Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies

The Worst Day Of Our Life

March 7, 2008 — 3:41 pm

First of all I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to every person who left a comment on my blog or forum journals…. it means so very very much to us that so many people care. I read every comment – tears streaming, but of gratitude as well as sorrow. Den read and cried too, and told me I have so many wonderful friends.

::

March 6, 2008 was the worst day of our life.

At my midwife appointment she couldn’t pick up anything on the doppler. She was really very good, she didn’t let on the true weight of it. She sent me for an immediate ultrasound. I was panicking, but just waiting for the ultrasound tech to say, “Oh there it is.” My fear level rose with every second that passed, until the tech said, “I’m so sorry.” There was no heartbeat. Nothing. There are no words to describe that moment. None. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I just wanted my husband there with me.

And then to realize that he was still inside me, and had to come out. The thought made me sick. Labor and delivery with no baby to take home. WTF kind of cruel joke is that. I just wanted someone to wave a magic wand and make it all disappear. Every time I passed by a mirror my pregnant body mocked me.

They started the induction at 1:00pm with some pills. They intended to add pitocin once my body was ready, but they never got that far… just the vaginal pills did it all. I had no delusions of going natural, given the circumstances. I did manage to get a shot of something in my IV that made me loopy for about an hour and took the edge off. When it wore off I just wanted more loopy, the pain of contractions really didn’t seem all that bad to me, but decided to get an epidural to make sure it was in place for delivery. They never got it in me. I can’t believe how fast it went. I delivered Devin without a drop of medication in my system (the loopiness had long since worn off). I find it ironic – I got my natural birth, and I hadn’t even intended to. I’ll be working on writing everything about labor and delivery down.

Devin Alin was born still, at 6:58pm. He weighed 4lbs 10oz and was 17″ long.

I am physically fine and recovering well. I had a very minor tear that required one stitch. I am tender down below, but it’s hardly bad enough to take anything for. That’s it. No cramping, no pain. My stomach feels… flabby. Weird. I hate that I still look pregnant. Another reminder.

They say he passed a few days ago, a thought that haunts me… I can’t process it. They have no answers for us, and say they may never have answers, but they are going to run tests try to find out. They say it happens – could be just a cord accident, a placental accident. An accident. We of course can’t stop thinking the “what-ifs.” They tell you not to, that it does no good to blame yourself, to wonder. But how can you not. What if… what if. As if you could somehow go back and change things.

We got to see him, hold him. He was perfect. It was horribly morbid in so many ways – he had obviously passed. Things weren’t “right” about him. But he had the cutest little nose. Some brown hair. What really got us was his hands. Perfectly formed hands, with long skinny fingers, just like his mama. My finger fit just perfect in his fist. We stroked his perfectly formed little fingers and just cried and cried.

He was our little boy, our Devin Alin. We hope to someday get pregnant again, light willing. But there will never be another Devin. I don’t want another baby – I want THIS baby.

Den was wonderful through it all. His way of dealing is to dedicate himself to taking care of me. He held my hand, he encouraged me, he reminded me to relax through contractions and get through them. We are as one, dealing with our grief. I don’t know how I would have gotten through anything without him at my side. When the grief strikes hardest, we cling to each other. As long as we have each other we can make it through anything. I am just so thankful to have him at my side. We give each other strength.

The hospital was really great. They took very good care of us. With one exception, everyone who came into our room was prepped on the circumstances and so very kind. Our nurses (who changed with the shifts) appeared to be dedicated to us and Devin. She took photos of him (which I have not gone through yet), she dressed him and cleaned him up for us and brought him to us, she gave us footprints and handprints, which I plan to hang on the bedroom wall. I am thankful for those momentos. I asked her specifically for handprints, to have them. To always remember.

It’s like I stepped out of one life and into another, one I never in a million years thought I would be in. I used to be Natalie, pregnant infertile and soon to be mom of a newborn. I am now Natalie, mother of a stillborn child. My stomach twists when I think that. My head reels. I don’t know who I am anymore. I know we will get through this, but we can’t see how.

Our son is gone. My stomach is empty and flabby, yet I have no child to hold. My heart is forever broken.

