Trying to find my way through the mire
I don’t even know how to describe my emotions over the last few days. It feels like I’m on a roller coaster, never knowing when the next drop is. My stomach falls out from under me frequently, just like on a coaster. I feel sick… excited… sad… hopeful… everything at once.
Yesterday I had a complete meltdown. Den was unable to go to the hospital with me so I wasn’t planning on going… but instead I spent my time obsessing, my imagination running wild. I pictured the happy family, everyone crowded around in celebration, and I could barely breathe. I started getting panicky, upset, nauseated… literally nauseated. I wanted to go so bad, but I didn’t want to go without Den. Finally Kel sent me an email and told me to JUST GO. So I did.
I was shaking on the drive up. I felt glad that I was going, but I was so so nervous. What if there were a lot of people there? What if they didn’t want to see me? What if, what if. I swallowed it down, took a deep breath, and walked into the hospital. My voice was quiet when I asked for what room she was in. I found my way to the room and there was a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door. I asked the nurse about it, and she buzzed into the room and asked if it was okay that I go in.
I walked in to a dimly lit room, TV on, my SIL laying in bed. No one else was there, not even the baby. I gave her a hug and then I sat and we talked for a little while. She was tired, in pain from her surgery. She told me about how her labor went… I listened and added little remembrances of my labor. I’m really glad we got to sit and talk.
I gave her a gift: I had been shopping earlier in the day, trying to find the perfect thing. I found this and added my own poem to it.
H,
I’m sorry I’m not here to meet you today,
and that next year I won’t be here to play
But I’ve got an important job to do
Forever I’ll be watching over you
~ Devin
Tears welled up in her eyes, and mine too. We cried a little for him.
I didn’t stay too long, she looked so tired. I had just wanted to go, talk to her, connect with her. I just had to go see for myself so that my imagination would stop taking off with me.
Oh the way out I stopped at the nursery windows. A nurse was holding BabyH and brought her up to the window for me to see. She looked precious… and I think a little annoyed with being outside the womb, heh. I waved to her and left.
I felt so relieved going home… relieved that I had survived it, relieved that SIL and I had talked. (I had had a nightmare the night before that SIL hated me… it was one of the contributing factors to the really horrible day.) I was really glad it happened how it did… no other visitors, just SIL and me one-on-one. A quiet way to reconnect. It did me a world of good.
I remained feeling okay the rest of the day, but when night time rolled around and it was time for bed I ended up spending some time curled up on the couch sobbing. Missing my little boy so much I just wished for the earth to swallow me so I never had to feel again.
This morning Den and I went to the hospital to visit and see the baby. SIL looked far better after a night of rest. Baby was nursing when we arrived, so Den stayed out in the hallway for a while – I think in some ways he appreciated the delay, the time to prepare. I went in and just sat quietly, watching with a sense of wonder and longing. My breasts were made to do that… were ready to do that. SIL looked so relaxed and comfortable with it. I am proud of her.
I get a very different vibe from BIL since we lost Devin. I was always intimidated by him for one reason or another. It’s not that he was in any way rude or mean, but I always felt afraid of screwing up in front of him, like I didn’t know what I was doing. I was young, inexperienced. Now he looks at me differently…. with empathy. Now when we talk, I feel like there’s a real connection there.
I got to hold BabyH for a while. It felt so right, like I’ve always known what to do. One day, that will be my child in my arms… and I will be a good mama. I will be a GREAT mama.
On the way home from the hospital Den and I stopped for lunch and had a good talk about Devin and babies and how hard all this is. It was a really good thing to connect, I think we needed it. Throughout our infertility struggle I had brief periods of hope interspersed among an overwhelming sense of pessimism. Den was the one who always stayed positive, always told me to keep my chin up. Well, now it’s reversed. Now I’ve been through pregnancy, I’ve been through a good labor. I’ve seen what’s possible, that it IS possible, and I am hopeful. Den, however… he feels like the one time we were given hope it was snatched away from us. He hurts just as much as I do, but his response is to run away from it, to protect himself from more hurt. And I’m not saying that’s wrong – not at all. He’s trying to protect his heart, and I understand that… we just have different ways of handling this grief that’s getting stirred up by BabyH. And that’s making it hard in a way…. with us both needing opposite things, and both hurting so bad right now, it’s a bit of a strain. There’s been a little distance. We’ve been unable to really lean on each other. So at lunch when we just sat and talked and aknowledged it all… well, it doesn’t help how we feel, but we understand each other.
