Sudden Change In Plans
One year ago tonight was the last night I slept as a pregnant woman. One year ago I still thought everything was okay.
::
Everything I said last night still makes perfect sense – to use the insurance for stims and bank all the embryos we can for future use. I was planning in my mind for a May cycle – whether FET or stims.
When I walked in to the clinic this morning the staff was all sitting around in their receptionists area. I told the nurse that my period had arrived, and said I didn’t even know it could happen. She said it usually doesn’t – which implies that sometimes it does. I got my blood drawn anyways, just for closure’s sake.
The voice mail message later in the day confirmed the negative. Not surprizing in the least, considering I’d spent the whole day wincing against cramps. The message also gave me a little bit of info about a FET cycle… that, if we we wanted to, a FET cycle could be done right away. Like, now. Like, starting patches this weekend.
As much as doing a stims cycle makes sense… as much as waiting two months for a February due date sounds “better” to me… I am really fucking sick of waiting. I want a baby now. Fuck planning for after I have a baby. Fuck planning due dates. Look at right now. I am heartbroken, I am tired, I am just treading water. What could would 2 months do me right now? 2 more months of grief, of sitting around twiddling my damn thumbs and watching people get pregnant all around me.
One of the reasons this last cycle was not a massive failure, despite its poor outcome, is because of those frozen embryos. To me a FET feels like an extension of the original cycle. We get three tries for the price of one. And this is one of the reasons I was so adamant that we only transfer one. Transferring two embryos at once only increases your success rate slightly. But transferring one embryo at a time, twice, has a better chance of giving you a baby. And we had three out of one stims. So even though the first one, the fresh one, didn’t work, our chances of getting pregnant out of three transfers is pretty high. This is the thought that keeps me feeling positive and not so beat down and hopeless.
So for me – for now – we are doing an FET. It’s like getting a second chance at this cycle.
The one concern with an immediate FET is my vacation. I am finally getting to go home to visit my family, flights are booked, it’s all set. I leave March 30, for 2 weeks. (And let me tell you, it is a MUCH NEEDED vacation!) I did manage to get ahold of the nurse on my lunch break and ask her about it. She pulled out a calendar and counted out the days. It should be done before I leave, she said. No problems.
Which means, dear readers, that I have another transfer scheduled in 3 weeks.
It also means my entire my wait and testing will take place in Canada. I’m not sure what this will mean for a beta – if they’ll do one when I get back, just have me test with pee sticks… not sure. For me I think being away for that period will be really really nice. But to be honest I’m worried about my mom. If it comes out well it will be fabulous… but if it doesn’t? It’s not how I’d want to spend my time home. My mom is taking all of this VERY hard and I don’t want to see her all weepy. :(
Maybe we should wait. It’s definitely more my MO to wait and plan and make things align in the sky. For some reason I have my eyes set on a February due date, that “feels” nice and round and organized to me. But every time I think about waiting three months I just want to cry. So I’m not going to plan. I’m not going to crunch numbers. I’m not going to worry about where I’ll be for testing or the due date or how this will pan out down the road.
I’m taking a page from Den’s playbook and just going with it. When I brought up the whole future-children frozen-embryos thing to him he said simply, “We’ll figure it out when we need to worry about it. Who knows what will happen by then.” That’s always been how he’s seen life. Sometimes it drove me crazy (okay, still does a lot of the time). But sometimes it makes an aweful lot of sense.
Right nowe we just want a baby. Any baby. Any time. The sooner than better. So we’re jumping in with both feet.
I think it’s a good idea, and I think that you and your body will be better for the break from stims.
I hope that tomorrow goes well, or as well as it can. Thinking of you. :hugs:
I hate all this waiting around too.
To quote Nike “Just do it”
Hugs
S X
I think the now thing sounds good. Being away at test time is a good thing. I can speak from experience there. We just got home two days ago from two weeks in Hawaii and my period was due (or not due) while we were there. It came, but at least I was there and not here, on my couch. Thinking positive vibes for you.
When I read your phrase “So for me – for now – we are doing an FET.” I balled my fists, shot them in the air and went YES!
I still have hopes for this cycle.
Take care in the next days – and also celebrate the fact that you ARE a mother, no matter what. And that Den IS a father too. *hug*
Hi Natalie,
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and I don’t comment often because I usually don’t think I’ll say the right thing. But today I just felt compelled to tell you that I really really really hope things work out with this FET, and I have all crossables crossed. I’m halfway across the world and we’ve obviously never met, but good vibes are good vibes, right? Sending good thoughts your way. Take care of yourself.
xxx Mrs F
I am so glad – and I think being in Canada during your wait, at very least, will help you get through it faster.
