I have been checking my cervix for days now for some sort of sign. The last few days, after the negative tests, I’ve just been looking desperately for AF. If I’m not pregnant, fine… just give me AF! Let me get it over with! Stop stringing me along like some two-bit boyfriend who doesn’t have any balls!

After my large freak-out this evening I just layed there for a few hours, watching Lost and thinking about my life, thinking about this cycle. Coming to terms with this. I guess I sort of had it in my head that I’d get pregnant on my second cycle. I’m not sure why exactly – I knew the first would be too much to ask, but the second now, that seemed still within the window of possibility… before my body went back to my infertile self, but not too easy either. So it’s a lot harder than I anticipated to move on to cycle 3.

I think I may be revising my original plan of four natural cycles before moving on to medicated ones. Only two cycles down and I’m already done with it, already at my emotional breaking point. In many ways it feels like we never stopped, and unmedicated cycles seem like such a step backwards. Like Den said to me tonight, we know IVF works. And that’s great, but we can’t do IVF just yet. So let’s do something else. I don’t want to sit on my hands wishing and hoping and prancing around the fire praying for a miracle. I’m ready to do something about it.

Today I would have made the call to the RE – would have, had I been able to speak. I didn’t think calling up and saying, “Aagggghhhhhh crrooaaakkkk” would really have done much good. So Den said he’d call tomorrow and make an appointment for us. Hopefully it’ll be soon. Hopefully we can get started next cycle. We have a month to try again.

I tried sleeping after making my plans, but that only ended up in a huge coughing fit. I had to get up. While I was up I checked my cervix one more time to see if anything had changed. Cervix lower, but firm. And… wait, what is that? Blood! Yes indeed, it is the flag runner for AF: she is on her way.

I feel relieved, now. Just relieved. I guess I did ovulate when I thought I did. Yet again I feel foolish for doubting my body. Things are a little off still, but it’s still functioning, apparently. Now I can stop obsessing and wondering and get on with the next cycle, get on with the appointments and the plans. Stepping out of limbo feels like a weight lifted off of my shoulders.

Oh and my first three post-partum cycles? Start dates are 5/10, 6/10, 7/10. Make of that what you will. I think I’m pretty done with signs from mother nature. She can go shove ’em.