156 responses to “The Worst Day Of Our Life”

  1. Sarah says:

    Natalie,

    I have been a long time reader. I have never posted before. Your blog has helped me though some hard TTC times. I am so sorry for you and Den…for your loss. There are no words. So, just know, that I will be praying for you and Den.

    Sarah

  2. Artblog says:

    My hearts broken for you too Natalie. It’s all I can say besides you sound like an amazing woman, full of strength that just impresses me to bits.

    I hope one day, you’ll be blessed with another baby, he/she will never take the place of your son, you seem to understand that already but I wish it for you all the same.

    HUGS to you and I wish you more strength and courage for the months ahead.

    XXX

  3. M Kathleen says:

    Even though I too have lost a child, there are no words to heal this pain. I am so very sorry. All of us who have lost children are with you, as are our prayers.

  4. erin says:

    Natalie, I am literally sick for you, I had to go to before I could read all of this. I am dying for you. I dont know what else to say. It is not fair. Natalie, we love you, I wont forget Devin, or this blog, or anything Ive ever read here.
    ♥♥♥♥♥∞

  5. Morrisa says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I had the words to make it all better but I wanted you to know that my heart is truly broken for you.

  6. Ms. P. says:

    I know that there are no words to describe your pain, to comfort you or to help us understand why. But just wanted to let you know that I am just one of the many who has been thinking and praying and mourning with you.

  7. Anonymouse says:

    I have no words. You are being prayed for and cried with though.

  8. Shannon says:

    My heart breaks for you and Den. I have been reading your blog since the first IVF. (I like you got pregnant on my second IVF, 5 weeks behind you). I always admired your bravery in immediately embracing the pregnancy, not letting the bitterness of infertility carry over into the pregnancy and just finding and celebrating the joy of it every day. This is so unfair and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family through this difficult time.

  9. Kym says:

    I’m so sorry Natalie. I have tears in my eyes and I just don’t know what to say. My heart goes out to you and Den and Devin. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

  10. serenity says:

    Oh Natalie. I am so so sorry. I have cried so much today for you and Den. And Devin.

    Love and hugs and peace to you both. I will be thinking of you.

    xxx

  11. Lyanna says:

    Dear dear Nat and Den,

    We are here for you, and we will always remember that precious beautiful boy Devin Alin. I think it is incredibly courageous of you to come here and post – I had not expected to see any update for days.

    I’ve been crying all day for the three of you. I’d never expected, like you, to see this day. Things seemed to go so great and it was such a joy to see you thrive and grow and bloom in the last nine months. It is so cruel and unfair that it had to end this way.

    If there is anything we can do for you, you need to just ask. You have my email address, and I’m at lyannasdreams [at] hotmail [dot] com still if you want to talk on MSN.

    I hope the two of you can find the courage and strength to give it all a place in your heart someday. We’ll always have your back, and we’re thinking of you.

    Wendy and Arno

  12. alison says:

    I’m so so so sorry Natalie. You and Den are in my thoughts and prayers. I don’t have adequate words to express myself or make you feel better. Just know you, Den, and Devin are loved. xoxo

  13. Heather.PNR says:

    I am so very, very sorry.

  14. kcmarie says:

    There are no words to express how sorry I am for you and your husband!

  15. FiestyKel says:

    I am so sorry, its not enough, I don’t know what to say. I just feel so deeply sorry you are going through this nightmare.

  16. Freyja says:

    I’m crying for you. I’m so very sorry Natalie.

  17. Emerald Rose says:

    Dear Nat and Den,
    You are both so strong to go through this ordeal together. While reading your story, it just reminded me of ours just 10 weeks ago. I don’t want to go into detail as you’ve (probably) read it on my journal already.

    I’m glad you’re both going through this as a team. That shows love and dedication to one another. They say time heals all wounds and it will. For now, find a place for this grief. Process it in whatever way you feel you need to. Just do this together.

    I’m here if you want to rant. You can contact me at emeralds[dot]roses[at]gmail[dot]com. You are in my prayers.

    Hugs to you both!