Hugs!
I’m not sure what your protocol is with a FET, but for me, they were able to manipulate my cycle so that we could pretty much time it whenever we wanted. Trust me when I say they are SO MUCH EASIER than fresh cycles. It will FEEL like a vacation, at least before the 2ww.
Thinking of you, and Den, and Devin. Take care of yourself in the next few days, okay?
xx
My heart is hurting for you. It sounds like this is the right choice for you, just based on how you’re talking about the possibilities of doing the FET cycle as opposed to another round of stims.
So many of us are thinking about you, and your family, today. I wish you strength and peace.
Thinking of you today. Devin is a lucky boy to have a mother like you.
I must say that my stomach had butterflies seeing you talk about the FET. I hope all the best for you.
I’ve been following your blog for a while, and I’m wishing so badly for you. I’m thinking of you today, and hoping for much luck this cycle.
Delurking to say I’ll be thinking of you & your family today.
Do it! And go. GO ON VACATION. You know, I found out I was pregnant with Bella while out of town so I couldn’t run in and get a beta, and you know what? It was strangely very peaceful. I knew in the end it didn’t make a fucking whit of difference what the number was, there was nothing they could do if it was low — or high. I would either carry on my merry way until I got back to the office the following week, or I’d start to bleed, and there was nothing they could do for me either way. So I’d take some sticks (AND YOUR COMPUTER, RIGHT?!) and just do it.
I wanted to say Happy Birthday Baby Devin today. Thinking of you and your family.
Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today and remembering Devin on his birthday.
I completely understand the change in plans and jumping right in. Our first cycle after the Doodles was a FET which failed, and when they told me I could start BCP for a fresh cycle as soon as AF arrived I couldn’t have been more relieved to just keep moving forward and not waiting. Best of luck and (((HUGS))).
*hugs* thinking of you today… can’t imagine it’s been a year already now. and good luck on the next try… here’s to hoping for more luck with the other frozen embryos :)
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and Devin today. All my love to you. I wish I could be there to give you a great big bear hug. XOXO
Happy first birthday Devin…..hope you enjoy your presents…..thinking of you today Natalie. You are an amazing woman.
Hi Nat, I’m thinking of you and Den today. I think of sweet Devin often.
I say do it too!
I’m thinking of you today, Natalie, and of your beautiful son. Good luck on your upcoming FET!
Nat I never have the right words to say to you, but I don’t think there are “right” words! Just know that there are lots of people you have never met that are thinking of you and Den and Devin today! I think of you all often and cannot wait to hear that good news that WILL come! Good luck on the next cycle! ?
Just holding your hand as you jump. I am sorry that this last cycle didn’t work and have been thinking about you and Devin all day because it was a Friday last year.
Been thinking of you, Den & Devin all day. I hope everything goes as well as it can today.
I think doing a FET right away is a good plan. I know how you are with numbers and planning and maybe just doing it and throwing caution to the wind is best, plus I think you, your body, and your mind could really benefit from a break from stims.
Thinking of you and Den today, and little Devin.
I am so happy to hear you are doing a FET!
Thinking of you, Den and Devin.
I hope the FET works out for you. Good luck.
I hope the FET works out and I agree with Den…don’t worry about the future just worry about the now. I wish you all the luck.
Thoughts and prayers to you and your family today.
Happy Birthday Devin!!!!!!
This sounds like great plans. I am excited you can start back up so quickly. Wishing you muhc success.
This sounds like great plans. I am excited you can start back up so quickly. Wishing you much success.
This new change sounds like a great plan. It’s exciting that you can start again so quickly. Wishing you success.
happy birthday to your sweet Devin. i love your plan! it’s so proactive-you know what you want and you WILL get it!
i would do it natalie. no more fucking waiting for you:(
*hugs* I’ll keep thinking the good thoughts for you.
Thinking of you, Den, and Devin. Happy Birthday to your little boy!
I have been thinking of you and Den and Devin all weekend. Happy Birthday Devin.
I agree with everyone, just go for it, I hate waiting also! I just want this to work!
Tash says it best, there is nothing anyone can do either way so just go to Canada and enjoy yourself the best you can, what ever happens will happen.
We are all pulling for you Nat.