We both had to go to work, but I got home earlier. I downloaded the photos from my camera, editted them, and wrote a little bit. Then I got really sleepy and ended up taking a long nap. Den later asked if I was feeling sad and was that why I napped? I realized that… no… the opposite. I felt pretty peaceful, and for the first time in 48 hours could actually sleep without the feeling of a ten-ton weight sitting on my chest. I figured I had better take advantage of it before my mood took a nosedive.
The rest of the evening after my nap has indeed been not as good as my afternoon. I feel so… empty. One of my biggest fears isn’t that I’ll never get pregnant – it’s been proven that I can get pregnant, and get through pregnancy, and even have a positive labor – but I worry that even getting pregnant won’t help me feel any better. That having another child won’t do a thing for me, that I won’t bond to it, that I’ll spend my entire life crying over Devin. But despite that fear, I still cling to that hope…. the hope that we will have something good in our lives again, that we will have our day to look forward to. A chance at the right ending.
So I did it, I handled it. I survived. Now I deal with the aftershocks and try to find my feet again. I feel like I’ve lost myself all over again.
3 months tomorrow. Feels like a lifetime ago… and yet I can’t believe it’s been so long. 3 months feels like a blur of grief and healing.
Even though our situations are different (miscarriage, not stillbirth) I think I know what you mean. Right after I lost Thomas, I felt like I could never love another baby the way that I loved him. Over time, I’ve begun to look forward to that next baby, not as a replacement, but as a new, different child. Somehow I’ve begun to feel like I have enough love in me for another. It will be different, but I know the love will be there.
I know it will be for you too. It won’t take away from your love for Devin. I think it will just be different…probably bittersweet.
(hugs) I think you showed amazing strength in going to visit SIL and babyH. I know you must feel relieved to have it “over with”.
You are amazing! You have such strenght and I admire that of you.
Your poem from Devin is beautiful! Baby H is lucky to have him as her Guardian Angel
Yes, you will be a great mama. To Devin, who is away, and to other babies on earth. I’m glad that you see this, and I’m so glad that Devin is watching H.
Point of order: you ARE a great mama. Just not in the way most other mamas are. But anyone who loves their child as much as you do … that’s what makes a mama great.
Thinking of you today on this anniversary.
And you are so brave for going to the hospital. And that was a beautiful note you attached to the gift. And you ARE a great Mama. Not will be, but ARE.
You will bond with your future children, just as you did with Devin. Only it will be different because they will be different. No one will take his place, but you will find that your heart will be able to love all and give to all without taking away from any.
Oh my. What a wonderful gift from Devin to his new little cousin, & how great of you to think of that!! I’m so glad that it was just you & your SIL. I would have hated having a crowd around me too.
You are a great auntie, AND a great mama!
Things WILL get better for you. It just takes time. I know you’re tired of hearing that, but it’s true.
I think that seeing your SIL by yourself was the perfect thing for both of you. For as much as YOU are going through with this, SHE is going through just as much. She hasn’t lost a child, but she is wondering what you are REALLY thinking everytime you look at her or her baby, what you are REALLY feeling, and if things will ever truly be okay between the two of you ever again.
I loved the bear and poem. It was the perfect gift.
I’m thinking of you and your family. And like Kel said, you ARE a GREAT mama! And you are so strong. I don’t know if I was in your shoes if I would have been able to go to the hospital. And what a great gift from Devin! I’m glad the visit went well and it was just you and sil. Take care!
I believe you will get a chance to experience motherhood again and in the meantime you will be a great aunt to little baby H.
I think that little lamb is the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. What a beautiful gift from Devin.
I’m glad you were able to go and not experience a crowd. Just a little bit at a time goes a long way. I know you may not feel it but like everyone else has said, you’re simply amazing. XOXO
It is so, so hard when another family member has a baby during the core of mourning. It turns up so much within and without. You handled this with far more dignity and courage than I ever could have — you already are an amazing Mother to Devin.
