Two whole days of feeling not-bad! Friday I was still coughing and had a frog-voice but we went to see Ironman anyways – and it was worth it. And sitting through the movie wasn’t bad at all, only a couple of coughs, which signalled to me that things were looking up. This morning I woke up and felt a ton better physically. Emotionally I’ve been doing pretty well. Two good days of actually feeling happy and silly and enjoying the little things. I’m feeling positive.

Friday as I was scrapbooking I ended up staring at a bunch of pregnancy photos taken about two weeks before Devin died… so when my belly was big and round. I just sat there, flipping through them, staring. It’s getting harder to remember what it felt like to be pregnant.. not beingn able to bend over, bumping into things, feeling the kicks and squirms inside. It’s hazy like a dream… and the more time elapses the more hazy it gets. That upsets me a little… I want to remember, I want to hold onto that moment.

But I didn’t get weepy. I was a little dazed by the memories and realizing that it really was me just a couple months ago, that it really did happen. But I will be pregnant again, and I will get to experience that again. It’s something to look forward to. I’m back to feeling grateful that I experienced it at all. I am thankful for those memories.

Tonight I met Den at work, at the “club” on base, for some drinks and socialising. I had a large white russian that had considerably more vodka in it than a white russian is supposed to have. I started feeling tipsy only halfway through the drink – which is rather unlike me, or at least unlike how I used to be. The good news is that I did not have an emotional crash afterwards. I just felt pleasantly buzzed and that faded into me feeling a little tired but still quite pleasant. I am relieved. But maybe I’ll just stick to having drinks when I’m having a good day.

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Wow, I just realized something. I ended up staring at the pathology report entry as I flipped through some pages here and something jumped out at me: his length. His crown-to-rump length was only 26cm, which is at the very lowest end of normal for that gestation (as indicated by the report, at least). But his crown to HEEL length was 44cm, which is above average. He had long legs! I shouldn’t be surprized by that, I have long legs and we already knew his fingers were long and skinny. Sigh. He was such the perfect little baby. I hope our next one is too.

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And then of course I randomly come across something like, say, my the Amazon Wish List I’d created already for Christmas presents for Devin. Another reminder of what we’ve lost. Just another stab in the heart.