  18. I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts.

  19. Beth says:

    My heart is broken for you and Den. It’s definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever heard someone go through in regards to starting a family. I still cannot believe this… almost as if it’s just a bad dream and tomorrow things will be just as they were… what I do want to say is that I’ll be praying for you guys… that’s the only thing I can do – and just be here if you ever need an ear. What gives me hope is to hear the love that you and your husband have for one another… that you are going through this with someone who loves you and you love so much… hang on to each other as tightly as you can because I think you’ll find in time that this is what love is /really/ about… love in the good times, and love in the devastating times :( I’m so sorry, Nat. I’m so sorry to hear this… my heart just grieves for you and your family and the loss of such a sweet and wonderful life that you had already loved so much.

  20. Kim says:

    I am so very sorry. My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry that ths has happened to you and Den.

  21. D says:

    I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss.

    D

  22. MoMo says:

    I am so sorry for your lost-my heart breaks reading your story. God bless you and your family.

  23. puppermom says:

    Words cannot express how sorry I am for you and your husband. God give you strength.

  24. Jacquie says:

    You have touched my heart reading this post. How that happens to strangers “reading” each other lives?? It still gets me.

    I’m so sorry. Love to you and your DH.

  25. Sheri says:

    Natalie, I was holding off on commenting because I think I was trying to pretend this wasn’t real, like it was just a bad dream. I’m sorry I was wrong.

    I can’t imagine what you & Den have been through. All I can say is that I’m so so so sorry that this has happened. You have been in my thoughts more than you can know. Sending you hugs because that is all I can think of to do. Love, Sheri

  26. Heather says:

    Oh Nat, I am so so sorry and sad for you! I’ve been thinking about you non-stop since yesterday. I’m sending you a big hug across the computer. There are really no words. I’m here for you.

  27. Steph says:

    Nat, I am so very sorry. I don’t know what to say, not that anything would make it better or even bearable.
    I can’t stop thinking of you and how awful this is. We’re all here for you.

  28. Jen says:

    Words cannot express how sorry I am for your loss, as a stranger in blogland my heart is aching for you in a way I can’t even describe. No parent should ever experience this, no one. I’m just so sorry.

  29. Jess says:

    *hugs and holds you both* I’m so very glad that you got to hold him and have momentos. I’ll look forward to seeing the hand prints.

    I’m so incredibly sorry. Devin was a joy and already did so much for your lives. I hope that another miracle will happen for you – never to replace Devin, but in addition to him.

    If you need ANYTHING, let us know. I’ve already got some gov’t contacts working to help find additional support for you if you chose it.

    Ben and I love all of you.

  30. Melissa says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss Natalie. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. It’s not fair and it makes me angry and sad and angry some more because of what you had to go through to get pregnant on top of everything else. I’m not sure what else to say except I will be thinking of you and Den and Devin.

  31. Io says:

    Natalie, I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my prayers.

  32. Jen says:

    There are no words to express my sorrow and heartache for you and Den and Devin. I am truly truly sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I am so sorry.

  33. Amanda-mybeachbabies says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss. You will all be in my thoughts and in my prayers.

  34. Kellie says:

    My heart breaks for you and your husband. I will keep you, your family, and especially your son in my prayers.

  35. Larisa says:

    Coming from Serenity. I can’t begin to express my sorrow for you and your husband. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  36. Ahuva Batya says:

    Strength, understanding, love to you from me, a total stranger, who is yet weeping for your loss.

  37. FallinWoman says:

    Natalie, I am so sorry. Just so sorry. ~ Anne

  38. Lady In Waiting says:

    My heart is also broken. I am so so so so very sorry. There are no words to describe the sadness in my heart for you.

    Try to be good to yourself….

    XOXOXO

  39. My Reality says:

    I am so sorry for your loss.

  40. Jen says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

  41. kerri - pezkb says:

    My p & pt are with you and your family. I cannot even imagine the pain and confusion you must be going though. I sit here in tears wishing I could reach out an offer a hug, an answer, a time machine, an alternate reality. I really do wish the most love, support, and peace to you and your family. I am glad you have some momentos of dear Devin.
    xo

  42. Amy says:

    I am so incredibly sorry, there are no words other than that. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  43. Misty says:

    Long time reader – you were due 10 days before me. I can’t believe it. I am so shocked, so sorry. So very sorry.

  44. Jess says:

    Mary McClain from the Massachusetts infant and child death bereavement program said she would contact you on Monday. If you aren’t comfortable with that, it is more than ok. *hugs* I linked to their site in Flight.

  45. Dawn (jdawn) says:

    I am so sorry, Natalie and Den.

