Both and Neither
One of the things I am currently struggling with is the fact that, in terms of TTCing, I don’t really fit in either camp.
The TTC forums – even the TTC after loss forums – are full of people excitedly charting and having sex and getting pregnant. I find it hard to read forums like that. I’m sure many of the infertiles reading this remember those forums. It makes my head hurt sometimes. I do not always feel hopeful and excited. Most of the TTC after loss people are dealing with issues regarding loss only… not infertility. I am out of place.
The infertility threads and forums, however, also don’t seem to suit me right now. I am charting, I am having sex. I am a long ways away from doing an IVF cycle. I’m not on any meds. If that were the only issue then I’d still feel okay with it, but it’s not. The thing that goes through my head is what if I DO get pregnant normally? I can’t help thinking about what a blow it would be to those women who are still cycling and doing everything they can for me to join up and get pregnant while having sex.
The problem is simply that I don’t know. I don’t know if this is going to work or if we’re in it for the long haul again. And until I do know I don’t feel right joining either group. In a year I’ll be able to look back and see clearly…. but until I actually get pregnant I’m afraid I’m just… in limbo.
I just don’t see any groups for women dealing with infertility (or possible infertility) after late-term loss. I guess there’s just not enough of us on any one forum. I feel alone. :(
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I discovered something last night that made me freak out briefly: my boobs still leak. They don’t leak on their own, which is why I never noticed anything out of the ordinary… but when I squeeze my nipples I sure as heck see milk. So I spazzed for a while wondering what the hell was up with this.
I looked it up and apparently it’s quite normal. That’s a relief.
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I have more I could say but I’m getting a nice headache, so I think I’m going to lay down.
Hey Nat:
We can start our own club – I struggled with infertility before Gabe was conceived.
And I would still leak milk for a good 3 months after Gabe was born, especially after hearing a baby cry. . .
I can see how you’re stuck in a pickle there, Natalie. There is a fairly slim sliver of population who can relate to your exact circumstance. (although, having said that, there are some gals in the prego loss group here in Seattle who have gone thru infertility after stillbirth – so I know it happens). It looks like you’re starting your own little group right here, though. So that’s a start!
There’s a book someone told me about called “And God Said “Ha!” – it’s a memoir about a string of bad things happening to someone. When the milk thing happens (I experienced that too -ouch!) I always think of that title: God looking down and saying “HA!” Just another little taunt from mother nature. Be strong, Strong Momma!
would you ever adopt?
No, I don’t think we’d ever adopt. Especially knowing that IVF works for us.
Have you tried the TTC after stillbirth boards on ivillage?
why not start a message board? I was part of a check-in on the nest for people who had miscarried for awhile and the group ended up getting so big that we moved over to msn and have our own message board over there. I bet if you did that and put a link here on your blog, people would join…
I was on TTC after a loss for months. Then everyone else started getting pregnant again and suddenly I was the most “senior” person on there.
It’s pretty frustrating to feel like you’re dealing with double the crap, loss AND infertility. As if one isn’t bad enough.
And I know in your case it must be even more lonely/difficult, since you had a later loss.
have you ever heard of egg freezing? I saw this in the news a few weeks ago that frozen embryos are better than fresh ones. http://eggfreezingcenter.wordpress.com/2008/07/10/frozen-embryos-better-than-fresh-for-ivf/
The last I’d heard about egg freezing was that it was really new and thus not much of an option (they were still getting it to work.)
Okay, and the link references frozen embryos… totally different from frozen eggs (just sayin’) – already fertilized. Despite what that little article says, the success rate with frozen embryos is lower than fresh, at least in terms of IVF. All reproductive centers that perform IVF in the US have to report their statistics, you can look them up at the CDC. Fresh is better, at least the moment, at most centers that perform IVF.
Which is all quite moot for me, because I never had enough to freeze anyways. In order to freeze them you first must fertilize them, and therein lies the problem.
Nat, I could join your club. We haven’t used IVF yet, but we can’t get (or stay) pg without medical assistance (we have maybe a 1 or 2% chance on our own). We may need to do IVF to ensure no more multiples. We are not TTC yet, though discussions are in the offing.
I’m sorry you feel so isolated. I do, too. A lot. Late term loss after infertility is such a blow. I know that I felt like, thank god this worked, and Twins! Now we don’t have to worry about getting pg again, we have sibs! Stupid me.
If you start a board I’d be totally interested in joining.