I know I’m still on estrogen, so maybe that’s why everything is still all weird. Maybe my sense of smell has evolved. Maybe my body chemistry has changed from the pregnancy. All I know is that I take a shower every morning, I have not been running or exercising (oops), but by the time I go to bed I just keep wrinkling my nose at that smell. And don’t even make me go there after I wake up from night sweats (which I have also been having with some frequency). I clamp the blankets down around my shoulders and do not, under any circumstances, lift them.

But then, maybe it’s not me – or rather, not that my body scent is stronger. I’m still really noticing other smells as well. Dealing with customers… well, you know how it is. But it’s other things too… the smell of dog, the smell of garbage. I’m being assaulted with stinky things.

The smells thing is not new to this cycle, it’s been ongoing, but some other things are. I mentioned the strange bowel pains I was having after transfer, I attributed that to the bloating and such. Well, it’s still happening. I’m getting frustrated, because everything should be back to “normal” by now. Granted it’s not quite the same kind of discomfort as it was with all the bloating, this feels more like gas pain. When it happens, though, it doesn’t rightly matter what it is, it just hurts. Sharp little stabby pains through my tailbone. I’m at a loss. What the heck is different now than before a month ago? The only thing I can think of are the iron pills – I bought a different brand. And I know iron can cause upset stomachs, but sharp gas bubbles? And it’s not like I’ve been taking them consistently, anyways. When I don’t take them I definitely notice a difference in my body temperature… but no difference in the gas bubbly pain.

::

I am feeling a lot of relief that the last cycle is over. In many ways just getting an answer – though it was the wrong one – at least was an answer. It let me breathe again. I’m either pregnant or not pregnant, and I can deal with either of those… but the in-between not-knowing is just plain aweful.

There are a lot of things to enjoy about the first half of a cycle, when I don’t have to worry about the embryo-that-may-become-a-fetus:
* I can drink alchohol when I’ve had a bad day… or when I just really want one
* I can eat whatever I want without worrying about listeria or toxoplasmosis or whateverthefuck
* I can bump into things or squash my stomach against a counter without worrying for the next hour
* I can bounce and run and ride rollercoasters (okay, so they’re still closed – but I could)
* I can lose weight without worrying that I’m not eating enough nutrients

Basically, I can just live my life without over-analysing every single moment for how it may affect implantation and a possible baby. And I know that normal people don’t spend their “pre-pregnancy” weeks over-analysing and worrying. But we’re far beyond being normal people in this. We have seen too much, had too much happen to us, to blithely believe that things will just work out without some help. I think there will always be the fear that something we did or didn’t do somehow affected the outcome. And it’s not that I want to live my life being paranoid – but I guess it’s the “better safe than sorry” mentality. I would like to avoid all possibility of giving myself something to feel guilty about. If I lived my life as best I could, followed all the rules, then at least I know I gave it my best shot. At least I know it wasn’t anything I did.

I am really tired of all of this, but I know I can’t take time off. It is extremely frustrating to me that my entire life has been taken up with this. For years. And it will probably be another several years. We’ll keep doing IVF until I get pregnant, then I’ll be pregnant, then I’ll be nursing, and then we will want to get pregnant again somehow as soon as my body is ready. Is that ideal for my body? No. I recognize that. But I also recognize the fact that my husband is going to be 43 this month. Whatever children we want to have will need to come in the next 5 years or they will probably not come at all… we want to raise our children, help put them through college… and, you know, someday my husband would like to actually retire. At least the pregnancy part is enjoyable for me… I definitely have that to look forward to.

I just feel so jealous of people who can just decide when to get pregnant. They get breaks. They go from “not at all pregnant” to “pregnant.” There is that clean line for them, it’s easy. For me, for the rest of us… we’re stuck in between. Every month we might be. And every month that we’re not it just drags out longer, until you’re years down the road and you don’t even remember what being “not pregnant” even feels like anymore. Yes, these two (three) weeks are a bit of a relief, indeed.