Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies

One foot in front of another

March 8, 2008 — 6:26 pm

Writing is cathartic for me – it’s always been the first thing I turned to when I was feeling emotional. That was one of the hardest parts of being in the hospital: I had nothing with me. No laptop. Not that I would have had wireless anyways, but not being able to write down what I was feeling and thinking drove me a little crazy. I still have so much more to write, but I decided to keep posting in here about the day to day happenings while I’m writing the whole birth story.

Physically I am feeling mostly okay. I don’t have to pee every half an hour anymore, which is kind of nice – especially since peeing causes some stinging down there where I tore a little bit. I’m a little tender, but it’s still minimal.

My breasts, however, hurt. The the last few hours it has gotten worse and worse… my milk has definitely come in. They are rock hard and so sore. It’s a sad reminder of what I am missing, but it also reassures me that my body can do this correctly. Next time, next time.

People have been dropping in the past two days. After Devin’s birth we hadn’t gotten up the strength to call anyone – thursday evening was spent saying goodbye to him, and in the morning we just wanted to get everything set and go home. It was friday evening before we felt emotionally ready to make phone calls. Just as we were going to do so there was a knock on the door – it was Den’s mom and step-father. His mom said she just wanted to give us a hug, even if we wanted her to turn around and go home, that she had to come and hug us. So we sat for a while with them and talked to them and cried. She told me my mom was going out of her mind… I guess my mom and called my MIL a few times… my mom, being so far away, being unable to come here and comfort me… she was beside herself. The two mothers shared their grief – I am very glad they had that. I feel very badly for my mom, that she’s hurting so much… I know how much she cares, how deeply she grieves for us… but at the same time, I don’t know if I could have dealt with her on Thursday. I needed to focus on me and Denis.

This morning Den’s dad and step-mother showed up, and we again sat and cried and talked. I do find it so comforting that the family is all just beyond supportive. They’re understanding. I will never regret sharing with everyone our struggles with infertility, because they all get it. They know how much of a miracle baby this was, they know that we probably will not be able to just “get pregnant again.” We all hope it will happen, somehow, but everyone recognizes that it will take another miracle.

After they left a friend of mine stopped in… a friend I met online, from one of my forums. She and a couple of other girls live in the area and we’ve gotten together a couple of times. When she heard our news she was so upset, and I guess she organized a gift fund on the forum… today she showed up with a basket of little comfort gifts for me – soaps and books and chocolates and two stuffed animals, sheep of course – and bags of groceries for us. She and her husband stocked our fridge and freezer with all kinds of meal items, all contributed to from the gift fund.

I’m looking online at some loss and bereavement sites and found some memorial items that we really like. I want to get a memorial pendant to wear. I found this site. They do custom engraving of handprints and footprints – which to me is so much more meaningful than a stock image. Especially given how much his little hands mean to me. And a birthstone… Devin was born in March, he’s aquamarine like his daddy. I think that is fitting for our little boy, I like that.

Friends of ours wanted to get us a plant of some sort and suggested planting a memorial tree, which we both really like the idea of. And I’m thinking a marker stone at the base of it. Devin is going to be buried in the hospital’s graveyard – we have no family plot or grave and really no wish for one (as neither of us particularly want to be buried, we’d rather be cramated and have our ashes spread somewhere or something), so we let the hospital take care of it. So I think the idea of a memorial marker in our yard is really nice for us. Den agrees with me and thinks that it would be a good time to have family over – to plant a tree and set the marker. I’m really liking the idea of a small little “memorial” here, at the house. I’m going to get the certificate and hand and footprints framed. And I really do think that the family and friends would like to show up and offer support. People keep saying, “What can I do? What can I say?” And we don’t know.

We don’t need things, and in some ways we feel guilty about people spending money on us (we felt that way about baby items too, though), but people want to do something, anything to help. And it means so much to us that everyone is thinking of us. Please know that. We don’t need gifts to feel how much everyone cares – every comment on this blog is a comfort.

::

One of the weirdest parts of this mourning process is how you bounce back and forth. Den and I actually watched a really funny movie on TV Friday morning at the hospital, we were laughing pretty hard at it. It felt GOOD to laugh. And we didn’t really feel guilty about it, either. We needed it. But then someone would come in to talk to us about, say, memorial plots and services, and we’d be crying again and lost in the grief. It goes back and forth all day. I’ll be happily working on something online (granted it’s something regarding Devin, but that’s what makes me happy right now, getting things all set, capturing memories, organizing photos and stuff), and then I’ll read something… or a memory will surface… or I’ll click on a photo… and tears will be rolling down my face.

Looking at things doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. I stared at my most recent maternity photos today and just felt… glad… glad that I have them. Most of all I looked at my face reflected in the photo and felt sad that that joy is gone. The feeling of pure peace and contentment that I projected…. is gone. It’s kind of weird, like I’m looking at someone else. The memories… they sting, of course. It hurts because it’s gone. But at the same time, I’m so glad I have them. Devin did live for 8 months with us, inside me. And I cherished every single moment with him.