    (I know of you from BOLU, and read your blog ocassionally….)

    I cannot fathom what you are going through, and I curse life/God/the universe that life is so damned unfair!

    My thoughts are with you.

  46. beagle says:

    Here via Mel.
    My heart breaks for you, I am so very sorry.
    This is beyond unfair.

  47. Sarah says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I’m here from Lost and Found. I hadn’t come across your blog before today but I’ve been thinking of you and your little boy all day with tears. My thoughts are with you.

  48. squarepeg says:

    God Nat, I’m just sick for you guys. I don’t know if this will help at all or hurt, and I hope it won’t hurt – I have a good friend who underwent the same tragedy. Her little girl Candace was born still at 37 weeks, probably due to cholestasis of pregnancy. It was and is very important to her to talk about Candace, to remember Candace, to treat her as the real daughter and person that she was. She also read and recommended the book “Empty Cradle, Broken Heart.” Not sure if you are in the mood for a book yet but wanted to throw it out there.

    I hope very much that in time you are granted peace.
    ~Elizabeth

  49. Kathy says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what you are feeling right now. I am glad to hear that your doctors and nurses were so thoughtful and caring and gave you so many momentos of your dear son Devin. I also found your blog from Lost and Found. I am almost 24 weeks pregnant through an FET with a baby girl that will most likely be born still, due to severe congenital heart defects, sometime in the next month or too. We haven’t given up hope, but her chances look very bleak and we are trying to prepare ourselves for that outcome. Anyway, if it makes any sense it was helpful for me to hear about what your experience was like (at least how your doctors and nurses were comforting and such) as I will likely have to go through something similar soon. I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. Life can be so unfair. You, your husband and your angel will be in my thoughts and prayers. Take care and God bless, Kathy

  50. Becca says:

    Again I’m so, so, sorry. Those of us that have lost children can tell ourselves that we will get through it, but we don’t WANT to get through it. No woman should ever go through what you have been forced to go through. I know words may not do much right now to heal your pain, but please know you are loved, Devin was loved, and there are so many people out here praying for you, Den, and your families during this incredibly difficult time. Even though I don’t know you, I can tell from the way you write that you are an incredibly strong and brave woman. We are here for you.

  51. Pepper says:

    Reading this brought me to tears. I can’t even imagine what you and your beloved are going through right now. I wish you much peace and healing and will keep you all in my prayers.

  52. Janelle says:

    Natalie-
    I have been thinking of you since I heard the news on BOLU. I just cannot believe that you are going through this. I am thinking about you and praying for Denis and you, as well as your little angel Devin.

  53. Lannie says:

    I’m so, so sorry for you guys. There are no words.
    Grieving for you here in the Netherlands. Take care sweethearts….

  54. Kelly says:

    Youre the first blog I read everyday! I am stunned to say the least!! Thinking of you in FL! Praying for strength!

  55. Sarrah says:

    I am so sorry for you and your husband. I was so devastated for you when I saw the news on JM. I’m sure no words will take the place of Devin, I just want to offer my sincere condolences and big hugs! God bless.

  56. Lizzy says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take the pain away. Just know that I am thinking of you and I care deeply.

  57. Ashleigh says:

    Natalie- I found you through Lost and Found and I wanted to tell you how very sorry I am that your son Devin has died. Your story brought back so many memories… I wish there was something I could do or say to ease some of your pain but I know there is nothing.

    Thinking of you

  58. Sarah says:

    Natalie and Denis, my heart is breaking for you.

    All three of you are in our thoughts.

    — Sarah & Chris

  59. Emma says:

    I have been following you silently for a long time. There is nothing I can say that wouldn’t sound hollow

    I am devastated for you. My heart is hurting, and i wanted to say how brave you are for sharing this.

    Thinking of you both.

    I am desperately sorry for what you have gone through.

    Hugs from across the ocean xxxxxxx

  60. Ashley L. says:

    I am so sorry for the shocking and horrible blow you have experienced. I am so sad. So sad.

  61. Kristy says:

    Hi Natalie. I don’t know if you remember me but I used to be in the 1982 babies buddy group with you. I am sooooo sorry for your loss. I am sitting here crying for you. (((hugs)))

    Kristy

  62. Erica says:

    There are no words. I am so sorry and sad for you and your husband. My heart is breaking for you.

