Homebirth and Stillbirth
I am currently halfway through watching The Business of Being Born. I had it on my list for a few months now…. I really wanted to see it but… Devin. Tonight I wanted to watch something; that movie popped up on Netflix and I thought, well, let’s try it. I had a positive birth experience and still hold close in my heart the image of next time, so maybe I’ll be able to watch it.
So far it is an excellent movie, like everyone has said. Really well done. Definitely worth a watch. (And it’s available on Play It Now on Netflix.) And I’m not having such a hard time with it.
I have conflicting thoughts about the whole idea of homebirth. I used to be in favor of it, though not passionately so. I would snort at the idea of needing a hospital to feel safe, and patiently explain to my husband that emergencies were rare and you would get transferred to a hospital if you really needed it. But now? How do I reconcile that with what has happened to me? Where do I stand now?
One thing that keeps going through my head is that what happened to Devin couldn’t have been prevented either way. Whether or not I was seen prenatally by a midwife in my own home or driving into a big bustling hospital with ultrasound machines, it didn’t make a whit of difference now did it. Between one visit and the next, boom, over. Nothing to be done.
On the other hand, now I’m exceedingly aware that things can go terribly wrong in an otherwise natural, picture-perfect process. I know that next time I will want extra monitoring, I will probably be a nervous wreck.
But does that mean I don’t trust in the natural process anymore? … I don’t think it does. While watching this movie I feel a sense of pride and peace when watching natural childbirth. I do believe in it. And I still don’t think doctors should be meddling when they shouldn’t and possibly making things worse. There has to be some kind of balance between a safety net and supporting things progressing naturally.
I think about the fact that my next birth will be in a hospital, I will more than likely not ever have a homebirth. Despite what I know and agree with regarding hospitals in general I don’t think that bothers me. When I think back to my labor experience I felt very supported. I had interventions due to needing to be induced because of Devin’s death, but I didn’t get any more interventions than I asked for or needed. And all the way through I got the feeling that if it were a normal birth and I had walked in wanting a medication-free birth I would have been supported.
They didn’t hook me up to the monitors right away, not until it had been a couple of hours and I had made some good progress. Then when they placed the monitor on me I sort of forgot it was there half the time. I didn’t even think to look at the screen. They would come in and check on the progress and I remember feeling surprized every time they commented on how I was contracting really well. I can see why natural childbirth books strongly recommend not staring at the contractions on the monitor. I was so focused inward that my perception of things was completely different. I’m really quite glad that I had that dissociation with what was “really” happening on the monitors. I connected with my body and listened to it, flowed with it. I was an active participant, not just an observer.
I really think my hospital is a good one. I’m sure there could be improvements, and it is still a hospital, but as far as hospitals go I feel very very good about it. I think one of the things I walked away from it all with was the belief that you really do need to have a care provider and birth setting that you can trust. I know some women feel like they can walk into a typical hospital and force things to go the way you want them to go – and you know, they probably can. But personally I would not want to spend my time arguing with people and watching everything they do like a hawk. I would not want to have to deal with nurses who don’t believe in what you’re doing. I don’t want to have to second-guess suggestions that my doctor makes. I trusted my midwife, so if she said I needed something then I knew it wasn’t just for protocol’s sake, as it wasn’t in their normal protocol. Of course I’m not going to just blindly go along with anything, either – and Den was looking out for my best interests as well – but I really think it helps overall to have a calm, peaceful environment, which involves having people around who are willing to support you in the way that you need them to.
I really really do look forward to my next labor experience. I have no doubt now that I can go medication-free. I’m really interested to see how a non-induced labor would go for me, if I get that chance. I wonder if the labor will be at all similar to my first one… will it, too, be short and fast? Relatively pain-free?
It occurred to me that my pregnancy will also likely be different from my first one. I wonder just how different it will be. Will I puke for half the pregnancy again? Will I be as pain-free and light on my feet again? I also really wonder what the last month will be like, since I never got to experience that. I wonder if I would have hit the “I’m done now” point and when it would have been. I wonder when I would have gone into labor.
So many things I wish could have happened. I hope I get a second chance.
Like you, there was nothing ultrasounds and monitoring could have done to prevent what happened to my son. However, I think forward to my next pregnancy and I know those things will give me comfort. Well, maybe. Heck, wait, what do I know?
I will say, I am glad to have given birth in a quiet (epidural though) way. I am thankful for that experience. If it never happens that quietly, or vaginally, again, that’s ok. I can and will hold onto William’s birth.
But really, I am just praying for a second chance at it all too. I wish it for all of us.
Hoping for that second chance for you, Nat. Your insight into the birthing process is amazing. I have no doubt that if you made it though an induced labour med-free, that you can do it again(without an induction). It is amazing what the body can handle.
