The news everyone was waiting for
BabyH is here! (And no, I will not be posting her name, nor any pictures… sorry all, but it’s not my baby to share.) She was born at 12:29am on June 4 via c-section. She is healthy, SIL is healthy, so all is well.
But boy do I have a lot of shit going on in my head right now. I debated posting this or not… but I decided I am dedicated to preserving in this blog what it was really like on this journey.
I thought for sure she was coming on Tuesday. I really really wanted her to come on Tuesday. Why? Because when I got the message that SIL’s water had broken I realized that the date was 6/3… Devin was born on 3/6. I felt that meant something good. But she missed the date by 29 minutes. And I know it shouldn’t matter what the hell date she came on, but in my head it matters. I’m upset over this. I’ll need some time to adjust.
Secondly I’m really sad that SIL had the c-section that she wanted so badly to avoid. When I got the message that she was being induced – hours after her water had broken – I was a little worried for SIL. Not a good start to the labor. And when midnight passed with no word I started suspecting a c-section was on its way. And sure enough.
There’s more reason that I’m upset by the c-section than just being sad for SIL, though. She didn’t have a vaginal birth, like I did. I guess in my mind that would have been one more thing we had in common to talk about, to share. Since the obvious is missing – raising a child, having a live baby – I feel like every little bit counts.
It doesn’t help that by the time the text message came I was wound as tight as a spring and was literally feeling sick at the tension. Now it’s all hitting me. Picturing them proudly rejoicing in their healthy baby, in their new parenthood… remembering how my birth had such a different, grief-stricken end… just makes me weep.
My instinct is either to run far away or run straight into the thick of it. Since running away simply isn’t an option, I need to jump into it. I need to see her as soon as possible – preferably before I start really driving myself insane. I need to meet her, to take photos of her so I can sit at home with them and let it all sink in. My imagination is a far worse threat than reality.
Next to losing Devin this may well be the hardest thing I’ve ever faced. Light grant me strength. I feel so lost.
*hugs you tightly* This must be so hard for you… stay strong, sweetie.
Not sure if my email went through (i got crazy errors andit wouldn’t come back up), so I will post *hugs* here too.
I can only imagine. I think you have proven yourself to be stronger than you even know. I wish you all the strength you need.
*hugs* I wish you all the strength to get through this in the coming time. It will get easier, I assure you. Hang in there. Keeping you in my prayers!
I can’t imagine how you feel right now. I would just jump right in too! What a beautiful poem that was written on the quilt. I have you in my prayers, always.
Oh, this is going to be soooo hard… but I agree, it’s probably best to jump right in & get it over with!! Good luck!
Thinking of you.
I am glad that Baby H is here safe and sound. This will be hard for you, but you will get through it. It’s ok to go there, stay 20 minutes, and then go home and cry all day if you need to. Wishing you strength.
Hugs. It doesn’t so much matter how they are here, when they are here. We women beat ourselves up far too much.
Right here with you, Nat. Holding your hand virtually.
You’re amazing to do this, to get the phone call, to take the camera, jump in a face your fears. Amazing. I’m a cowardly twit, it would seem — I’d hide under my bed. Thinking of you.
I can’t even imagine what you must be going through right now. I will be thinking of you, you are an amazing person.
Nat, you can’t control things. It sucks you will have less in common with SIL, but life happens as it will.
wishing you strength to get through this, however you need to.
((Hugs))
Just wanted to give you a hug, and tell you that I’m thinking of you.
Hugs, Nat. Glad the baby and SIL are ok.
And maybe 3/6 is Devin’s numbers not to be shared…at least not yet.