Progress has many different measurements
I decided today that I should eat more protein. Really I should have been eating more protein for the past four months, but I just wasn’t in the mental space to care enough about it. Now I’m concerned that this has impacted my eggs and I haven’t given them the best chance.
I ate a lot of protein during pregnancy. I kept a diary in a spreadsheet, following the Brewer’s Diet. So I opened it up today to get some ideas of what I could make myself, since it’s been a while and my brain feels a little clueless. And I just started laughing as I read it – full out giggling at my computer screen. No wonder I was able to eat 80 grams of protein a day, and no wonder my mom was laughing so much at me when I visited over christmas… I ate a TON of food! Holy shit! I only fuzzily remember being that hungry all the time, being able to eat two meals at the same time and then go looking for desert. I never would have thought it was possible. And at the time it felt perfectly normal to be that hungry, I didn’t think it was that strange for me!
My appetite has gone way down. I’m trying to eat (because there are days when the depression gets in the way and I just don’t even feel like eating), but I’m also trying to be mindful of what and how much I eat, rather than just grabbing whatever is easiest or closest. I’m finding that I feel full a lot faster than I think I will. At a family party on sunday I filled my plate and ate only about half of it before I realized I was perfectly fine and no longer hungry – even though I had been really starving before I started.
The other thing I’ve been doing for a few weeks now is lifting weights. Freeweights. I’m not even lifting very big ones yet – just mostly the 10lb dumbells. It doesn’t take me very long to run through most of the muscle groups: I do squats for the thighs and butt, some overhead presses for the shoulders and chest, bicep curls and overhead tricep pulls for the arms, sometimes some simple calf presses, and then a bunch of crunches for the dreaded belly. It takes me 15 minutes at a leisurely pace. I do get sweaty – which is gross in this heat (makes it a little harder to get motivated). And I do make an effort to do each movement carefully and properly, pushing my muscles until I’m a bit sore the next day. But seriously, 15 minutes three times a week? That’s all I have to do?
I’m under 140lbs now. Just barely under, but under. But much more significant than that is the fact that all of my pants are falling off of me. I had to ditch my uber-comfy maternity sweatpants a couple of weeks ago because they just weren’t staying up, even with the elastic. My pre-pregnancy jeans are sagging around my ass and I find myself tugging at them all day at work. I think – now gasp with me here – I have to go out and buy a smaller size. WTF? I have been in size 12 jeans since… since… ummm…. a long time. Since I got married, I think… 3 years ago. At least that long, probably longer. So for me to be fitting into size 10s at 4 and a half months post-partum? Holy SHIT. That’s crazy.
I am wicked pleased with myself about all of this. This is something I have control over. Very obvious cause-and-effect. I make changes, I see the result. And it’s more than that… I feel like I want to show everyone my progress. And I know it’s connected to my loss and coping, I’m just not exactly sure how. Maybe just making myself feel better. “I don’t have the baby, but look! I have this!”
I’m also pleased that I’ve lost this weight/size without restricting what I eat. How much, yes – but I haven’t excluded anything from my day. If I want chocolate, I eat some chocolate. If we go out for dinner (which we don’t do often), I order what I want. I still eat a portion-sized bag of chips at work. I just don’t let myself eat only those, and I don’t let myself eat a ton of it (I normally have bad self-control, so this is kind of new for me). I think this is why it’s working… I really really can’t cut the things I love out of my diet. Just can’t do it. I’ve also discovered that a lot of fast food really sucks. Since I’m not eating as much as I used to I’m loathe to waste an entire meal on something that tastes like it’s been sitting under a warmer for an hour. You can keep it. (But I’ll take the fries. Nom nom nom.)
As an aside, all those fad diets just piss me off. It makes me grouchy when I see “Lose 10lbs in one month!” splashed across a magazine cover while I’m waiting in line at the grocery store. (Though it’s easier to look at than the large pictures of celebrity babies. Because I really want to stare at THAT. Go. The fuck. Away.) It’s like the magazines and industry is constantly trying to “invent” new diets. How come they rarely promote the best diet of all: eat more healthy stuff, less crap, and less overall. And exercise. And then I saw a commercial on TV for a “calzone” that seriously was like at least 4 meals. Yeah, our society has issues.