  63. Basia says:

    I am soo so so so sorry for your loss. There is no words to express that. I am praying and thinking about both of you!

  64. Amanda & Hugo says:

    I’ve been thinking of you all nonstop. I feel like there is nothing I can say, but just wanted you to know my thoughts are with you 24/7. I am so glad you got to hold your precious Devin. I know he will be with you always.

  65. chris says:

    I am so terribly sorry.

  66. M says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family. I admire your strength so much. You are a brave lady.

  67. Nola says:

    Nat…my heart is just aching for you & Den. Keep leaning on each other. We’re here when you need us. :hugs:

  68. Giantspeedbump says:

    This is my first visit to your blog and I just wanted to say how very sorry I am. I experienced an early loss but can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel at this time. Bless your little boy and may you always cherish being his Mom.

  69. Meg says:

    It aches to read this. I am incredibly sorry that you have lost your son.

    I cannot imagine the grief and pain you and your husband are in right now. I do agree with your thoughts that you will come up for air sometime but you just do not know how you will get through. Each will feel different, maybe not better…or worse…but different.

    You have quite a virtual support team.

  70. tash says:

    Natalie, I’m in tears with you. It is like that, one day and suddenly there’s a before and after in your life that you never in a million years thought would be there. I’m very thankful that you got to hold him, and get pictures and handprints. And I’m so unbelievably sorry this happened to you. Know that you have a lot of support in the computer if and whenever you’re ready. I’m thinking of you all.

  71. Aubrey says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m keeping you and Den in my thoughts. I’m glad you have the support from all these people who care about you, and I hope it helps any way it can.

  72. Jill says:

    Natalie, my heart is absolutely broken for you. I cannot imagine what you’re going through. Please know you’re in my thoughts and I’m so sad for you and your family. Your little boy will always be with you…that much I know. Take good care of each other.

  73. Sue says:

    Came to you through Lost & Found. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. There are no words to ease the pain right now, so just know that others are thinking of you. You are not alone.

  74. MW says:

    Oh no, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

  75. Ms. C says:

    Nat,
    This really is the most unfair thing ever. My heart is aching. I have no words, just many tears along with you and Den. I am so very sorry. I will always remeber all you have written about Devin.
    I send you much love and peace.

  76. Giulia says:

    Natalie,
    I am at loss of words. There is nothing I can say that can make things better….I am so incredibly sorry for your and Den, I hope you can feel the warmth of my hugs and prayers…you and your baby will be forever in my toughts.
    Giulia

  77. JuliaS says:

    I am truly very sorry. I know there is nothing that can be said.

  78. Searching says:

    I am so, so very sorry for the loss of your Devin. Sending you prayers.

  79. Leigh says:

    I don’t know how you had the strength to write today. My heart is broken for you. I am keeping you and Den in my thoughts and prayers.

  80. MrsSSG says:

    My mouth is still hanging open in disbelief and shock, my heart is breaking for you and Den. Praying for you to get through each day together.

  81. Aurelia says:

    I am so very sorry to hear of your loss…this is so awful, so sad, I wish there was something I could say unfortunately I know that nothing truly helps at this time.

  82. Katrina says:

    I am so so so sorry. I am sending you hugs and love across the internet. I wish I could do something to help you, and if you think of anything, please don’t hesitate to ask. I am heartbroken for you.

  83. Jill says:

    I am here via woman who may not know you in real life but love you like they do and I am so sorry to hear about the loss of Devin. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers!

  84. Kristina says:

    I can’t stop thinking about this! It has consumed my day. My heart is heavy. I feel so bad for you guys. I cannot imagine your pain right now. I have been praying for peace for you both. I am so very sorry for your loss.

  85. Susan says:

    I am very sorry for your loss of Devin. I’m sending {{hugs}} your way. (I’ve come by way of Serenity)

  86. MrsYak says:

    My prayers are with you and your husband during these darkest of days.

  87. waitingamy says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss, Devin sounds beautiful. This is just so terribly unfair. My thoughts are with your family.

  88. Gaelen says:

    I am new to your blog…came here by way of Serenity’s blog.

    I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. I’m thinking of you and your family.

