I couldn’t stand it any longer, I took a test. It was negative.

Ever since the day that I spotted I felt like I really was pregnant. I had full on cramping with the bleeding that day. My cervix was low. And then just like that it stopped and my cervix went high. I thought could it be? Really? I felt like it was all just… right. I convinced myself that it was really possible, that this was when things would change. I started thinking about how I’d tell Den, how I’d call my parents. I started patting my belly in a different way.

Tonight I just couldn’t take it anymore… I was going to hold out until tomorrow morning, 3 days after the spotting… the same point when I got the BFP with Devin. But I realized I was going to drive myself crazy and work myself up completely.

The whole way home I was thinking about it being negative and how would I feel about that? I know I want so badly to see a positive test, but how can I handle a negative? Finally I decided that it’s going to suck seeing a negative, but it’s better now than letting myself daydream anymore. So I took a test when I got home from work. I felt calm when I dipped it, but my hands were shaking. I set it on the sink to process, then tried to wash my face. I couldn’t stop looking at the test as it developed. I shoved it under a towel while I waited, then fished it out a few minutes later.

There was only one line. No “almost” lines. Clearly negative.

I felt less disappointed than I expected… more stupid because I had actually thought it was possible. I leaned forward and put a towel over my head while I breathed in. “Stupid, stupid,” I muttered. Of course I’m not pregnant. Why did I even think it was possible?

I might re-test in a couple days. Going by my pre-pregnancy cycles my period should be here on thursday or friday, so really now it’s just a waiting game.

I mean, the timing of this cycle would have been… interesting. I could go either way on it really… it might have been comforting to have the timeline follow my pregnancy with Devin. Or it might have been terrifying. I don’t know. And it doesn’t matter, because the choice wasn’t mine to make.

So we continue trying. I keep exercising and losing weight, I make an appointment with the RE, I put in an application for a job, and we just keep waiting, waiting, waiting.