Not real pee sticks
After a week of testing with OPKs I finally got a positive one this morning – ovulation is forthcoming. ‘Course I could have told you that because of my CM, but a little confirmation makes me obsess less about reading the signs right. I’m still a little shocked that my body is actually producing an LH surge that is being picked up by OPKs… I had rotten luck with them before.
Here’s this months OPKs all lined up.
Last month I ovulated on about cycle day 23. This month it appears I’ll be ovulating on either cycle day 18 or 19. This is progress, and I am pleased.
Just for shits and giggles I plugged friday into a due date calculator to see where it would land me. March 20. Which would place Devin’s birthday smack at 38 weeks. And Den’s birthday is 3 days after the due date. So would I be thrilled to get pregnant this month? Absolutely. But, for mental health reasons regarding the timing, if I don’t get pregnant I won’t be too upset either. I’m letting the universe take care of the timing on this one.
::
Last night I was laying in bed trying to sleep, my thought processes immersed in plans for TTC, what I’ll do when I’m pregnant, and feeling frustrated about being in limbo.
It hit me then that I’m right smack in the middle of it all again. The TTC obsession. The planning sex and plotting dates and wondering and worrying and waiting. When I realized that I just had this flash of overwhelming frustration. For a moment I actually had a desire to go backwards in time to when I was grieving more, grieving enough that I couldn’t think of anything but surviving… that I felt lost and adrift and was starting to shift my focus to things like hobbies and work. There was nothing else then, and I had to find something new. But at least it was new! At least it was something external, out in the world. Now I’m right back where I fucking started, and I am not happy about it. I don’t know how to TTC without surrounding myself with it all. There’s a part of me that enjoys it.
It’s a timesink, and it’s deceiving. You start putting things off because “next month I might be pregnant.” You plan around things just in case. You put your heart on your sleeve every month, anticipating, being disappointed.
I’m glad my cycle took as long as it did to return. I was still in limbo, but at least it was a quiet limbo. No ripples, no worries. Just existing. I guess my body knew what was best for me.
This is a great post, Nat. I have nothing decent to offer you here (do I ever?), but I wanted to say how much I liked it.
I never had luck with OPK’s, either, and still don’t My cycles are too damn long.
I hope so much that this will be your month. I am very excited for you.
Do you chart your cycles at all?
Ya know, hun? It’s ok to be TTC – as long as you are ready for it. And bodies are great things, sometimes. :)
Yep, that opk is very positive. I never could go those stupid things to work for me. Like you, I could *usually* tell by the cm.
It’s so good to read more positive posts from you these days. I’m also glad that you will take things as they come. Try not to fall apart as I did this month *hugs*
I hate those feelings of deja vu when you realize everything is just as it was, except not remotely at all.
Damn, those are some sticks.