You’re a brave woman, Natalie. Your Devin must be watching you proudly.
I have an older daughter, and so for me it was clear from the beginning that I could love any other children we would have, but that none would take A’s place. This pregnancy now is pretty tough because with love for this new baby comes the fear for this new baby. And even so I know these boys to be separate people, holding separate pieces of my heart. So no, I don’t think anyone can take A’s place for me. But when I can look that far, I hope for the joy a new baby would bring. I hope for that for you too.
The thing about husbands and the way they handle the pain. I think at the beginning I was better off. I carried him, I knew something of him. My husband was just sitting, waiting to meet his son. And he was so cruelly cheated. Then I had to labor, do the physical work. Then I had to heal, again– something to do. He didn’t have these to-do things, these milestones. It waxes and wanes for both of us these days, but there are definitely times when he is in the bad part of it, worse than me on that particular day. There is nothing much to do, unfortunately, but be there for each other…
You are very brave and I admire your strength and courage. I love your gift and poem…both were beautiful…brought tears to my eyes.
You will be able to love another child…each child is loved equally but differently. We all mourn our loss differently. I will always miss my baby boy. He’s always with us and we are always missing him. But it’s not the overwhelming pain I felt in the days/months/first year after his death. We had about 8 mos before I got pregnant again with our daughter. As excited as I was about the new pregnancy I was still sad and also so very afraid. And when she was born there was such a rush of emotions…happiness, relief, and sadness.
My husband didn’t want to have any more kids after we lost babyT. He just didn’t want to go through that heart ache and couldn’t bare to see me go through it either. I had to plead with him to try at least one more time. After our daughter was born we said we were done and then babyboy J snuck in. He’s a blessing. Not planned and probably not what I could have handled directly after babyT. I did have a hard time bonding with him (and especially when I found out he was a boy…I really wanted another girl because I thought babyT should be our only boy)…I do believe that was a result of my experience with babyT and possibly guilt. I’m not really sure. I had alot of anxiety when I was pregnant with him…really had a hard time with how I was going to deal with seeing him and how I could possibly love him since babyT was cruelly taken away and then there was all this love for babygirl J…I felt like there was no more room for another. But one day after he was born I fell in love with babyboyJ and he’s been a real joy.
You’ll have all these things Natalie. Keep coping and getting your feelings out. It doesn’t remain like this forever although it feels like it will.
Hi Nat! I’m from the April DDC (adamswifey7, formerly mrsdismang) and I’ve been keeping up with your blog for a while now. I cry and feel so deeply for you every time I check in. I really feel you on this specific blog because before I had Maddi, I had a miscarriage. I had to go to the maternity ward for my D&C and I had to hear babies crying and see women coming in to have their babies, and I thought, “why am I here NOW?!?! I should be here to have my baby!” And I’m not sure that you thought these things, but for some reason I just felt all of those feelings when I read this blog. I think of you so often and always pray that you are healing. I am so glad you are positive about being pregnant again. I hope the best for you and Den!
A much belated comment to this post…
You are a great mom to Devin and will be to your future child(ren)!
I LOVE the note you attached to the stuffed animal for your niece! I hope you don’t mind I might “barrow” your words and do something similar later this summer when my husband’s brother and our sister-in-law have their baby, who is due only about a month after Molly’s EDD would have been.
Anyway, I was so touched by your post and again, I feel like in many ways you are living through things a month or so ahead of me and “showing me the way” to deal with baby loss gracefully, while being so open and candid about your experience.
We just celebrated (I am not sure if that is the appropriate term for it) the second month since Molly was born and died on Tuesday of this week. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you recently were at the three month milestone for Devin. (((HUGS)))
Take care,
Kathy
Commenting again in honor of today’s “Blogger Bingo” category (a post that mentions an animal). This post moved and inspired me so much at the time and it still does. I did end up buying a special stuffed animal for my niece (“from Molly”) when she was born last August and included a similar message. So thank you again for your thoughtfulness and awesome example while you were in the midst of those first months of grieving and healing after losing Devin. (((HUGS)))