Sending you love…
When the obstetrician that my midwife referred me to when I got pre-e met with me after Gabriel’s birth met with me, he was very emphatic that I would have had the same outcome in his practice as I had. He couldn’t have fixed me.
Mr. Spit and I have started talking about what to do in a next pregnancy, and we’ll continue to use our midwife, but will see doctors and peri’s too. Thankfully our OB is quite comfortable with midwifes.
Since midwifery fees are covered here in Alberta, you pay for them out of pocket. I wanted a home birth, but was oh so thankful that it was Cathy who caught Gabriel in the hospital. It allowed Mr. Spit and I to deliver with some real care and dignity.
I remind myself that I don’t have to have answers to all of this right now. Some of it can wait.
I hope you get that second chance too.
I am very comfortable in our hospital, and never felt pushed, except once, during Monkey’s birth, and I pushed back, and that was that. I actually said the other day that if I get to the L&D floor with a live baby inside, even I might relax. Because I trust them there, and feel good about how they treat me. I am glad you have a hospital like that too.
I stumbled upon your blog a few days ago and have been moved by your tragic circumstances and the poignant way you have recorded your journey. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Your words have particularly hit home with me b/c my brother and his wife also lost their firstborn to stillbirth after years of infertility (four years) last summer. I imagine them in your shoes not too long ago and I can hear and feel their pain and also their strength through your words. (Their daughter, Taara, was born still on her induction date at 41wks. She had been kicking the night before they went in for the induction but by the morning, she was gone. It was also a cord accident.)
In any event, I just wanted to pass on my condolences and to tell you, as you are already experiencing, time does heal these wounds. Of course you will never forget Devin but every day it will get a little better dealing with his passing.
Best of luck to you and thank you for sharing your experience with the world. I suspect there are others who have been through similar tragic circumstances who will be helped by your writing.
I hope that you get your second chance, too.
I defniitely see both point of views! Hospitals have all those restrictions and interventions because of lawsuits, so I can see why they try to meddle where they shouldn’t.
What it came down to for me was having a doctor who understand that I wanted as little meddling as possible during labor and delivery. I got to enjoy the entire thing and basically ignored the nurses because, well, they just had a job to do.
It’s so wonderful you can dream of this happening for you and I pray it does happen soon!
I too stumbled across your blog about two weeks ago. I have been through the loss of a baby (had twins via IVF and lost one)and it sucks. It was a little over a year and a half ago and some days it feels like yesterday. The pregnancy and birth were bittersweet once we learned we lost “Baby A” as I’ve nicknamed him. It was supposed to work out differently, I know but somehow it simply did not. I too longed for another baby not long after our one healthy son was born. We did IVF when he was 5 months old and two months ago gave birth to another boy. I cannot help but think of my “twins” when see both of my little boys together. My second son did not ease the pain of the first. But it gives me more reason to go on one more day. I still look at “Baby A’s” ultrasounds and say to myself “…he only lived xx more days after this ultrasound was taken…why didn’t I know something was wrong…” I never got an answer. He was and then one day he just wasn’t. That’s it.
Totally agree with your thoughts, as usual Natalie… and yes hoping and believing that you will get that chance again. I would LOVE to have had a waterbirth at home with a midwife. But, now looking at my little one in the NICU for days after developing his lungs, well you just never know what hand you are going to be dealt… and though the hospital had restrictions that probably DID move me to asking for an epidural at 7-8 cm (NO FOOD or DRINK while in the L&D (22 hours))… I was glad to see the glider in there… the yoga ball… the other things that helped labor move along… and a nurse that worked with me as though we were at home…
And sitting here… I think that there are so many techniques and avoiding looking at the monitor would have been better. I was not focusing correctly.
I wonder if a tiny bit of pitocin could have moved me through faster? Would I have had the energy to go all the way? Either way, avoiding a c-section is always better…. :)
What middle name have you picked out with the next one? :)
i hope you do too!!!
A book that really helped me in thinking through all these things after my son’s stillbirth was _Pregnancy After a Loss_ by Carol Cirulli Lanham. Eventhough I was miles from being pregnant again, this book helped in ways that the other grief and mourning books didn’t. I didn’t want or need anyone holding my hand through the emotions. What happened sucked and it floored me and I’ll never be the same again. What I needed instead was facts and information and good clear science to help me think about what to do next.
When I finally did get my live birth experience, I put everything in the hands of my caregiver. I didn’t want to take any chances with my own naive ideas of what birth should be like; all I wanted was to take home a live baby. And I did! My only regret is that I got the epidural too early and that I didn’t insist on one that would have allowed me to move and try different positions for pushing. The take home for me from The Business of Being Born was that even as hospitals are introducing birthing balls and whirlpool baths into delivery rooms, their use isn’t really encouraged. I find that to be true in my experience and these are things I would fight for if/when I get another chance.
You are such a wonderful person inside and out! I know you will get your second chance and it will be beautiful!