Grasping at straws
I have mentioned how sad I am that I do not have more pictures of my son, and that what few I do have are relatiely poor quality, taken with a simple point-and-shoot camera. I did not have my camera, or anything of mine, with me at the hospital, even if I were of any kind of sound mind to attempt to take pictures.
But I have this one photo. And recently I have marvelled at this one photo, how perfect it is that it has his little hands folded in front of his face. I do not know if that was intentional on the part of the nurse who took them, as I had mentioned several times how much I loved his hands. But either way, it is just right.
I do not have many photos, but I have one I really love.
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I realized I do need to put some temporary distance between me, my SIL, and BabyH. As much as I do love my neice, right now I just can’t handle it all. I could handle the pregnancy and the labor, as I had been there before. But I cannot handle the homecoming. I cannot handle the happy new family. I cannot handle the stark reminder of what we were cheated. In a few months it will start to get easier, because they will start to move into a new normalcy of life. But in my head Devin is still a newborn, one I never got to bring home. Those thoughts are the most painful to me.
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Sometimes I actually think back to those first few weeks with a bit of longing. We both felt so lost in grief, but Den took the time off work and we spent the time cleaning the house, watching movies. Now we need to go to work. He goes to baseball practice, I go to meetings. Life marches on, and I long for that time where we could just watch movies for a week, doing nothing but holding each others hand.
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Relief. That’s what I feel when I read this entry on Glow In The Woods. Just the thought that maybe, someday, this hole in my heart will be more of a shadow than a gaping wound… that gives me hope more than anything else. I can go through hell if I know it’s temporary, if I know I’m going to heal and feel real joy again. I just know that I can’t go on feeling like this forever. I would crack under the weight.
Sending hugs.
Where we are now is not where we always have to be. The present is not our destiny.
It’s hard to remember that sometimes.
The photo thing is a hard one. We are so very lucky that we have over 200 hundred pics of Zak. When I hear people say they have non I really do panic for them. I think its so important to get photos. Even if your baby is born really early and you dont think you will ever want to look at them. You can always have them and not look at them, but if you dont have them but change your mind there is no going back. I think all hospitals should have a good camera and take loads of photos (like you said, some just are not in the right frame of mind to take pics). The hospital could let you know they have the photos and then at least they are there for those who down the track do want them.
Im so happy you have some photos though. Would be terrible if you had none.
Hugs
xxx
Though you’ll probably take a different path than the one I’ve travelled, I know that one day you’ll look around and find that your burden is lighter, your way easier.
I’ve never re-read the earliest entries on my blog, written a few months after the twins died. But I know if I did, I’d have trouble even recognizing the person I was back then, who could do nothing but grieve.