You know I haven’t bought a magazine since about halfway through my pregnancy, as I’m just tired of the bullshit. I can’t help but wonder, as I’m reading magazine articles, how long it took someone to whip it up. Not just weight loss articles, but anything in magazines nowadays. Perky little articles on how to get good big things with very little effort. Maybe I’m just jaded. And I’m fucking tired of seeing spreads about the cutest new fashions where they recommend shirts for just $150! And purses that are colorful and spunky and fucking ugly. Yes… yes I do believe I am just getting jaded. I’m not even old yet. Shit, what am I going to sound like in 20 years?
::
Despite the magazine-ranting I am actually feeling better today. Yesterday was an okay day tending to the “good” side of things, and today was even more so. I got up early, ran a lot of errands, went to work, came home and took the dogs out, made myself an actual meal, filled out some paperwork for our upcoming RE appointment, and even got to spend some time with Den at the end of the day. Somewhere in all of that I felt like the cloud had lifted just a little bit. I am not good, I am far from good, but I am not bad. I’m starting to feel a little less heavy, a little less chained to the ground. I am thankful.
I guess these moods are just going to come and go. I’m always mindful of my underlaying depression (beyond the loss and grief) and medication and am open to adjusting things and seeking help if need be, but at the same time I know that there are going to be shitty days, weeks and sometimes I’m just going to have to slog through them. As long as I don’t get stuck in them.
Hi, I found your blog through a friend of a friend. I just was curious about the protein you were consuming during pregnancy. I am a vegetarian and I have recently not been having as much soy b/c I heard there could be complications and meanwhile I am not ovulating. When I read your post I thought- ah ha! So I started reading on the internet, but I could not find anything that said protein was good for TTC. It actually stated quite the opposite that high protein diets make it difficult for women to get pregnant and carry a baby to full term. I am just curious if you could fill me in on this? Thanks so much! I love reading your blog!
Wohooo for losing weight, glad that you are doing so well at it, you should be very, very proud. . ..
Eden – a high protein diet is recommended as part of the Bradley method, which is what I was taking during pregnancy. Many sources recommend increasing protein intake during pregnancy: http://www.storknet.com/ip/nutritional_health/nutrients/protein_matters.html
http://www.babycenter.com/0_protein-your-bodys-building-block_1690.bc
I certainly did not find anything that stated that indicated high protein diets made it difficult to carry to term… that seems rather counter-intuitive. Protein, by all my reading, is quite important to a growing fetus.
As far as TTC everything I’ve seen is just anecdotal. Suggestions that maybe increased protein will help with egg and embryo quality. I found this article which is interesting. Not humans, but it does show a link:
http://cat.inist.fr/?aModele=afficheN&cpsidt=16819508
You’re not just jaded. You’re smart. And I admire it. :) I am incredulous that people ever believe those “easy results” things. Seriously.
I have trouble getting enough protein too b/c I’m a veggie lover minus beans. I do like soy, tofu and garbanzo beans though.
Barb – But hey, as a veggie lover you have one huge leg up on me on eating healthy. I really dislike most veggies and it makes it so hard to not only get all my food groups, but to eat good stuff.
Okay, so I read those websites THANK YOU! I went back and re-read the information that I had found after reading your blog. I think I did not fully understand the term “high protein diet”. I took that by meaning a diet rich in protein and I guess they were referring to atkins type diets. However, I did read a lot of information that a lot of protein can prevent the egg from implanting. It began as a study in mice. It seems that you need it in your 2nd and third trimester, but not while TTC if I understand what I read.
Here is one article about the mice study, but I guess this does not apply!!! Thanks :) http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2004/06/040629020730.htm
Wow, thanks for sharing that! Shit, that blows my plan out of the water. LOL
Sheesh. Doc tells me I need protein b/c of pcos/possible IR issues, yet it may inhibit implantation. Nice. ;-P
Thanks Nat. Main problem is, I also love breaaaads and SUGAR! haha.
Oh god, bread and sugar are like my two favorite foodgroups. :D Me and SIL both… we go out to dinner and stuff ourselves with rolls. LOL
OK I’m totally jealous. I’ve been working out for a month and I don’t think I’ve lost a single pound yet. :p
Hey “Me” – what kind of workouts have you been doing? Granted I was losing baby weight that wasn’t there before, so it has been easier than losing the weight I’ve built up over the past 4-5 years, but I’m still very pleased by the weightlifting.