Peace and crankiness
The other day I had a moment of such peace and tranquility. I was laying in bed and I just felt like everything was going to be okay. I don’t know if that means that this is going to be our month, or if it’s close, or even if it just means that I’m coming to terms with things. But it sure felt good to feel that way, if only for a short moment.
I am getting further away from the “how it was supposed to be” feelings. It’s not that I think it was “supposed” to happen like this – how could I, my baby is dead – but it’s sort of settled into an acceptance of the situation. As life progresses and I continue to work Devin into my life I am kind of getting used to this idea of having had a stillborn baby… it’s becoming the “new normal.” It doesn’t seem quite so traumatic anymore. I think I’m coming to terms with Devin being who he is, not who he was supposed to be. For a long time I was just so overwhelmed with this feeling of injustice, picturing Devin as a newborn, as a live baby, raising him. Those thoughts still hurt so deeply, when I think of them – but I think of them less. When Den and I talk of the future we talk of future babies and the plans we have for them, just as we once talked about Devin. We talk about Devin in terms of memories of his pregnancy and how he is in our lives now: his pictures, his tree, his place in our family as firstborn. Those are the things he will always be, the things we will always have.
And I am thankful. Thankful that I am slowly healing. Thankful that it doesn’t hurt like a hot poker in my chest every single day. These are the days that I promised myself would come again. This is not joy, but it is peace. Half of the equation. Half of living. I still have a long ways to go – I don’t always want to live a half-life. But progress is being made, and that makes me believe I will find the other half someday.
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I do, however, get extremely cranky sometimes. Low on patience, low on tolerance. For all I talk about being accepting and supportive, sometimes my thoughts are far, far from it. I just get so angry sometimes. But my eyes are rather tainted right now. I have a hard time telling when I’m upset because of my recent loss, if I’m upset because I feel like my opinions/preferences are being threatened, or if I’m upset for some sort of rational reason. Sometimes my grief strikes in rather irrational ways. I just try to rein myself in, take some deep breaths, and find something else to do… and remind myself to be fair.
And I get just so frustrated, so worn down, by the constant negativity and bad stories. You all know how I feel about labor and birth, so it’s just hard to hear again and again women talked into inductions, ending up in c-sections. Whose to say if they were necessary or not? Some of them most certainly were. But I swear it seems like EVERYONE I know that has had a baby recently has had a c-section, and it’s depressing. And I just feel like crying, I really do – crying FOR them. Is it the worst thing to happen? Absolutely not. But I just keep seeing the snowball effect… over and over again. I rarely rarely see anyone attempt an intervention-free birth, much less actually achieve one. It’s really no wonder that when I announced I was going to have a natural childbirth no one thought it was possible.
Oh, and as a side rant (well not really a rant, more like a… frustration). I’m watching season one of Lost and someone gives birth to a baby in it. And it was very hard trying to prevent my eyeballs from rolling back into my head while I watched. The good doctor’s advice to the person who had to deliver the baby was to wait until the contractions were 60 seconds apart, then tell her to push. And when she did just that, she was just pushing when the clueless person told her to. Oh for heaven’s sake. And when she pushed, she was screaming. Dude, if you’re screaming you aint pushing right. (But of course, a birth scene wouldn’t be complete without screaming. No one would believe it otherwise!) And what about the important parts… you know, delivering the placenta, how to tie off the umbilical cord? The last thing you want is for clueless people to be going “OH MY GOD what do we do with THIS?!” Would it have killed them to actually look up what a birth progresses like?
Interesting factoids about my labor:
* My labor was 6 hours long, from start of induction to birth. And I was 0cm when we started.
* My contractions never really hurt until I hit transition. They were strong, and they required all of my concentration to breathe through (at least at the end they did – at the start they didn’t), but as long as I kept on top of them and didn’t tense up I was fine.
* I didn’t scream. I panted and whimpered and kept saying “I can’t, I can’t,” at one point, but no screaming. Den even told me so. I don’t even think I moaned very much. I guess I’m a silent laborer.
* My “transition” lasted for I think 2 contractions. Possibly 1. So a couple of minutes total. That was the point where I said, “I can’t, I can’t.”
* When you don’t have an epidural and you have to push? YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. My body was getting that baby out with or without me. I HAD to push or it hurt so very much.
* I was prepared for a very long labor, with hours of HARD labor. If I had gone into labor like that at home I would have completely missed getting to the hospital, without a single doubt. By the time I realized I was in full labor I was about 15-30 minutes from delivering. (And the hospital is 30 minutes away.) Next time I plan on going to the hospital immediately, just in case it follows the same order as last time.
