I feel in some ways that I’ve reverted. I remember a time after Devin’s death that I felt alive, that I discovered a new hobby (gardening) and was sketching out a new life for myself. And I knew a lot of that was thanks to the numbness and it would wear off one day, but I said I would deal with it as it comes.

Well it came. The last few weeks I have felt absolutely motionless. I am lost, I am heartbroken. I am not despondent like I was at first… it is not the choking grief I cried. This is softer, quieter. This just is, like an anchor in my heart, holding me to the ground.

I feel very little. I do not cry much, if at all. I do not get excited, I do not feel thankful. I just… am. Every morning I wake up, look at the ceiling and the wall, roll over, and go back to sleep. I repeat this multiple times. And it’s not my usual “I’m tired,” either. This is me opening my eyes and thinking, why bother? Why the hell should I get out of bed? So I close my eyes and escape from the thoughts for another hour or two. I usually get out of bed when I feel I really ought to… sometime around 2pm.

I just don’t care. My garden has been ignored. My video game hasn’t been opened. I haven’t read any books or designed any websites or done anything at all because I simply don’t care. It means nothing to me.

If this continues I may have to go to my doctor and request my medication level be increased. Maybe 20mg just isn’t doing it anymore. Maybe this is just temporary, something to work through. I don’t know.

::

I have always been an introvert. Which is to say, after a period of time around other people I need some alone time to recharge my batteries. All my life I have been like that… had an unspoken timer in my head that flips off after a while. Being social exhausts me, and I can only take so much.

Especially after losing Devin, I could only handle certain people in small doses – certainly no parties or crowds. It left me feeling alone and alienated, even though nothing happened to make me feel that way. I just felt so far apart from everyone.

But lately it feels that something has changed. Den has been encouraging me to go out with him, be around people, even though I don’t particularly want to. But I find that being around others perks me up just a little bit. A day at work, or with SIL and BabyH watching baseball, or poolside with friends… the time spent with others leaves me feeling a little more alive. These connections help me feel that there is more out there, that there is something worth getting up for. Even if I just hang around and listen.

I wish I knew more people locally, so I had more to do.

::

Yesterday Den and I had a nice dinner out to celebrate our third anniversary (which was actually on the 16th). After dinner we were bored (and broke) so we stopped by BIL and SIL’s house to visit for a little while. Denis holding the baby made me giggle… he looked so unsure of himself, moving slowly in a way that bespoke his fear of breaking the little girl. It doesn’t feel that way for me. Even though I really haven’t been around newborns at all in my life, it just seems right to me. Innate. Like labor, my body knows what to do.

I settled back on the couch for a while with BabyH resting on my chest. I rubbed her back as she stared at things with her developing eyes. There was peace for those moments. There was healing in my heart. I know, without a doubt, that that is what I am meant for, that is why I am here. Even though she’s not mine, to hold her in my arms felt right.

That is why I hold on. That is why I get up in the morning. One day, I have to believe, I will hold my own child in my arms. One day I won’t feel as empty as I do today.