This morning Den said to me sadly that he wishes we had some video, that we never got some video of me being pregnant. And I told him… yes we did. I got videos of my belly moving, the first day we had the camcorder. They’re still on the camcorder, I haven’t figured out how to get them off of it… but I have them! And we both just cried realizing we have them. At least we have that. Every memory, every momento is precious. It has made me ever so glad that I kept track of this pregnancy like I did. Sometimes I felt foolish, blogging every detail, photographing my belly button, measuring my belly and my weight, but I knew I would look back fondly. And I do.

One of the items in that gift basket my friend brought us is a CD of songs. I’m not even remotely a country fan, but Garth Brooks’ song The Dance has me in tears… it’s just so fitting. For us the dance is pregnancy… and what a dance it was.

Garth Brooks – The Dance
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you’d ever say goodbye
And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I’d have had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn’t I the king
But if I’d only known how the king would fall
Hey who’s to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I’d have had to miss the dance

36 responses to “One foot in front of another”

  1. erin says:

    i dont have any words, just sending my love

  2. Came over from the Lost and Found, and wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I’m so sorry.

  3. stacie says:

    Delurking to send you love and hugs. I am so very sorry for your loss. Words are not enough…

  4. Aubrey says:

    I’m glad you have so many memories of your pregnancy that you can look upon fondly. You guys continue to be in my thoughts.

  5. alison says:

    Thinking of you lots. I’m so glad you have these memories. Lots of love and hugs.

  6. Amanda & Hugo says:

    I am so glad you have people there in person to support you… I’ve felt bad most of us who know your story so well are online and not able to reach out to you in person! I am so glad too that you have your wonderful miraculous memories… and glad most of all that you have hope for the future. We all do for you too!

  7. Kristy says:

    I am constantly thinking of you guys……there’s just no words…..

  8. Freyja says:

    I check here and LP compulsively for updates. This post brought me to tears again. I’m so moved by this. Like everyone else I’m DYING to do something to “help” but I know there really is nothing… know your family is in my thoughts.

  9. MrsSSG says:

    Sending you care and comfort.

  10. Becca says:

    This post sent chills down my spine, and brought tears to my eyes. You are such an incredibly brave, and strong woman.

  11. Danielle says:

    I dont know you and you dont know me either, but i saw your story in a forum and have been lurking here ever since. I have no words for you, I just wanted to let you know that i am grieving with you, I am so sorry for your loss. I am in MA too, so if there is anything i can do to make things at least a tiny bit better for you I will be verry happy. You are a very strong woman, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers

  12. candace says:

    I am so sorry. I am from Crazy Adentures of a Wommy. I am grieving with you. Sending my thoughts and prayers. the world is cruel and this should not have happened to nice person as you.

  13. Shauna says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss…. I can’t even imagine your pain. I am sorry. Shauna

  14. Leigh says:

    I admire your strength so much, Natalie. Denis is so lucky to have you. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I can’t seem to stop thinking and worrying about you. Glad to see a post that you are doing ok (whatever that is).

  15. Raychel says:

    Although he was taken from you much to soon, I am glad you had 8 beautiful months with him. I’ve always been so inspired by you, b/c you really seemed to treasure every single step of your pregnancy with Devin in a way that I have actually seen few parents do.

  16. Beth says:

    That song has always been special to me, too. I feel the strength in your words though cannot get you and Denis off my mind.

  17. I sobbed as I read your post, especially the song lyrics. This shouldn’t have to happen to anyone. I’m praying for you.

  18. Clare says:

    Still thinking of you and really what else is there to say other than I am so sorry for your huge lost. I’m glad that you have pieces of memories that you can hold. I remember how vital that was for me when I lost someone I loved. You are in my thoughts. If writing and sharing is helping you, I am honored to read and listen to your words. You all are in my thoughts.

  19. Susan says:

    I’m glad that you have your pictures and good memories of Devin. I’m so sorry he had to leave this earth so soon. You are in my heart.

  20. Joy says:

    I found out about you from one of your dear online friends who has been so heartbroken for your loss. I wanted to come over and give you some E-HUGS and tell you how humble I feel reading your story. You are so candid and honest with your feelings. Cherish those little momentos from your pregnancy and don’t feel awful about crying, OR laughing! He was very loved and will not be forgotten!

  21. Steve says:

    Phew, thank lord I found this site… I was going out of my mind worrying about you.

    Our prayers are all with you both, such as they are… I just… I’m so sorry, Nat. :(

    Hit me up online or send me an email if you need to talk about anything, even if it’s to yell at me and call me a weenie. :)

    Love ya,

    Steve

  22. Emerald Rose says:

    Nat and Den,
    Reading all this brings back memories for me too. It seems you both are going exactly through the things we had gone through. I have no further words for this.

    I want to send you a poem I had received from my dad after our loss. Is it ok if I do this by e-mail?

