One Year
So here we are, more than a year after that day. I’m not even really sure how I got here… it certainly doesn’t feel like it’s been a year already. And yet in some ways it feels like an eternity since that day… like a span of my whole life has passed between then and now.
I worked the whole week. I wasn’t entirely sure I would, but I figured I would just take it as it came. Wednesday was, by far, the worst day. That was the day I realized AF was hitting, and I spent the last hour of the day in tears. I thought to myself, if today is so bad, how is the rest of the week going to go?? I prepared myself for the worst. But, as is typical, it didn’t go as expected. Somehow, by the time Thursday rolled around, I had already processed most of it. I had been grieving the cycle’s end since Monday, so I guess it was easier for me by then. The beta was no surprize. And, in a way, it felt a little relieving that at least it was over and now I could move on.
But, as I wrote earlier today, this period has not been an easy one. Very heavy, very crampy, very strange in many ways. The cramping wasn’t the usual vice-grips, it was more… labor pains. It felt so familiar. I remember standing at the drive-up window on friday, watching a customer drive away, thinking that it wasn’t so bad, I was doing just fine. As I was thinking that, the car pulling forward revealed a carseat in the back seat, just as one of those labor pain cramps squeezed my empty uterus. Maybe not as well as I thought, the voice in my head said sadly.
I ran out of my normal pads, since it was so heavy, so I found myself digging around the closet for the package of pads I knew I had in there somewhere. I found them on the top shelf – big, thick pads. The ones I bought – and haven’t used – since my post-birth lochia. I stood there for a minute, holding them in my hands, thinking about how very ironic it all was. The timing of this all is just beyond ridiculous. It doesn’t feel sorrowful, though – just strange. Sad. A little bit of deja vu.
I was getting nervous by Friday afternoon, thinking about everything we had yet to do for the dinner party. I had gone shopping to buy all the needed food ingredients, as well as picking up a tablecloth, placemats and cloth napkins – I really wanted the evening to be… well, not quite formal, but not casual either. We don’t exactly host dinners very often. Or ever, really.
The evening did go very well, other than a few minor things. Hearing my MIL greet my neice was hard – I can dote on her all I want, but hearing others do it is always a little grating, especially on Devin’s birthday. The food was behind schedule so we ate later than planned. And we served steak, but didn’t realize BIL and SIL couldn’t eat steak on fridays during Lent (they brought fish, and it was no big deal). But all in all everything came out just fine. The men mostly were the ones cooking – shocking, I know. I did the cake and icing earlier, I organized everything and had recipes out, but then Den took the reins with BIL (who is a fabulous cook) giving him some help and instructions, and I realized I was just one extra person in the kitchen. So the women ended up sitting with the baby while the steaks cooked.
We obviously have a lot to learn about cooking and dinner parties – there were several times when I was really wishing I had Mrs. Spit in my pocket to refer to (note to self: pay more attention to Mrs. Spit), and I know it was far from perfect. But we enjoyed ourselves and it was a nice evening. I think we’d like to start entertaining more often, and I do think it was a very nice way to celebrate Devin’s birthday. Maybe we can make this a tradition.
The centerpiece I made.
The table set.
Flowers MIL brought for us.
Devin’s birthday cake.
Devin’s shelf with his gifts and cards on it. How wonderful was it to receive some birthday cards for him?!
And me with his gifts: his train, 2 angels, and a little sheep.
Happy birthday, my sweet boy. March 6 was a horrible day in so many ways, but it was the day we got to meet you. No matter what, I am your mama and always will be. I miss you – I will always miss you – but it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as it once did.
I woke up and sang him happy birthday.
Hugs to all of you.
Happy birthday little Devin. I can still see a spark in your Mama’s eyes.
Natalie this was a really warm and lovely post. Thinking of you.
Nat, you look so good in those last two photo’s. I’m glad.
And I’m sniffling. *hug*
This post was so touching. It has me in tears. Happy belated birthday Devin. You’re all in my thoughts *hugs*
k. Crying again. Gotta stop starting days off crying. At least this one is a bit better of a cry, lol.
And by the way, you look freaking awesome in those photos, I haven’t said it yet.
Happy Belated birthday, Devin. Missing you.
Your Mama is wonderful.
The presents and cards are beautiful. The table is beautiful. You’re beautiful.
Happy Birthday, Devin.
What a beautiful dinner. I am glad it went well. Happy Birthday, Devin.
I’m so glad the dinner party went well. This post was so touching. Happy Birthday, Devin Alin.
<3
Happy birthday lil guy. Very glad your dinner party went well. Much needed company I am sure.
Delurking here to say Happy Birthday to Devin and to send much love to you.
I knew that you had gotten Devin a present, but how nice that others did too. Glad you made it through OK! (((hugs)))
Happy Birthday Devin…..
Im glad to see your dinner party went well and everything looked awesome. I know you are going through a really hard time right now…But know that we are all pulling for you…You are probably the strongest person that I read about – keep up the strength cause its an inspiration to all of us!
(((HUGS)))
The cake looks delicious. I am glad that the evening was nicer than you anticipated. It will be a great way to celebrate Devin every year!
you will always be his Momma, nothing can change that. i sort of relish knowing that fact.
i am thinking of you and your sweet boy Devin at this time
Happy Birthday Devin. A beautiful post–thank you for sharing Devin’s special day with us. {{hugs}}to you and Den.
Thinking of you and your birthday boy on this day. Happy Birthday Devin.
you look STUNNING in those photos. like a proud mother. devin is one lucky boy even if he only got to hear your voice and feel the tender touch of your hands through the womb. he knew you were there. he was comforted by your presence and you were with him every day of his life. that’s amazing.
I have been following your blog for nearly a year now. You inspire me. You’ve been through and continue to go through so much. I’m glad that March 6th got to be a celebration for you. I will continue to read and watch your life unfold. Like you, I’m not really sure “what” I believe in but I know without a doubt there is something special in this world just waiting for you Natalie. And I can’t wait to see you get it. Happy birthday to Devin.
One of the lurkers here (just read the post after this one)
Wishing Devin and Happy Belated Birthday.
You are an amazing woman!!