When the little things matter
You know, I’m really glad that I’ve been getting positive feedback about my writing about birth because I’m very nervous about upsetting people. The last thing I want to do is make someone feel bad about their medically necessary C-section, or to feel like a failure because she was induced. That’s not my intent here.
G wrote in her comment, “I can’t help but think that I don’t really care how the baby gets here. As long as he comes out alive.” And that really is the crux of the matter. It’s something that I am now really struggling with, because the two sides of me don’t seem to be thinking alike. The side of me that still views birth as a wonderful event, a gift, thinks how the baby gets here DOES matter. It is not THE most important thing, but it matters. But the other side of me, the mother of a stillborn, thinks we should just be getting the baby OUT. Just get it out as soon as possible! Alive! And stop whining and worrying about the rest!
But I think we miss the boat if we only worry about the most important thing. To me it’s like worrying only about the foundation of your house. If the foundation is crumbling, no amount of paint and furnishings and artwork is going to fix it, and it’s certainly not a good idea to worry about which artwork you have on the wall if the foundation has fallen apart. But for the most part, for most of us, the foundations are holding strong. And wouldn’t it be a sad life if we all just sat around patching up our foundations? If we didn’t bother with the other stuff because it wasn’t fundamental?
And I think, to some degree, those other things are fundamental to us, to our spirit. We need meaningful things in our lives. And no, not everyone wants nice artwork. Some of us want lots of flowers in our homes. Some of us don’t really matter what’s on the wall as long as we have music playing. But I think we should at least have the option of artwork, and flowers, and music, so that we can choose what we want in our life. And if you’ve never experienced it before maybe you should try it if you can, see if you do like it, see if it means something to you.
Not everyone wants a natural birth. For some people it just doesn’t matter. And not everyone has the option of a natural birth, sometimes there are medical impediments. But all I’m saying is that we should protect our right to have it, to try it. We should be encouraged to try it, told we can do it if we want to. So many people in our society don’t even know it’s an option. Their caregivers tell them they require IVs, or require being in bed the entire time, they look surprized and confused when asked about it. Their families tell them they’re foolish to even try, and laugh at them.
And sometimes it doesn’t work out when we do try it. One of the hardest things seems to be finding the balance between being dedicated to a natural birth and being accepting when things don’t go to plan. It’s a delicate balance, and hard to find. If you aren’t sure of yourself and that you really want to do it, chances are you will find yourself wavering in the middle of labor. You really do have to be sure of your choice. But on the other hand you cannot be so set on what you want that you can’t accept diverging from the course. Feeling that if you ended up in c-section that you “failed.” Or if you got an epidural that you weren’t “strong enough.” You always always have to remember that, despite the best-laid plans, mother nature follows her own path. You need to have a healthy amount of respect for what is out of your control. You make choices that affect the outcome: your mental preparation and training, the people you surround yourself with during your birth, your location/hospital. All these choices play a part in the grand scheme of things and are very important, and deserve your time and energy in making them. But once the game is in motion you have to trust that you did the best you could and things will play out how they will, and simply make the best decisions for what is in front of you. It is too late to second-guess, to place blame.
This is something I am going to struggle with, I can tell you that right now. Last time was so fucked up that I didn’t go into the labor room with the intention of a natural birth, it just turned out that way, for which I am grateful. But next time? Next time will be different. Next time will be “normal.”
Every labor is unique. You may have a posterior baby; your membranes might rupture before labor starts; you might have a very long labor, or very short, strong one; you might have back labor… none of which you can know in advance (with the exception of baby position – you might know that one in advance, but babies can and do turn at the last minute). What kind of labor your friend had, your mother hand, even you had in previous pregnancies, don’t really mean much when you come right down to it. I’m still hoping that my first labor is an indicator of how my second one will go, but light knows it’s far from any sort of guarantee. They’re all different. They all have curveballs. I sure as hell didn’t expect to be induced, or to have a very short labor. Either one of those could have totally thrown me, had I not already been in shock at the other circumstances.
Of course the most important thing is having a live, healthy baby. But I believe that, with proper monitoring and good birth attendants, I can have that and the birth experience I want. I do not see them as mutually exclusive at all. Is one more important? Absolutely. I will throw my birth plan under the train if my baby is in danger. I am going to be worried sick, and probably completely paranoid. I have my own demons to face – it is going to be a hard journey, and I know that, I accept that.
But I can have hope, too.
Well said.
I tried to leave a comment yesterday and the computer ate it, so trying again . . .