  89. SaraS-P says:

    Oh, I am so so very sorry. This is truly heartbreaking. I cannot imagine getting so far and having it end. I am definitely thinking of you. Tears are being shed for, Natalie. I know Devin will be dearly missed and always deeply loved.

  90. Jamie says:

    So very, very sorry.

  91. Anth says:

    I am so sorry. I am praying for you.

  92. Donna says:

    I am from FF, from one of the IF boards, and I was heartbroken to read this. I know that there is nothing I can say or do that will ease the pain you & your family are feeling. My heart breaks for you. I do believe, however, that your beautiful baby Devin will forever be your guardian angel now.

  93. Kedu says:

    I am so sorry for your loss Natalie. My heart breaks for you. Please know you and Den are in my thoughts.

  94. Alicia says:

    I am in tears for you. You and Den will forever be in my heart and in my prayers. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

  95. Cibele says:

    I am so sorry, my heart is broken for you… i am so sorry

  96. Sara says:

    Natalie-
    I am an online friend of Heather and Sheri- they both told of their friend- you-This is the first time I have been to your blog- I am so sorry for your loss. I read above in another comment that someone from a bereavement foundation is going to be contacting you- another great resource that has really helped me is Share- their address is nationalshareoffice.com so whenever you are ready, which I know sounds odd- as you were never preparing for this in the first place- contact them they really are very helpful- I will be keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers, please know that you have many people thinking of you and your sweet boy Devin. You are not alone. Sending you loving and peaceful thoughts.

  97. Orodemniades says:

    I am so, so sorry for your loss. The greatest fear. Godspeed, Devin.

  98. Bea says:

    I just heard through another blogger. I wanted to come over here and say how sorry I am about your news.

    Bea

  99. M says:

    also here thru another blogger – just wanted to say I am so very, very sorry. There are no adequate words at a time like this…

    x

  100. Rebecca says:

    I’m so sorry to read of your loss. Thinking of you, and your partner.

  101. Virginia says:

    *hugs.. just.. hugs*

    Love both of you very much, and I’m holding this all in my heart.

    Raeyn/Virginia person

  102. Shelli says:

    I am so, so sorry. Words cannot express. Peace be with you and your loved ones.

  103. Kymberli says:

    I am so very sorry. I will be thinking of you and Den.

  104. Emmakirsten says:

    Again i want to say how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I have been praying for you and your family since I’ve read.

  105. TeamWinks says:

    I wish I had something witty or perfect to say for this type of situation. I guess there is nothing I can say to ease your pain. I just wish you never had to experience it in the first place. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Remember we’re all here to listen as you work through your grief. No matter how long that may take.

  106. DD says:

    I am truly sorry to hear of the loss of your son. We all hope that we can help carry you through these hours; these days…

  107. Ali says:

    Nat, Den, I am so very sorry for your loss. I really don’t know what to say and I can’t help but crying for you two. I am praying for the both of you, and Shea and I are here for you if you want to talk or to vent or just to cry on a loving shoulder. *hugs for the both of you* We are here if you need us.

  108. Lyanna says:

    There’s something in the mail for you. I hope it arrives unscathed. *hug*

  109. Rachel says:

    Natalie, I am so, so sorry for your loss.

  110. Nurit says:

    Hey Natalie. We’ve only met once and you don’t really know me well. Still, I would like to show my support to both you and Denis. You’re lovely people and I have the outmost appriciation towards both of you. I am sorry for your loss and I will always have both of you and Devin in my prayers.

    Stay strong. *hugs*

  111. Sandy says:

    I’m so very sorry for your loss.

  112. Maria says:

    Natalie and Den,

    I am so very sorry for your loss. Please know that I am praying so hard for you and your angel baby Devin. I wish there was more I could say to take your pain away, but just know that I’m thinking about you.

  113. Seri/Shannan says:

    Ben and I both are thinking of you and trying to think of how we can help and of course coming up with nothing. Patience and money and positivity can usually overcome so much but this is beyond anything and I just feel so useless, as everyone does.

    I agree with Den, from the looks of this, you certainly seemed to have made such an amazing impact on some new communities, and there are so many people that love you.

    If you want to escape your lives please come here and stay with us. I don’t know if that would help at all but it’s all I can think of.

    I love you guys so much. I’m so glad you have eachother.

