Here’s the part that really gets me.

I am not upset that I am not currently pregnant right this second. I am not upset that I am not due in March. I am not even all that upset at trying again next month.

But I am freaking out because I feel like our window of opportunity is closing. Because if last cycle didn’t work, and this cycle didn’t work, it more or less says to me that natural cycles aren’t going to work. For a normal couple that would be jumping the gun considerably. But for someone who tried for over a year with no success the first time and only got pregnant through IVF? I don’t think I’m making any sort of great leaps of imagination here.

It would feel different if we could just jump into IVF when I get tired of this bullshit routine, but that’s not yet an option. I feel stupid because I haven’t even taken the steps to fix that yet, but I really was hoping I wouldn’t need to fall back on Plan B.

I want my miracle baby. I believed in my miracle baby. And I know that doesn’t count for jack shit in the real world, but I’m upset about it regardless. I want to live in a world where sex creates babies. That’s all. I just want something in this motherfucking year to go right, to be unexpectedly positive. i want a good surprize.

I feel like I did as a child, when all I wanted every year for christmas was a kitten or a puppy. I told everyone that I would give up all the other presents – every single one of the – if I could just get that one thing. I knew it was far-fetched, but I always held hope every single year that my parents would see how badly I wanted it and give me the best surprize of my life.

I was never given a puppy or a kitten as a gift. I went out, saved my money, figured out how to get one, and basically forced my parents to accept it (they were not pleased). And I was always slightly bitter about it – that no one recognized how very very badly I wanted it and how much I would treasure it. That no one thought I deserved it, or maybe what I wanted just didn’t matter enough.

Now we know we can force mother nature to yield – with a lot of effort, a lot of money, a lot of time. And maybe I should be happy with that and give up on the rest of it. But still, every night I fall asleep hoping that maybe, just maybe, I’ll wake up to a baby under the proverbial christmas tree.