** Title of post from a magnet I bought today: has a beaver and says “dam it.” Tee hee.

I have had a very shakey day today, emotionally. I’ve been very introspective, a lot of things are weighing on my mind, thinking about babies and Devin a lot. So I’m off-balance and little things that happen feel like big things. I’ve cried multiple times this evening, just falling apart pieces at a time. My mom is still here visiting and I still feel like I need to monitor my emotions when around her. I know she would tell me not to, but it’s hard to let down that guard. So I wait until I’m alone with Den, even just in the next room, and then I break down. Finally coming to bed, alone in the room, and allowing myself to completely fall apart and cry into my pillow was such a release. I can’t keep it bottled up inside me. I can’t keep avoiding the tears.

I felt my OCPD being more of a problem today. My depression still is not an issue, unless you count the grief that comes and goes – but personally I think that’s normal at this stage. The OCPD is one of those funny things though, so subtle sometimes even I don’t notice what’s going on. Today we drove up to Vermont just to do some sight-seeing. We hadn’t made any solid plans for it, but I kind of in my head assumed Den would come with us. Well yesterday he told me he had baseball practice and couldn’t come. And I was upset about that all day. Not upset like at him…. but it really raised my anxiety level about driving to Vermont. It’s really hard to explain. I wasn’t nervous about going by myself, and I’m fine with spending time with my mom, but I had expected him to go with us, in my head that was the way it was “supposed” to be and if he couldn’t come in then the trip would simply not be enjoyable. I really struggled with that thought all morning, as twisted as it is. I had to keep reminding myself that his presence was not a requirement. That’s what my OCPD is: I feel like things have to happen a certain way, how I picture it will, or I get really upset that it won’t be worth it. Normally I have it under control and I don’t struggle with those thoughts anymore, but today was just one of those days.