When I was pregnant I felt a little disconnected from the infertility blogosphere – it’s hard to really feel the same kind of pain when you are pregnant. I skimmed the lost and found, mostly to check to see if anyone I knew was pregnant or had a baby. But most of the names were unknown to me. Some days I would skip reading it altogether.

I read the Lost and Found every day now. Except now instead of scrolling down to see who had a baby I immediately scan down to Loss Announcements. Every day I check it, holding my breath, waiting… waiting for someone else to lose their baby like I did. I breathe a sigh of relief every day that there’s no tragedy announced.

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I still can’t say that I feel connected to the community in the same way I used to. Am I still infertile after having a baby? Am I still infertile when we have barely started trying? In some ways it feels like I’m back at the very beginning, starting the TTC journey and not knowing if infertility is in my future or not. It feels like a separate timeline, a blank slate.

I’ve heard enough people say, “Maybe pregnancy will fix it,” that I actually believe it’s possible. That belief makes me nervous, because if I’m not “fixed” will I end up with another huge diappointment as we face the whole process again? Will I feel like my body failed me all over again? I don’t know if it’s better to start out pessimistic and plan for IVF right from the start, or to hold on to the hope that we won’t need it. I know – hope for the best, plan for the worst.

The first time around, even after the 1-year mark when I was most certainly considered infertile, there was always that feeling that next month I could get pregnant and be kicked out of the club. Not that the people on the blogosphere would do that intentionally – the Lost and Found is a glowing example of how all infertiles are acknowledged and supported, no matter the state of pregnancy. But still, once you’re pregnant your readership does change. When you read the struggles of those still in the trenches you can no longer relate to them in the same way as you did before.

The infertility club is a transient state for most (those who are at the end of their journey with no resolution are a different category altogether). Yes, it is for life – the frustration and pain will stay with you, the struggle of infertility will forever alter you. But at the same time, most do move on in some way. You are struggling towards something and the pain emerges from not being able to attain it. Once you get pregnant and have a baby, or adopt a baby, you have finally arrived. That thing you wanted so bad is finally yours.

But losing a baby has no resolution. You want not just a child, you want that child. And you will never, ever get it. The deadbabymama club is not something you will ever move on from. There is no “maybe tomorrow.” There is no chance of this ever working out the way you want it to.

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Some of the deadbabymamas in blogland have started a community for us: Glow In The Woods, a fantastic idea. I’m really excited about it and hope to contribute to the project as it grows. I can see a ton of promise for it.

If you have lost a child please go check it out and be sure to submit your blog. It would be wonderful to have a thriving community, a hub for those who have lost to find others in similar situations.