Yep, this is shit
We drove home mostly in silence. I couldn’t speak – I knew I’d lose it. I got home, went to the bathroom… more blood. I kept hoping it would go away, that it would turn back into “just spotting” and I could relax and get a tiny bit of hope back for tomorrow. But there was just more blood.
I posted, Den fed the pets. He climbed into bed quietly, and I just sobbed in his arms for a while. We fell asleep… an escape, a short reprieve.
I woke up feeling better, but I don’t think Den did. I had already gotten most of my anguish and frustration out. I had a feeling I just needed a really good cry… holding it in all day was making it feel worse, just teetering on the edge over and over. But Den… he is quiet. More than subdued, he is mourning. As much as we hold on to each other for support, there are still many times that we just need to sit in silence, separately, and process. This is one of those times. I am grateful we both understand and accept that.
I get into this habit of thinking that I know what I’m doing and I’m prepared for any outcome – and every cycle has thrown something new at me. I certainly have never gotten AF before stopping my meds after the beta… I didn’t even know it was possible. I will be talking to the nurse tomorrow to just get some answers, but a google search tells me that it does happen to some people, sometimes, in what appears to be a random manner. Lovely.
I’m already moving into the “what’s next” mode. It’s what always keeps me sane and moving forward, rather than curled up under my bed, refusing to ever come out. The main question on my mind is not one that you all will be expecting… what do we next, a frozen embryo transfer, or another stims cycle? I know, I know, your eyes probably just crossed funny and you said, “What?!” But, see, here’s the thing, I’m thinking ahead. We want two living children. The first one we will get from my current insurance, which has pretty awesome coverage. And then I plan to stay at home and raise my child. Which brings up an obvious problem: how the hell do I get pregnant again? Our frozen embryos neatly solved that problem. We cannot afford a stims cycle without insurance… but a frozen transfer or two we could do. Those frozen embryos were supposed to be my insurance plan for the future while I carried the baby from the stims. Obviously it didn’t work that way.
There is a part of me that thinks “banking” more embryos for the future while we can is a fabulous idea. But on the other hand… I am really tired of stims. My body is tired. This last one was especially hard on me physically. The idea of just transferring another one feels so… weightless. Effortless. It’s like a second chance at this cycle… the hard part is already done. But then we use one, possibly both of our frozen embryos and puts us in a tough situation for the future.
So I guess it comes down to, which is more important? The short-term, the “now”? That does make sense, especially given how unreliable the future can be. Maybe planning for 5 years down the road is idiotic and I should just confine my concern for getting pregnant this time. I don’t know. We’ll have to think about it.
The next – and far more obvious – question is: when? After my trip home (April), I know that much. I guess at this point we’re more looking at May or June. I don’t even know the procedure for frozen embryo transfers, how long they want you to wait in between, how long it takes, or anything… I guess I need to do some reading up on it.
It makes my head hurt. This is all just such bullshit that I even have to think about this. *sigh*
On the good side, it seems I adjust faster every time. Maybe it was the days of emotional breakdowns I completed in preparation. That probably helped, too.
You’re right, this is so shit. I know I’m in a differnt ball park to you when it comes to conception (at least I hope I am, who knows, I could end up somewhere like you are), but I want so badly to understand for you. I don’t know you and I can’t really help, but I will keep listening and keep hoping for you.
I am so terribly sorry that this cycle failed. Everything seemed so perfect this time around. Please know that I’m wishing you the best. ((Hugs))
Absolute shit.
Is it possible that your body was indeed tired from stims? Also, I know you’re being severely regulated here, but was there some fairly constant monitoring of your progesterone in the post-transfer period? Just a couple things to think about while moving forward — pretty much because I have absolutely nothing else and I just want to write a nasty letter for you and have no idea whom to address it to.
I’m so sorry, Natalie.
I understand your thoughts on the FET vs fresh cycle. And it’s not bad logic, IMO.
And, for the record, it IS bullshit that you even have to make these decisions. I’m sorry sweetie.
Natalie, I’m really really sorry. I’ve been following your story for ages, and I had such hopes for you and Den this cycle.
This is probably assvice, but could you take a good break (two months +) from the whole thing and then stim again? I only ask because, as you pointed out, having awesome insurance coverage for IVF is something to take advantage of. But if you’re tired of stimming, you’d need that break for your body. I can’t remotely imagine what it’s like to be in your shoes, but I know how I would feel if I had coverage for IVF- I’d want to be wringing every last penny out of the insurance company, and using every possible chance.
That’s all for thinking about later, though. For now, I am just so sorry. It’s total shit, and you deserve so much more.
Oh, Nat, my heart is breaking for you and Den. The news in and of itself is devastating but the proximity to Devin’s birthday is more than one person should have to bear. I am so so sorry.
When I read your post it felt like someone repeating my own thoughts back to me. The part about processing such heartbreak in different ways strikes so close to home. When we got our news on Monday, I reacted very similarly to you – with a long hard cry followed by an “OK, now what?”. LG sounds very much like Den…other than telling me he loves me (which I so needed to hear), I don’t think he said much of anything for nearly 2 days straight.
Please know that you’re in my thoughts, and I’m virtually sitting beside you just holding your hand.
Aw, shit, Natalie. I’m so sorry. Love to you and Den.
xxx
It’s all so damn unfair Nat.
I personally think that banking embies with insurance money now is a great idea. BUT… like many others have stated, I think your body could use a break. However, I think you should get your REs advice on this one. If he feels that its too much stress on your body to cycle again quickly, then go with the FET. Otherwise, go with the new cycle.