  114. Monica says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

  115. VelvetMinxx says:

    I’m so very, very sorry.

  116. elizabeth says:

    I came here from Mel at Stirrup Queens. I am so very sorry for your loss. May you find comfort in each other.

  117. Amanda says:

    I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts and heart.

  118. Jen says:

    I am so sorry. I will be praying for all three of you.

  119. Kristin says:

    I am so sorry to hear about your sweet boy Devin. A friend of yours who commented on my blog directed me here and I wanted to offer my sympathy to you and your husband.

    We lost our son, our only child, three years ago Monday. I understand your unfathomable grief and I’m just heartsick for you.

    Please know that there are people who understand and care very, very much.

    I’m so sorry. You and your sweet boy will be in my thoughts and prayers.

  120. Lisa says:

    There are no words to properly express the sadness I feel for your loss. I will be thinking of you and your family as you come to terms with this new you. I am so glad you have such a wonderful husband to lean on.

  121. nikkiana says:

    I’m so sorry, Natalie. If there’s anything at all you need, please let me know and I’ll be down there.

  122. jen says:

    Shannan summed it up all so beautifully. My heart has been bleeding for days for you two. I can only imagine a tiny fraction of what you must be going through. Even coming close still haunts me to this day -so having the unthinkable happen is just too much to comprehend. You both are an inspiration in how you handling the grief. The love you have for each other and sweet Devin is a true testament to what kind of people you are. Please know you are in my heart as is your precious son Devin.
    With all of the love I can give
    jen

  123. erin says:

    Im still reeling from this, I keep coming back to see if you are doing ok, I dont really expect you to update but it feels like the more I visit the “closer” I am to you. I just cant get you out of my mind Nat, I want you to know I am thinking about you and trying manifest comfort and peace for you.

    again and again and again… much love

  124. Emily says:

    I don’t know if you remember me, but I was Mrs_Powell on FF. I’m so sorry to hear of this. I’m praying for you and you and your husband and for your precious little angel. Cling to each other and know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of so many people.

  125. Erin says:

    I am so sorry

  126. MrsLaLa says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine…((big hugs))

  127. Angie says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.

  128. Jen says:

    You don’t know me… I came to your blog from one of my patients. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you and your husband and I will be praying for you both… and your precious Devin. Stay strong. God bless you both!

  129. wanttobeamom says:

    I am so sorry. I have no words. I am crying with you. I can’t imagine the pain. I’m so so sorry.

  130. A Fellow White says:

    I have never gotten the chanch to meet you but when I came across the post at DM I wanted to come by and offer my sympathies. 10 years ago this month I also went in for an appointment and they could not find the heart beat. It is a horrible moment and a horrible time. My heart goes out to you and you will be in my prayers.

  131. Chas says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss.

  132. Akiva M. says:

    I just heard the news on DM – I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t know either of you, but I wanted to say something, and I hope you consider it.

    Friends of ours recently lost their son just before his first birthday. My in-laws lost a daughter nearly 20 years ago. Both have mentioned to me that one of the most helpful, comforting things for them, especially early on, was talking with others who’d suffered a similar loss. I know that to this day, some of my in-laws closest friends are other parents they met at Compassionate Friends (the support group they went to).

    its cliched, but its true -talking about it with people who know what you’re going through does help. find a support group, if you can.

    And may you both know only joy in the years to come.

  133. I’m sorry. Words will never be enough for the grief you feel or the pain I share with you both. I know there is little I can do from far away Singapore, but I will keep praying for you. My encouragement, love and support be with you both. I know it’d gonna be a hard road ahead, but I do will that you both be strong.

    I’ve not known you both very personally at my time at DM. But I remember you both fondly as people who have all the love in the world to give.

    May you keep the faith, and be for each other the love that our Creator has for you.

    Love,
    Jonathan

  134. Joy says:

    Your husband is an amazing man. And you had very sweet nurses. Keep those handprints close. Such a sweet thing for you to remember about your baby—his hands.

  135. Tara says:

    I’m so, so very sorry for your loss.

  136. Anonymous says:

    I’m so very sorry.
    I came here via Stirrup Queens. I can’t begin to imagine how you must feel. Wishing you strength to get through this.

