Shitty shitty emotion crap
I feel selfish. I retreat into my little hole. I am scared, uncertain.
I am angry. Not the usual anger, either; I am angry at myself. Not just at not being able to figure things out, but angry that I am so upset by this that I am frozen. I have been jittery, anxious. I watched TV shows all day in an attempt to numb myself, hoping that by the time I was tired I’d forget about everything else. It didn’t work. Every time the show stopped I returned to this. This unease. This disappointment.
I don’t like feeling like this. I hate feeling like this. I’ve spent most of my life wishing I could make it go away. Thankfully, with the meds, I can make a lot of it go away. It used to be impossible to turn off my brain, and now it only happens once in a while. I feel lucky for that. It was near to impossible to function with that buzzing in my ear, wearing me down. But days like this I still feel the same. I feel like that same lost, frightened girl I used to be, looking for something to hold on to. I am, but I’m not. I can’t decide.
I tell myself, over and over again, that it’s all okay. That it’s fine – even if things don’t work out the way I thought they would that it’s okay. Even if the plans change. Even if I’m adrift for the moment. That, somehow, things will find a new path and I’ll be okay again. I always am. But damnit, I get scared. I get so scared thinking that this is the reality and the other is just made-up. That I am not in control, I am not strong, I am not happy. That instead I am really this: small, scared, just along for the ride.
Losing Devin is supposed to be so important. Losing Devin is so important. So why am I so upset over something small and stupid? What does it matter what else happens? Why do I care so much what others think of me? I don’t want it to matter. I don’t want to care.
When did life creep back up on me? When did the normal fears and worries and frustrations become a part of my thought processes? Sometimes, times like this, I want to go back to when I hurt so badly I didn’t care at all about anything else in the world. At least then I had only one thing to worry about. At least then it felt understandable.
I’ll figure it out. Or at least, I’ll get on top of this emotional snag. Just give me a day or two… maybe I’ll wake up feeling fine. But damn do I hate feeling like this.
I think with your last paragraphs you hit the nail on the head. It isn’t just the “small matter” you’re bogged down with at the moment. It’s that combined with the realisation that you have begun to worry about other things than the terrible loss you guys suffered.
On the one hand I think it’s a good thing – it means that in one way or another, you are moving on and looking ahead. On the other hand I can see how that would be a very hard thing to cope with … as if you are forgetting, or paying less attention to the grief that came with loosing Devin. Of course you are not, but I think your subconscious is hammering away at you, whether it is justified or not.
I hope you’ll feel better soon hun! ((hug))
*snugs*
I am so sorry. I can’t imagine how you feel. You bring tears to my eyes every time I read your blog. My heart literally hurts for you. I wish I knew you in real life. I would wrap my arms around you and just let you release your pain over me. I wish I could take this burden from you roll it in a ball and throw it out of this earth!
I’m sorry Nat. I think the small things get us, because we are so worn down, so weary, and there just isn’t flex in us anymore. I described myself as a pair of Nylon’s with no elastic left. And when there is no flex, the small things just about kill us.
It will get easier. I promise. I’ve been there. And as much as I can, I’m with you now.
Wow I get this, and I’m way ahead of you in this process. When a drunk driver creamed my fence at 2 a.m. and did thousands of dollars of damage, my neighbor cried she felt so bad for me, and I looked at her like she was high. I was fine! Who cares? It’s a fence! The dogs and kids were snug, asleep inside! So what? And then Bella misses the toilet by two seconds, and I’m a sobbing mess. Seriously, what gives? I’m edgy, I’m impatient, I’m quick to blow. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel I can control ANYTHING anymore. I can’t tell you how many times I think, “this would be so much easier if I could lose 10 pounds, or train the dog, or get 5 more mpg on my car, or find time to weed.” Really? Do I really think this would be easier?
I think it’s just like you said: the numbness has worn off, and it’s time to feel everything. And what we’re feeling really sucks.
(Just for the record, the drunk driving/Bella missing the pot thing happened last summer.)
Devin is important. They all are, they are our babies, we nurtured and loved them from the start. i sort of had a meltdown yesterday because i feel so out of control in most of the important aspects of life. i’m sorry i can’t offer you and advice, but maybe just knowing that your understood can help you feel better, if only a little.