belly where I left off, would have been quite hard without that time to adjust to starting over. I’m also quite happy to have dropped weight and be in the shape I am now when we start this journey again. Not that I wouldn’t have appreciated being pregnant sooner than this… had it happened I would have been thrilled and dealt with the weirdness. But I can see the positives in the wait. I’m here now, and that’s all that matters.

I am feeling so glad that Den is here. I didn’t sleep much more than a couple hours a night for several days before he arrived. Were it not for the pregnancy thing I would have been fine, but it’s just too much stress to deal with alone. There is something so comforting feeling him beside me in bed at night. I’ve had two solid nights of sleep now.

Den is doing much better than I expected, to be honest. Being pregnant again is going to be very stressful for both of us, obviously, but he’s always had a hard time being the observer… it must be doubly hard to place your hopes in something you can’t even feel. I wouldn’t blame him at all if he closed himself off until we knew more… guarded himself. But surprizingly he’s been very encouraging to me, very calming. Oh we’re both scared, but it’s just easier to go through when you have someone’s hand to hold.

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Late, but here is a pic I took on Monday, 4w1d. It’s a crappy pic and I don’t much like it, but, you know, first belly pic and all.

Interestingly enough I looked back through my first pregnancy’s belly pictures and this one most resembles… 5 weeks. Wow. I thought I had more belly flub left over than that… but apparently I had a bit of belly to start with last time too.