    Please know that you are in my prayers and today at church I intend to also say a prayer for Devin. I may also put his name in our prayer intention book. I know you are not religious or even believers, but I hope that this token is equally appreciated.

    Take care *hugs*

  23. Barb says:

    dear little Devin

    How can it be that you are gone? You were so well inside that beautiful tummy of your moms……. how can it be? Where have you gone?

    Your mom and dad – they long for you with all their heart. They are so grateful that they got to hold you, to feel the shape of your head and see your tiny toes. They are the best parents you could have and they love you no matter what, even beyond the grave.

    I am so sad that you are not in this world. Your little life will touch so many people, but I don’t understand why it was so little. Why it was not a big life, full of memories, fights with your parents, broken bones, dancing, music….. and love. That part is the same. Your parents give you as much love as they have and ever will have. I hope you can feel it. I hope it goes with you….. wherever you have gone. It is a place we cannot see.

    I cry for your mom and dad.

    All my love little one.

    Rest well.

    Barb

  24. Lyanna says:

    Oy, I am glad to see you updating. I thought you would, since I know that writing is the way for you to get things out of your system … but this is no ordinary little thing.

    Arno and I find ourselves talking about the two of you so much these days. Arno never met either of you, but he’s followed your story through me and he is as equally heartbroken about this as I am. If I didn’t have a wedding to save for I would take that money sitting in our savings account and book a flight to get over there. I can’t however … and it makes me feel so powerless. Not that I could do anything when I was there but the distance somehow makes it all feel worse.

    I am glad to read that the two of you can find your little moments to let go a little, and laugh a little. I am also glad you have this blog and all the little momentos to remember Devin by. For a while I was terribly afraid it would only serve as a cruel reminder. To see you take comfort from it is a great relief, and also an attestment of how strong you’ve become.

    *bearhug*

  25. Emmakirsten says:

    I cried when I read this post. I think you are an amazingly strong woman.

  26. Ms. C says:

    I think of you guys constantly. I’m sending you lots of love.

  27. Jess says:

    *hugs you both lots* You know, one of my first coherent thoughts was, “I’m so glad she is as crazy about details as she is…” just like you said above.

    I’m also shocked that I was shocked at your writing. :P I know exactly the feeling to get it out NOW and feeling lost within everything inside your head and heart until you can. Well, I’m betting you aren’t lost. :P

    *hugs* What you said is exactly what I told Ben Friday night – Devin may not have lived outside the womb, but, he was very much alive to all of us every day of those 8 months we were blessed to have him. He’ll remain alive in our hearts and memories.

  28. Kelly says:

    I’m crying and hurting with you. You 3 have not left my mind since reading about your tragic loss. I am praying for you nonstop. I’m just so sorry! xoxo

  29. Ellen K. says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Your family is in my thoughts.

  30. jen says:

    I didn’t know how to express this last night after reading this beautiful entry – but I will try now. You are forever a mom. A wonderful, loving mother. Your love for Devin shines through and he will forever be in your heart – just as all mothers should be with thier children. I know that all of us mothers out there carry little Devin in our hearts as well. I think of you often and I know you know that even though we can’t be there in person – we are with you in thoughts and heart.

    Much love
    jen

  31. Barb (BARL5) says:

    Sending so much love your way Natalie. I understand the need to write and hurt for you that you didn’t have it right when you needed it. It’s the only real catharsis for me.

    XOXOXO to you and Den. Thank God you have each other through this.

  32. Michelle says:

    Natalie, I’ve been thinking of you and Den, and little Devin, nonstop. I am so glad that you’re finding comfort. I am just so incredibly sad for what you’re going through.

  33. Maria says:

    I’m so unbelievably sorry for you loss. We don’t know each other very well, and we’ve only met once at D*Con in 2005, but you two are still very much in my thoughts and prayers right now. Remember you literally have a world full of people behind you in this.

    *hugs*

  34. Cibele says:

    JUST WANT TO SAY THAT MY HEART IS BROKEN FOR YOU, I AM SO SORRY. I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU AND YOUR LITTLE ONE. MAY GOD GIVE YOU CONFORT AND STRENGTH. HUGS

  35. Betty M says:

    I came here from Lost & Found. I am so very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you from over the other side of the Atlantic.

  36. I am so sorry for the loss of your boy Devin. I felt my heart grab when I read of your loss on ‘Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters’ and had to visit your site.

    I loved the song the Dance too …it is so bittersweet and fitting.

    My favourite quote for a long time was
    “I’d rather have a moment of something wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special…

    I am in Australia and I am part of a group called Teddy Love Club we donate teddies to maternity hospitals to gift to bereaved parents so they don’t leave hospital with empty arms.
    I will donate a Teddy in memory of Devin – and it will be given to another bereaved parent I hope this is okay.

    All little memories and mementos bring a measure of comfort but nothing will ease the pain for a long time.
    I have been through inferility /loss/ and IVF. I will keep you in my thoughts.