  137. D. says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart broke when I read your post.

  138. manda says:

    I’m a friend of Kel’s from JM. I wanted to write and tell you that I am available if you need to talk(I can email you my number if you’d like). I too was “lucky” to have a wonderful man by my side after the death of my daughter. So many marriages fall apart after such a tragedy. Others are strengthened. I am lucky to be in the latter. Please remember that nothing you fell or think is wrong. Take care of yourself. I am so sorry. There really are no words, but I do have ears (and in the case of email… eyes).

    Den, I am so sorry for your loss also. During my grief journey, I learned that society all but ignores the father.

  139. millie says:

    I’m so very very sorry for your loss. There really are no words to express my sympathy for your loss. Thinking of you and Den and Devin.

  140. Babyblues says:

    I’m so sorry. I came here through Saras-P’s post. There’s just no words.

  141. jessica says:

    omg, i cant put how i feel about everything i have just read into words, but my eyes and face could. i started cryin and my lil one started hugging me. i couldn’t imagine how devastated you must be. my heart goes out to you and Den. you will be a mom again, but even though you will love that child noone will ever be able to replace Devin. again i’m sorry for your loss. best wishes in the future!!!!

  142. Erin says:

    Natalie…. I’m so very sorry. Thinking of you and your family.

  143. hope548 says:

    This is my first visit to your blog, referred over from others who know you. My heart is broken for the loss you and your husband have suffered. I am glad you are clinging to each other in your grief, and I wish you both peace and comfort in the coming months.

    Take care.

  144. Becky says:

    Oh, sweetheart, I just popped by from Sara’s blog and I wanted to say that I’m so very sorry. I don’t know you from a hole in the ground, but my heart aches as though we’ve been friends for years.

    I am so very sorry for your loss.

  145. noswimmers says:

    This is the first time I’ve been to your blog. My heart absolutely breaks for you–there are no words to describe the pain you must be feeling.

    My thoughts are with you.

    I am so very, very sorry.

  146. Heather says:

    There are no words. I am so sorry for your loss.

  147. I am so sorry Natalie & Den. Words fail me too because I have been there exactly at an appointment where they found no heartbeat,alone- the grabbing heart,the truth not revealed till the ultrasound tech said “I am sorry – there is no heartbeat”. My heart aches and my arms reach out to virtually hug you across the world and I too wish I could make it go away.

  148. Taya says:

    Nat and Den – I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Honestly, Kathana posted a little update on DM and I saw your names in the title, but I thought I could only expect joy – to hear that your baby was at home with you now or something.

    My heart goes out to both of you and if I were close enough I’d give you each a massive hug. But as it is virtual hugs will have to do.

    *big big hugs*

  149. Rachel says:

    This just breaks my heart. I am so sorry for you loss!

  150. missingone says:

    Natalie, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. It is so impossibly unfair.Reading your story brought back so many memories. I remember too, that moment of thinking it was a cruel joke to have to go through labor without the reward, the live baby, in the end.
    Now though, I am proud that I went through labor, I did it for her, it was the last thing I could do for her as her mother.
    I’m glad you and Den are clinging to one another. The road is so hard and long ahead of you, but together, I hope you may find peace and hope again.
    Again, I am so sorry! I have tears streaming down my face now for you two.

  151. Jennifer says:

    I have no words but I am grieving with you. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  152. jackie says:

    Natalie,
    This is my first visit to your blog and I am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.

  153. maya says:

    I have no words to say. I am so sorry for your loss. Please, try and stay strong.

  154. Pam/Wordgirl says:

    I am crying here in Minnesota, deeply moved by your courage to share such a difficult journey. Thank you for your strength and courage.

    Pam

  155. lynda says:

    you are in my thoughts. you seem like a very strong women from the few posts i’ve read and i have no doubt that you will recover. there will always be a place in your heart for devin but the future will hold good things. i just know it.
    take care of yourself and take time to stop and smell spring.

    (btw, i made my way here through numerous loss links….all these blogs have helped me through my miscarriage. so many strong women, it’s so amazing.)

  156. zarqa says:

    I just found you through another blog. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I lost my boy at 34 weeks in Sept 2004, also due to a cord accident, a velamentous insertion. The pain never really goes away completely but it does get less raw over time. And we never really are the same again. I wish you peace in the coming days, weeks, months and years.