Fleeting
Sometimes – it doesn’t happen often, but once in a rare while – I will find myself daydreaming, thinking, We can do that with Dev-… And then searing pain pierces my chest as I am slammed back to the present, choked with the reality that we will never do anything with Devin ever again.
The memories are precious; the broken dreams are hell.
::
I look at the calendar with a sense of relief. Only two more weeks to wait. Two weeks seems so close, I can handle that. Sometimes during the day I glance at the countdown. When I see “15 days left” I feel something relax in my head, in my body… something I didn’t even know I was tensing. It is relief, it is hope. It is a date, a promise.
I am worried, a little, about this month. I would not have thought this is what I would have wanted, but suddenly now that we are here, the month when we conceived a year ago, I realize that I really want to be pregnant this month. I want to follow Devin’s footsteps. And maybe it would be better for me if I didn’t… if my next pregnancy is on a different time schedule. But right now there’s nothing I’d like more than to be due in April. Maybe next time I will get my April baby… on time and healthy.
I’m sorry. It’s the things that catch us out of left field, the things that we didn’t expect, brace ourselves for, that hurt so much.
Devin knows his mummy and daddy love him. He knows what they wanted to do with him, the plans, the dreams. He knows that he was loved beyond all comprehension.
And I’m sorry it hurts so much.
I know what you mean. Every once in a while now, the “should have been”s sneak up on me. Used to be all the time, but somehow it happening less often makes it sharper. Hate that.
I also have this fantasy of getting pg again in the same time frame as last time — really, if things had worked out it would have been perfect. Maybe not (as I almost typed “wouldn’t”) but it’s nice to imagine and idealize.
Thinking of you, and hoping it hurts less over itme.
Counting the days, each month. Insane, but keeps me sane for now. Gives me something to hold onto.
I call those moments sucker punches – just knocks the air out of me.
I hope the days go swiftly, and that you get what you need out of that appointment.
I think there are times when little things can upend us a lot. It was certainly the case for me in the months after A died. Small problems suddenly felt insurmountable. And that is separate and distinct from the gut punches of the should’ve beens coming at you from the left field. It just isn’t easy. I am sorry.
I thought I was the only one who counted day. I look at my calendar every day trying to figure out when the best day to have sex is cycle wise and if I did get prego, when the baby would arrive (if I were so blessed). It’s weird. On one hand, time has flow since I went back to work, on the other hand, it seems like this past week is dragging because I am just waiting to ovulate. And I hate the fleeting thoughts. It makes your heart ache like nothing else.
I hope you get your wish about getting pregnant soon. It would hardly replace Devin, but maybe it will let a glimmer of hope back in.
natalie, thanks for reflecting and articulating what all kukd mommas of stillborn infants have felt before. your blog, i’m sure, is an excellent and cathartic read for lots of women out there.