Hang in there.
Oh Nat, I am so sorry. Where’s the free fucking pass already?
Whatever you decide, I hope the near future brings you success.
xo
Shit is right.
I totally get what you mean about a fresh stim or to do FET. I would be thinking along the same lines if i had insurance coverage like that. Just remeber you don’t have to decide this minute. You can wait a cycle and talk it over longer. Maybe you don’t need to. I don’t know.
This sucks.
I’m sorry.
Natalie I am so sorry. What crap. I also experienced a cycle where we had really good blasts to put back AND we did PGD and put back the two that were chromosomally normal, AND I was on prometrium, and even though I actually got a (low) positive beta, I kept right on bleeding from day 10 and didn’t stop. Totally heartbreaking. I haven’t done a fresh cycle since then as neither my emotional state nor body have been really up for it.
I notice you don’t mention IVM as a possibility to avoid the stimming process, so am I right to assume your clinics don’t offer this? It is something I want to look into when I go back to IVF next year. I know a couple of clinics in my area offer it, but I don’t know if it is with strings attached or if anyone can use it.
Wish I could be of any help at all, at such a tough, tough time. Sending my love and thoughts to you and to Den. xxx
I’m so very sorry Natalie. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Den.
I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and sorry about this cycle, everything seemed so promising. It really sucks and I feel so bad…it just heartbreaking to know you are going thru this.
Sometimes I feel like most things about infertility don’t make sense. We had 3 failed IUI’s after 6 failed clomid cycles. Then on a “I give up” break I got pregnant and miscarried and while waiting for AF after that loss, I got pregannt again and it was ectopic (second one for me).
You are in my thoughts too this week with Devin’s birthday. Everytime I see something with a little sheep on it, I think of him.
It is shit, Natalie. I’m so sorry.
I’m so, so sorry Nat. It’s just awful.
Well that was a sucky ending!
You only have to wait a cycle or two to do a FET. It is much easier to do- it is almost easy, I dare say. Much easier on you without the stims, just the progesterone.
If you are worried that you won’t have eggs banked for the future or insurance coverage then, I can see why you would want to bank them for later. But there is never a guarantee so it is a big decision you have in front of you.
I’m so sorry that I can’t begin to explain it…
Thinking of you today and wishing things were different.
Ugh Natalie. So sorry. Hub and I often grieve that way too.
I’m going to have an assvice moment, but maybe when doing FET, your body isn’t as worn out by meds and you could maybe have higher success?
Complete stab in the dark, but you never know right?
xo
I’m so sorry. :(
I’m just so damn sorry. It never gets any easier to handle, even when you’re mentally prepared for it. getting AF before beta day has happened to me before, even with being on all the progesterone. its a real mindf**k.
I dont think you’re crazy moving on to whats next mode. its the only thing that gets me out of the anguish and grief that follows a failed cycle. I call it the “next cycle”. its always about the next cycle, the future, the hope. its what keeps us in this game.
about stims – its such a tough call. I did two back to back stims last year and I can safely say I wont do that again. it was not only hard on my body but my poor ovaries were in serious pain. mentally the bfns didnt do much to help either. I ended up with a few good embryos in storage but its now time to use them I think.
who knows what the future has in store, but your frozen embryos could be a live child in waiting.
Whatever you decide, I am sending you some healing thoughts. Missing Devin with you and your husband.
love
S
So sorry sweety, I’m still rooting for you!
So sorry Natalie. (((HUGS))) I was hoping and had everything crossed that this one would stick. :(
I too always found it helpful to try to figure out what was next whenever I got a negative beta. Understanding the potential plan going forward, helped me to move forward and try to find some hope for the future. The cycles that gave us FE I found to be encouraging, though still very disappointing (when the fresh cycles weren’t successful).
Anyway, I posted a lot on my blog about our FET cycle that led to Molly. So feel free to read that if it helps to learn more about an FET cycle, though as with any other ART cycles I am sure protocols vary. I found FET to be a lot easier on my body than IVF. Just like with IVF I had to spend one cycle on the pill and then started.
Again, I am so sorry that this cycle didn’t work out. But I am so happy and hopeful that you and Den got two FE out of it. I also get the debate about what to do next. We got one FE out of our 1st IVF cycle and didn’t do our 1st FET until after our 2nd IVF cycle which gave us three more FE. Even though we only transferred one at a time, our RE encouraged us to get more than one FE before we tried FET, in case one didn’t thaw well or something.
Thinking of you and holding you close as you approach Devin’s birthday tomorrow. I can’t believe it has been a year since your baby boy was born. Remembering with you. (((HUGS)))
Thinking of you and Devin today, I hope your dinner is all that you want it to be.
HIgh hopes for the next cycle-
And FET is way easier on your body. I’m wrapping ours up now. We had Lupron suppression but no stimming. Just LOTS of building up the lining w/ estrogen then progesterone. It prob. would have helped if I did some acupuncture too, just didn’t have it in me to deal w/ the language barrier and possibly have them tweak the wrong thing (paranoia… yes, kinda ironic I’m in THE place to do it–Taiwan–yet didn’t). RE made us wait a natural cycle before we got back on the horse.
By the time May/June hits, your body will be more settled down.
You wrote:
“The short-term, the “now”? That does make sense, especially given how unreliable the future can be. Maybe planning for 5 years down the road is idiotic and I should just confine my concern for getting pregnant this time. I don’t know.”
Sounds to me like you do know.
I think the former makes more sense too.
Stay strong.