Lost
Everyone knows how a huge blow like losing a child can knock you down. You think of course I’m not functioning right now. It’s obvious. You give yourself leeway and understanding.
But no one talks about how the little blows can be just as devastating to one’s sense of self… one’s sense of worth. You think Well shit, I can’t even handle this? What am I good for? There is no leeway, no understanding. There is frustration and anger. I think those can be harder to get up from.
I just don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like a failure in so many ways. I gave myself leeway when I was pregnant, I gave myself leeway when Devin died, but now I’m left wondering, what if I just can’t do this? What if I, as intelligent as I am, am just not strong enough to handle this? How can I, will all my skills and knowledge, be so incapable of completeing anything? I am famous for starting projects and never finishing them. I always feel like I am two steps behind, struggling to catch up, struggling to keep on top of things. I am worn down. I am tired. And I just can’t find it in me to keep trying to pick myself back up.
I am glad I am looking to return to college because that seems to be the one thing I am good at. I completed my Bachelor’s Degree after 4 years of full-time classes, and graduated with a 3.85 GPA. I cling to that far more than I should, but some days it feels like the only thing I’ve ever excelled at, ever followed through on.
I’ve felt for years now that I just don’t know what direction my life was supposed to take. I completed that whole degree and then realized I don’t think I’m cut out for that kind of career – I don’t enjoy it enough. So I dabble here and dabble there. I know I’m only 25, but I feel like the world expects me to know what I want to do with my life by now. I’m supposed to have a job, have a career… I’m supposed to be on the road to making lots of money and repaying society for the education I received. At least when I was 18 I had opportunities, I had choices. Now I’ve travelled down some of the paths and find that I don’t like them. I’ve turned around, I’ve changed direction. Now I am more lost than ever. Hitting those dead-ends really makes me question myself and wonder if I’ll ever find a path, or maybe I’m just not strong enough to get through the obstacles in my way.
You are strong enough and you will get through. You don’t need to know what you want to do for the rest of your life. Focus what you want to do in the next few years. I don’t even know what I want to do, and I am a good 10 years older than you. Try not to let it get you down. And, wow, to your GPA. I partied way too much to even come close to that!
Hun, just remember this: you are never too old to decide you want to go do something else. I was 32 when I realized that I wasn’t cut out for the career I’d set myself. It’s not that you are not strong enough or smart enough – it’s just that you haven’t hit upon the one thing yet that you truly LIKE to do.
Keep on chasing your dreams, where ever they take you. You will eventually chase them down and overtake them. You have a wonderful husband who supports you all the way.
*hug*
I got through nursing school with a perfect GPA, took the boards, passed and became a nurse. All while knowing I hated the profession. I know how you feel about not knowing where you are going.
Nat, I could have written this post. At least the first part of it. I’m a bunch of years older than you, and I had floundered up to my early thirties trying to figure out what I love to do, what work I wanted to do. I found it, and invested in it. But often, now, I feel like I’ve lost it. The passion and energy it filled me with seems to be gone — or at least very far away. Every once in a while I get a whiff of it again — my purpose — and then I crash. It’s really, really scary.
Sorry if this doesn’t make sense. I just wanted to say that you’re not alone in feeling the way you do. And if I believe what people say to me, I’ll find my way again. I believe YOU will find your way, too. And please forgive me if this is patronizing, but you have not lost as much time as you think you have. You *can* get there — you are smart and you are caring and you *want* to find your way.
You will.
I feel this same way most of the time, but I’m 11 years older. I was very good at school, but I’ve had 9 different jobs in the last 10 years. Yes, a few of them were in the same field, but really it’s just a sign of failure over and over. I was always the best at everything in school, but once out of school it completely went away.
I never dated much. I didn’t get married until I was 33. And now I’ve failed at having a baby, too.
You have plenty of time, Nat. You’re young. And it’s not so much important what you do but that you are able to be satisfied at the end of the day. Try each day to not be miserable. If you do that, you have accomplished something.
You know that I can totally relate to you about not being sure of what I want to do. :( It sucks, thinking you want to do x, y and z and working toward it only to find out at the end that x, y and z totally sucks!
You are NOT a failure!!!
you know, I read this and I thought ” 25 totally sucked. Absolutely. I had a McJob, we didn’t own a house, we were nowhere near able to have a baby, and everyone seemed so much better off than us.”
Maybe, some of it is time. I don’t know. But I remember that feeling. And I promise, I woke up one day, and I liked who I was and what my life was like. Except for Gabriel. I don’t like that.
Have you ever been to my life journal on MLW? LOL
This is exactly where I am and have been, although I *think* I might possibly be getting somewhere a teeny bit now. Time will tell.
I always felt like I was supposed to know exactly what I wanted and go out and get it and never doubt what I did. Ha, big lie that turned out to be.
Hello again. You are much, much too hard on yourself. Don’t let other people’s achievement-oriented mentality make you feel like you’re not ‘doing enough’ or like you’re not ‘focused’ enough. You are only 25, but more importantly, it’s your life to live and you get to choose how you want to live it, and to decide how long you want to take to figure out where you’re going with things (if anywhere – the beauty of it is that you get to decide on that part too).
I gave up a job I loved (and invested a lot of time and money in learning to do) to get married and move to Italy, where my husband is from. And went back to a job I’m not crazy about, and it all felt like such a … defeat, like I was such a loser, with no career or prospects, or anything. But it did get better, after a while. I don’t have to have a career to live a good life, nobody does.
I’m just rambling, I hope something in there made sense to you. I wish you all the best!
I remember when I was doing my teacher training programme back in 1997/1998, we had to keep a portfolio of our experiences. One of the things I clearly remember writing was that at age 24/25 I didn’t know what I had wanted to do (in fact, I didn’t know if I had wanted to become a teacher at that time). I also said that there are people who in their 30s don’t know what they want to do. You’re not alone, Natalie. Everyone I know questions if they had actually gone down a path they should have rather than accepting it as it is. You’ve got plenty of time to figure out what you want to do with your life and career. You’re young, so embrace the possibilities that are open to you and find something that you enjoy. Good luck!