I’ve been reading your posts about birth with great interest because I also feel very strongly about preserving the option to have a natural birth, home birth, and midwife-assisted birth — all of which are in danger. It’s not something that’s talked about much in the IF community from what I can tell. This is partly because it’s probably a more high-risk population than average, but also I have been amazed at just how few women have been exposed to even the idea that it’s possible (or desirable) to give birth without drugs or a c-section. For me it started out with reading Naomi Wolf’s book Misconceptions, and then I got a copy of Henci Goer’s book The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth, and the combination of the two completely changed the way I looked at the process.
I do hear you about not blaming yourself when things don’t go according to plan. I had been planning to give birth at a birth center, and then in the last week of my pregnancy my blood pressure crept up a bit too high for the midwives to be able to allow that, so I had to go to the hospital (where they had privileges, so I was still under their care). I was devastated and cried for three days because I was sure this was the death knell to my dream of having a natural birth. Then I wrote a very detailed birth plan, presented it to the midwives, and hoped for the best.
As it turned out, I managed to have the birth I wanted (well, close, anyway) by staying home for the better part of the labor (the first 12 hours) and having the midwives with me in the hospital for the rest (4 hours). But I was so scared of being there and the things that they might “do to me.” The fear was many things, but primarily about being forced, not having any choices, being bullied, having to argue and advocate for myself in the midst of people who were hostile to what I wanted. Which I could not have done at all — I was so inside myself that I didn’t have the capacity to argue with anyone.
Anyway, it’s wonderful to hear other women speaking out about this issue.
I agree with you. I think both the process and the end result matter. I chose to give birth to Gabriel vaginally, because that was the last respectful loving thing I felt I could do for him. I also acknowledge that depending on how developed a second baby is, when pre-e rears it’s ugly head, I may well have to have a section as a 26-36 week baby couldn’t necessarily survive a vaginal birth. And this has been hard for me. It’s so different than the home birth with a midwife I had planned.
One of the reasons I will have a midwife next time is to help me sort out how to use the medicine wisely. It’s not that the OB or even the Peri are completely medical, but they do have a different attitude to the situation. I want to be able to think through the choices, and make the best decision under the circumstances.
I completely agree about there being options available and women knowing that they are there. I think too many times the medical community has an attitude that they know better and that’s all that matters. I am very lucky to go to an office with same minded people who truly care about the birthing process. I normally see a midwife but while I was pregnant with Aiden there were two doctors in the practice (there is now a third) and my midwife wanted me to meet both of them just in case something were to happen and one of them would have to be present at the birth. At each appt that I saw the different doctors they both said “you are an ideal candidate for a midwife, a completely normal and uncomplicated pregnancy, hopefully I won’t have to see you again”. And I could tell that they both meant it. They wanted me to have the same natural birth that I wanted. Things didn’t end up that way but because of that attitude I also felt completely comfortable when one of the doctors had to be called in to assist with the vaccum extraction we ended up using the get poor Aiden out.
Anyway, I guess I said all of that to say that I agree with so much of what you’ve said and most definitely think every labor and delivery experience are unique and we should never beat ourselves up over things we have no control over.
I totally agree, we should be educated and given options and choices. Both sides of this arguement tend to get heated, when really what we all need is education and a middle of the road plan. Getting wrapped up in how the baby gets here, to me is like being wrapped up in the wedding and forgetting the marriage (excuse me I stole that from somewhere). But, as we all agree, the choice needs to still be there, women need to be more fully educated on this. We are educated, dealing with IF on many things related to babies (conception, birth etc) and have learned to be advocates for ourselves. Our friends that blink and get pregnant sometimes don’t even know what a cervical mucus is, let alone why they might need a doula. But I digress…
Anyways, this was just a heated discussion on my Mullerian Anomalies board Monday, so my angst on that probably spilled into your last post a bit (which, btw, there is an eloquent post on http://www.parents.com/followingelias about it 6/23). I am sorry if I seemed abrasive, that really was not my intention.
G – You totally didn’t sound abrasive at all! And actually you brought up an important point. So no worries.
Sorry for the multiple comments. Will trust that it’s there even if I don’t see it from here on out.
No worries, Star. I can delete the duplicate!
I love this post! I agree that the baby getting here safely is the most important thing. Another point is the mother’s safety. C-sections have higher risks for the mother than a vaginal delivery. There are way too many ‘elective’ sections. I have lots of friends and family members who pride themselves on ‘getting’ a section instead of having to go through labor. I don’t get it.
I think also that in today’s society, the rich are having sections more than the middle or lower class. So it is starting to be a class thing. So middle class women are starting to demand them more because they think it is somehow better.