So ever since we lost Devin you know that I’ve wanted to get pregnant again right away. (No I’m not pregnant, so you can stop getting excited about that – I haven’t even ovulated yet damnit.) But I could only ever picture having a girl. Sometimes I think about how I’ll decorate the room for a little girl, what kind of person she’ll be. It seems easy enough to picture myself with a little girl. It was NOT easy for me to picture myself with a little boy that was not Devin. I couldn’t really think about it. Oh, we’ve been tossing names around (since Devin was the only boy’s name we’ve ever agreed on, so I was kind of in an “oh crap, what do we do now?” space about names), and we may have settled on one… but actually using it? Picturing the baby that could use that name? Not happening. Devin was my little boy, my only little boy, and I wanted him, not some other boy.

Today I was just flipping around online looking for baby bedding – looking for Devin’s set to see if there’s anywhere I can buy just the quilt (so far no luck). I also looked at girls bedding a little bit, to see what’s out there and feel a little warmth in thinking about having a daughter someday, which I am convinced will happen. (Sometimes I find it a little strange that I can do that… look up baby stuff. And not get upset. But I do, more and more frequently. It’s okay because I am just waiting for my next chance.)

Then just for the hell of it I looked for boy’s bedding to see what else was out there. I will not be using what I chose for Devin for another little boy – I decided that even before I found out it was discontinued. A new boy deserves a new theme, new bedding. I’m going to re-use a lot of the stuff we got for Devin, as the intent was always to use most the baby gear for more than one child. But the bedding? The bedding is special, and I always intended to do a different room theme for each child… that’s just how I am.

So there I was, looking at different boy’s bedding. And that’s when it hit me: I feel okay about this. I was actually thinking about Lucas (yes, that’s the name – it’s not set in stone yet) using it. Lucas, not Devin. Holy crap. Holy crap.

Out of nowhere I feel like I turned another corner… pressed on a scar and it no longer hurt. I think I’m going to cry simply out of relief. I’m going to be okay someday… I really am.