I think I quit this life thing. Can I do that?
Yesterday my husband looked at me while I was ranting about something-or-another and said, “Don’t crash on me.” I assured him I was not.
NOW I am.
I have run out of medication. My anti-depressants. I noticed I was running low last week, but with being sick as hell it slipped by mind. So today I pick it up and realize it is empty. And, in fact, I’m not even sure I took any yesterday. I can’t remember much of anything right now. So this is not helping with the day in general, but it is by far not the only factor.
My MIL has cancer. Did I mention that? No? Apparently this is the next shoe that life has chucked in our general direction. It is turning heel over toe directly for our foreheads, and I’m not entirely sure we have enough energy in us to duck. So far the prognosis is unknown, all we know is that it is indeed cancer. Biopsy on her lymph nodes in 2 weeks (2 weeks!!) will tell the doctors what they are dealing with and what she is facing. What we are all facing. And I would like to point out, in a giant “FUCK YOU” to the universe, that I happen to like my MIL a lot. I hear so many horror stories about mothers-in-law and all I can say is that I got very very lucky. She threw my baby shower for us. She showed up on our doorstep the day we got home from the hospital, crying. She’s putting a stone in her grandmother’s ring for Devin, because he’s their grandchild. There is so much more I could say about this woman. She raised Denis and his brother by herself for the most part, until getting re-married when they were older. I am just stunned – STUNNED – that four months after losing his son my husband is now hit with this.
So yeah, anger? I have a lot of it. And no one to direct it towards.
I have basically been restricted to bed for the past four days, and it’s getting rather draining. I’m feeling a little better but it’s so hot and humid out that I can’t even leave the bedroom without sweating to death. I’m starting to feel like the world doesn’t exist outside my bedroom and my laptop. I’m watching Lost episodes and posting on forums (which seem so very quiet, is that just me?). I’m on AF watch, which is making me break down a little more each hour.
At this point I have no clue if I even ovulated when I thought I did. (And if I did ovulate late it means we have no chance at pregnancy, because I got sick and no sex has been happening.) I keep reminding myself that if I did ovulate it still might not show up until Friday. But the wait just… sucks. In so many ways. Just waiting for the timer to run out. It makes me feel so goddamn frustrated.
I feel like I have no life. Waiting for our next chance, our next appointment, for insurance so we can start IVF. When we lost Devin I lost every sense of self that I had. I was regaining it, I was building a new me, but just now… being sick and slightly delirious… I feel like I have none. Like I don’t care. Like every good damn thing in the world is being taken away from me and I just don’t give a fuck anymore. Or I do, and I don’t want to. I want to stop feeling, I want to stop wishing and hoping, I want to stop waiting.
I hurt, in body, mind and soul. I just want to stop hurting.
sending big hugs sweetheart. One day at a time.
Oh, the universe can just go screw. SCREW.
I’m sorry things are sucking so much right now. I have totally been there. Eventually it won’t suck quite so much. It’s a lot to get through. But you will.
And we will be here, with you.
hell yea you can quit life for a while. it just won’t quit you. time marches on and sometimes that is the best thing…you can catch up when you are ready. damn it.
I am sorry to hear about your MIL. It seems that life just goes downhill as we get older. It’s always bad news now. Maybe I am just too jaded. Hope you feel better soon. Hang in there.
OMG! I know how you and Den must be feeling about your MIL. My father was diagnosed with colon cancer about two-three years ago. They caught it in time and we hope that it’s gone for good after his treatments. This is so not what you need right now. *hugs for both you*
Hi! I’ve been reading your blog for a while and just wanted to say – you deserve so much more happiness. I really really really wish you and your husband better times to come. ** healthy vibes ** and ** baby dust galore** being sent your way.
I just wanted to say that I’m sorry to hear about your MIL. I think of you & Denis more often then you’ll know and am praying for you too. I’ll be praying for your MIL and family as well. Ugh…you deserve so much more then this hurt. I am sorry.
I am so very sorry you are suffering like this. My heart goes out to you with all that you have endured and are continuing to battle. You don’t know me, I’m a stranger, but you are in my thoughts….I can only imagine the pain you feel…
I hope that one day your heart will be filled with much joy and your arms filled with a wriggling child.
Please don’t give up.
Jenn in Australia
…and my thoughts go out to your MIL, may her prognosis be better than expected…
My heart is with you – Ive wanted life to stop a few times over the past few months. My MIL – who I love – has also just found out she has cancer. And there were weeks between tests as well, which were horrible to wait through.
She had her first round of chemo 2 days ago, and we are just praying that it works. Your MIL is in my thoughts, as are you, I know how hard it is…
sorry to hear of your MIL’s illness. I know how much she must mean to both of you. thinking of you all and hoping for the best.
Popping in from L&F…
BIG, BIG Hugs for you and your husband. Life sucks and you have EVERY right to be angry.
Thinking about you and your family.
Natalie, I am beyond angry for you. This is such a shit deal. I am so sorry for you and your DH. Please let him know that there are people out here on the blogsphere sending you both positive thoughts and vibes.
I am so sorry about Devin and about your MIL. HUGS
I am so sorry about Devin and about your MIL. HUGS