Sometimes I look at my life and think that I was just not meant for the traditional route.

I have been continuing to learn and reflect on birth, with my eventual eye on becoming a doula. I’ve been paying close attention to those online friends of mine who attempt a natural birth, especially those who hire a doula. I read their birth stories with a different set of eyes than I would otherwise. I ask myself, would I do that? Would I enjoy it? Would I be helpful? Is this something I want to pursue? The answer continues to be “yes.” Not now, maybe not next year. But someday, maybe. An option. Something pulls me in that direction.

I am one to follow my passions. Currently I work with animals, an employee for a non-profit. I don’t get paid very much, and I spend far more time there than what I get paid for. But I’m doing meaningful work. I enjoy it. People who work for shelters and rescues aren’t there to get rich or famous. They’re there because they truly believe in what they do. Even if it’s not sure it’s something I want to continue for the rest of my life, and I know it alone is never going to be enough to maintain the income we need, I feel like I’ve found my place there for the time being.

And maybe it’s unfair to say that I’m the kind of person who is passionate and driven by her heart. Maybe everyone wants to be, but doesn’t have the means to do so. I know I am very lucky to be allowed to find my own way. My husband supports me, both financially and emotionally, and I know how lucky I am for that. Very few people can choose to work just part-time, doing what they love to do… to pursue entrepreneurship, to pursue something like being a doula where the hours and income are unpredictable.

But what does it say about me that I like these types of jobs? The kind that require creativity and passion and emotional connection…. the kind that requires your whole heart, not just “in it to get through.” You don’t want a doula or a midwife you doesn’t love what they do… who says to you, “Well, I needed a part-time job, and I don’t really LIKE babies, but I deal.” That would be a FAIL. (And, not surprizingly, that’s why I’m currently failing at being an entrepreneur. I’m finding that my heart isn’t really in it… I’m doing something wrong, or it’s simply not what I should be doing with my life.)

I find I just don’t do well at anything in life that requires the polite, cordial, removed relationships that you get in most jobs. I really don’t do any kind of relationship where “How are you doing?” is required to be answered with some polite, not-to-deep response. I’ve always kind of lived with the motto of, “If you ask me how I’m doing you’d better be prepared to get the truth.” And I DO understand that there are a lot of situations that is simply not what happens. When a cashier asks how I am, I say, “Good,” with a smile. But that’s not someone I will likely see again, it’s not someone with whom I have any sort of personal relationship. But if you want in my life? If you want to have any kind of ongoing relationship with me? Then I want all-in. I want to know what makes you tick, I want to know when it’s good and when it’s bad, I want to be let in. And I give the same in return.

It took me years to figure that out. I used to be an extremely quiet, socially awkward person. I felt like I never knew what to say, and I was terrified of saying the wrong thing… so I said nothing at all. I knew that there were social rules to be followed, even (maybe especially?) among school-age kids. You say this to this person and that to that person… It’s no wonder I spent my free time in the library reading. Among family, too, I was extremely quiet. My mom made it very clear to us that we were to keep our opinions to ourselves at all times. You were to be polite, friendly and respectful. And I agree that one should be polite and respectful (if the person you are talking to is deserving of respect). But I think what my mom missed the boat on was teaching us how to express our opinions respectfully, rather than hiding them. It bothered me. It bothered me a lot. I hated having to subjecate my beliefs and feelings for someone else’s. So I simply avoided dealing with people. It seemed safest in all respects. I learned my own way of it later.

Blogging is what really taught me so much about myself; it also taught me how to function around others in a way that was both appropriate and true to myself. Yes, there are social rules to follow in order to keep harmony. But you don’t have to hide who you are to do so. I have carried all that I have learned online into my dealings with family and friends outside of the internet. I think it’s really helped me to find a stable ground within myself.

At work I have developed a good friendship with my coworker/supervisor, and I am pretty friendly with my boss as well, though we have less contact and there is a different dynamic there. But without those connections I doubt I’d still be there.

I think that’s a good part of why being a doula is so attractive to me. It’s me saying to someone, I will be there for you. I will guide you, teach you. But most of all I will listen to you. I will understand you. I will stand with you on the most important day of your life, when you are most vulnerable. I will not judge you. I believe in you. The very nature of the job is to connect with a person on a deep level, to establish a bond of trust.

The need for it says something about us as humans. Those bonds are fundamental and necessary. The act of birthing brings us back to our most basic needs… our true selves.