It was crazy. So not what I expected.
Nat: I think we had the same labour – I started the induction on Saturday, was 2 cm at 2 pm, Gabriel was born at 10:36. My mother kept saying I had days to go, but my body sure wasn’t telling me that. Next time I’ll know to listen to my body. I too did it without drugs, and you are so right, when you fight against the contractions, they are much harder.
I am glad you are beginning to feel at peace. I can only imagine how hard of a road this has been to travel.
Your labor sounded wonderful, even with Pitocin.
I was induced at 40w 6d simply because my OB’s practice routinely induced at 41 weeks. She never talked about Bishops’ score or anything – I don’t even think she did one. Needless to say, I was labeled as “FTP” (or what I like to call, “failure to wait”). I wasn’t preogressing fast enough, I was told I had “CPD”. I “had” to have a cesarean section.
The REAL reason? Well, My son was posterior– nobody knew, even after I complained about HORRIBLE back labor. I was stuck in bed with an epidural (I REALLY wanted to avoid an epi, but the back labor was too much), and every other figgen machine known to man.
You are right, there really are worse things than ending in a cesarean. But, it was devastating to me, and as I found out, MANY other women. I am always labled “high risk” now, and have to fight tooth and nail to brth the way I want. All my future pregnancies are at higher risk due to risk of placental problems. All for an unecessary surgery, thanks to my naivity and the f*cked up birth machine in this country.
My experience prompted me to make my website,
http://www.birthcut.com
it’s a place where mothers and fathers can share their cesarean and VBAC art, poetry, feelings and stories. The cesarean is definitely abused, and MANY are not necessary, the sad thing is, some women still believe theirs’ was. They believe their body is broken.
Oh Michele. That’s exactly the kind of story I was talking about. :( I’ll check out that website later, for sure.
Oh, and, I didn’t have pitocin! Another little nugget I forgot to mention. I was induced with cytotec. Something that freaked me out afterwards, when I found out what it was… BUT my body responded beautifully to it and they never got to the pitocin part!
I know you are talking about choice and making sure people are informed, but I can’t help but think that I don’t really care how the baby gets here. As long as he comes out alive.
Then again I have/had an uterine anomaly and subsequent surgery to remove it, so my options for birth are very limited. I just want a live baby, no matter how he/she arrives.
I have been reading your posts about birth with great interest, because I feel the same way about it but don’t often get to say so. It makes me really angry that the AMA is trying to take away the choice to have a home birth, that midwifery practices are having such a difficult time surviving, and that it’s so difficult to have an intervention-free birth in a hospital if you want one. I was able to do the latter, but only because I had a midwife who had my back and kept the doctors out of my room and an L&D nurse who was on board (plus I stayed home until I was well into active labor). I dealt with the contractions during the last few hours by standing up and leaning against the wall or a chair, so being in bed would not have worked for me at all.
I consider myself a major weenie about pain in other aspects of life, so it doesn’t require a high pain tolerance to go natural. I totally hear you about how incorrect and annoying the depictions of childbirth on television and in the movies are. The fact that natural childbirth is dismissed out of hand by so many people (including my mother and best friend, who were shocked that I did it!) is really sad. I try to spread the word as much as I can, but it’s hard because people tend to dismiss you as an anomaly or get defensive if they had a different experience (or are planning one). So it’s great to hear someone else speaking out!
Reading your post really fired me up. my first pg was w/ twins. (one stillborn). i guess because i was having twins my OB thought she needed to induce me. i was never really told why or really given a choice as to when–she just told me at my 37 week appointment that i was scheduled for an induction the following week. i must admit i was excited to finally give birth and forgot about the fact that when my body was ready i’d give birth with or without pitocin. needless to say i had a awful amount of pain. pitocin sucks. my labor was fairly silent like your’s was. i did not scream. it hurt during transition..OMG…but i just pushed like you said. i just felt the whole thing was so medical and sterile because i knew when i’d be giving birth.
with my second pg i REFUSED to be induced. nope. i just let it happen. i used my ipod and songs i’d specially chosen to guide me through the labour. it was tough but you know i have done much harder (though not as wonderful!!) things in my life, for sure. it was 100% different. now i tell every pg woman i know to listen to her body and don’t let them force you into an induction if it’s not necessary.
once again, thanks natalie!