Hope
To be honest I was relieved when I thought my period had started at 9dpo again. It was unexpected, early. It circumvented that entire second week of waiting, the worst week. It didn’t allow me the time to start believing that I was pregnant, to start analysing and wishing and imagining the possibilities. There I was, just trying to get through the day feeling sick as hell, and my reaction was just, “Oh not more to deal with right now.” But I was at peace with the outcome.
And then it went away. I’m left feeling sick to my stomach emotionally, running through various refrains of “what if…” I allow myself brief moments of imagining the best possible outcome, then get angry for doing that to myself. Juding from my pre-pregnancy LPs I shouldn’t expect my period until thursday or friday… which was what I was happily trucking along towards before the little AF-fakeout. Now I’m just out of patience. I’m cranky, I’m tired, and I don’t want to be hopeful. Yet I am.
I keep reminding myself that at this point I have no control on the outcome. The one thing I DO have control of, however, is how I handle it. So I’ve starting making a mental list of possibly positive things about getting a negative this cycle. Not reasons that I want it to be negative, but things that, if it were negative, I could use to soothe me from becoming too upset. I keep running them through my head, over and over. “It’s okay, it’s okay. Whatever the outcome, it’s okay.” I’m trying to return to my zen state.
::
And then this morning, when taking my dog out, I checked the mail. Before I describe this, do you remember me talking about the names we’ve picked out for our next child(ren)? Go take a look, trust me. So this morning I check the mailbox and there’s the Sharing Newsletter (from the SHARE organization). I glance at it and something jumps out at me. Take a look. I nearly dropped it.
Seriously? Seriously, life?? Are you fucking with me??
Wow.
Bad journal entry! Shh! No jinxy! :P
So is this a cosmic sign to have faith? Or a cosmic “eff you, pick a different name”?
The former. But shhhh, we’re not talking about it.
LOL Kate!
Wow. What a huge coincidence, but only a coincidence I am sure. Still, I got a chill reading that, as I am sure you did as well. So very strange.
OMG that is funny…not in a “ha ha” way but in a “are you SERIOUS??” way. do we look for signs or do they look for us?
That’s insane, dude. I cannot believe it.
That’s crazy. If I believed in signs, THAT is a sign.
Whoa, that’s freaky!!
Freaky.
Here from Lost and Found.
Saw your picture of Devin and my heart breaks for you.
*hugs*
Dude, not a lot does but that freaks me out…not in a bad way, just in a holy shit kind of way.
Here from L&F.
TWW waits suck, especially when freaky signs come through the mail! Maybe it will be a good sign…
I reach for that zen too, though I rarely manage to find it.