Grey
I do not feel strong today. I feel weak. Lost. Hopeless.
I keep thinking about getting pregnant again, but even that thought isn’t upholding me today. So what if I get pregnant again. It’s not going to be Devin. Even if I do have another baby to love and hold, it’s never going to erase this hurt. I’m never going to feel better about this. I’m never going to feel complete.
And I’m overwhelmed. The thought of living the rest of my life hurting, missing Devin, is too much. I don’t want to. I don’t care what the rest of my life holds. He’s not here. I feel completely empty except for the pain.
I feel myself going into survival mode. Turning off my brain, my heart. Going back to putting one foot in front of the other. Not caring about anything, unable to see beyond myself. Everything is dark, everything is grey. There is no joy, there is no hope. Just pain.
I started crying at work today. Luckily my coworkers understand. A. sat and listened to me, talked with me as I cried. Her eyes welled up too. I said, “It’s been 3 months today.” She said, “I know.”
natalie, I’m so sorry for the pain you feel. you’ve exhibited such incredible strength. it’s ok not to be strong all the time, it’s natural to feel weak and lost and consumed by your grief. your heart will always miss devin, even when you have another child in your arms. I’m just so sorry.
Thinking of you today. 3 months was really rough on me. Yes, you will never erase the hurt, but you do learn to live with it like a constant companion (who some days, you just want to smack).
Be gentle on yourself.
xo
g
3 months was hard. Perhaps a better way to think of it is to say, it has only been 3 months.
Sending hugs and comfort. One foot in front of the other is ok too.
De-lurking to give you hugs. I’ve been reading for a long time.
I’m so, so sorry you are going through this.
You have been very brave to deal with the whole SIL pregnancy/birth situation. That’s not easy stuff.
Thinking of you.
Thinking of you today, Natalie.
xxx
I think of you daily and read as often. You are heavy on my heart today. Kristy (kwilder from JM)
*hugs*
I remember once, probably about three months out too, that if I were to have another baby, I wanted a girl. And I wanted to name her after Maddy. And then I realized I didn’t want another baby, I wanted Maddy back. I’m so sorry Natalie, go easy on yourself today.
It’s so hard, it’s still so fresh for you. I fell to pieces after my nephew was born, and I was at the 3 month-ish mark too. And it obviously had nothing to with him per se, but his safe arrival just reinforced all that why me, why my baby b.s. we go through. I’m so sorry Nat. It’s a hard road, but you’ll get through.
Not sure if you’re up for this, but have you read Cecily’s blog (now called Uncommon Woman)? She has written about the pain of losing her twin boys and how she’s felt, a few years later, in light of having a young daughter. Some of her insights may be helpful… but if not, maybe it’s something to think about reading in the future. Thinking of you.
*hugs*
I love you dearly, Nat. Maybe we don’t know each other, but I’m here with you.
Hugs from me, Nat. I am so sorry.
Thinking of you and wishing I could do more.
3 months…I’m sure the pain is still very fresh. I think I’ve read or heard somewhere (have no idea if it’s true) that it takes several YEARS (2-5) for grief to get to the point to where you won’t feel any better.
I think you’ll always miss Devin. How could you not? But I don’t think the pain will always be as all consuming as it is right now.
*Hugs*
All I can say is that it just sucks. That awful feeling in the pit of your stomach. That choking feeling in the back of your throat as you decide whether to breathe or cry because you cannot do both at the same time…I’m not going to tell you it’ll get better. Who the hell knows if it will or not? But you will manage and some days will suck. Other days will suck less. And, finally, some days will be wonderful. You at least seem to embrace all of it and that makes you the strongest person I know. So strong, in fact, that your blog is helping to heal my 19 month old wounds. Thank You.