Scattered
I find myself holding myself a couple steps back. Things come and go in life – I read things, see things, think about things – and I hold in a breath and kind of float above it. I can feel the grief clenching in my chest but I turn away. Not right now – later. I can’t handle feeling like that all the time. I can’t handle thinking about it all the time.
So I float.
::
All I can think about is being pregnant again. That will make it better. Not “all” better – it will never be “all better.” But it will make life livable again.
There’s a part of me that is trying to stay realistic and remind myself that it could take a lot to get pregnant again, could take IVF and lots of patience and time. But I don’t want to think about that. The larger part of me keeps thinking, It has to work. It has to. It will happen soon, soon. Just a little longer. I can’t bear to think otherwise.
I think about it all the time, hoping, wishing. I think about all the people who are praying for us, who are thinking about us and hoping for us. But then I think how we all wanted Devin so very very much. A lot of good that did. No, losing Devin has certainly not made it any easier to have hope in anything.
Well, I do have hope. And it scares the shit out of me.
::
Today I went shopping with my mom for new clothes. My wardrobe is/was in some serious need. I had spent last year’s clothes “budget” on maternity clothes, which was great. But then I got un-pregnant and realized my normal clothes, they kind of suck. Some are old, some scream “young kid” which I certainly do not feel anymore, and some simply don’t fit my post-pregnancy body very flatteringly. So we went shopping.
I’m trying to stick to shirts that float away from the body in a flattering, non-mumu type of way. My usual fare of close-fitting shirts only emphasise the overhanging flap of belly and makes me want to scream. I found a couple. Far more I had to put back because of the wanting-to-scream thing. A few times I was tempted to buy something because it was really my typical style and “would fit me once I got rid of the belly.” But then I figured that buying clothes for the future – especially ones that were currently quite unflattering – would not exactly be the best idea. I don’t need a closet full of clothes that I can wear “later.”
::
I got my haircut today. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing, we were shopping at a strip mall and there was a SuperCuts there. I decided to go get it done, as my hair hadn’t seen scissors since December and was sorely overdue for a snip. I had intended to get my hair cut shorter before the baby arrived. Yet another thing that I never got around to doing.
So of course there was chit chat. How long I’ve lived here, where I moved from, how I met my husband. The typical fare. I wondered if she’d ask about children. I tensed up about it. But the question never came, so I relaxed.
Five minutes later: “Have any children?”
“No,” I respond, knee-jerk reaction. Short pause. “Well… Had one.”
Silence but for the snipping of the scissors. No reaction at all. Not even sure if she heard my amendment. “So you’re out shopping with your mom?”
I don’t even know if I was relieved or disappointed. But at least I wasn’t in tears. I’m going to have to work on a reply for next time… I’m so used to saying no.
::
I just want to know that everything is going to work out in the end. I want to know that our family tree will have names beside Devin. It wouldn’t be so hard waiting if you knew when to expect it, or at least knew that at some point things would happen. But there are no guarantees. Sex doesn’t always mean pregnancy, pregnancy doesn’t always mean a baby, and all the positive thinking in the world doesn’t guarantee a happy ending. And that just fucking sucks.
I would feel the same way as you do. Completely.
Glad you got some news clothes, and thrilled that you have some hope. Hope is so important.
Thrilled that you feel better about yourself.
I have the following responses. Depending on the circumstances.
1. Our son died unexpectedly in December. We miss him. (this one has the virtue of not inviting further questions).
2. One son was born 15 weeks premature when I developed pre-eclampsia, and passed away shortly after his birth. (I use this one when I don’t mind explaining a bit more)
3. No. (When it’s a grocery store clerk, etc.)
I realized that Gabriel is very precious to me, and I don’t want to share his memory with absolutely everyone.
Thinking of you . .
“Sex doesn’t always mean pregnancy, pregnancy doesn’t always mean a baby, and all the positive thinking in the world doesn’t guarantee a happy ending. And that just fucking sucks.”
Boy, ain’t that the truth. FWIW, a year+ later and I *still* don’t know how to answer the “how many kids” question. It’s really loaded. Oh, and praise be to god, the longer, looser tunic-type T shirt is IN. I have loads of them, and they hide a lot. Plus look cute. Check it out.
I have a good feeling for you. I can’t explain it or even figure out what it is for, just a good feeling. :)
The questions at the haircut, I’m sure, were difficult. I have always had difficulty with those questions. I guess they are good questions people like to be asked if everything has been picture-perfect in their lives (they met and married the love of their life right when they were ready and not too late for ttc, they got pregnant within months of ttc, they don’t have any worries about conceiving or about their marriage, etc.). I also dislike questions about career since a career often doesn’t really define a person, but people love to define based on career anyway.
Personally, I really prefer to ask and be asked the different questions like “what are your hobbies?” “what do you really like to do in your spare time?” “do you like to read?” “where is your favorite place to visit?” Dh and some of my friend think it’s strange how I can get to know a person on a deeper level than they can, but I can go weeks without knowing what a person does for a living.
You are right, there are no guarantees but I am glad that you still have hope. Hold on to it and better days will come.
Hugs
Thinking of you each day and I’m totally inspired by how brave you are. Truly.
Getting pregnant after my miscarriage (totally diff. from your experience, but still a loss) I was DRIVEN to get pregnant again. I did get pregnant and that pregnancy was very hard for me, emotionally. I felt like I couldn’t bond with my baby for fear that she’d die and then I’d be hurt all over again. It wasn’t until her birth that I connected with her on such a deep level.
I think that your thinking of pregnancy again is great and I truly hope it doesn’t take long or any intervention.
If someone asks you if you have children, just say “Yes, his name was Devin.” If you emphasis “was” they’ll either ask and want to hear about him, or they’ll move on to another subject if it’s awkward for them. Funny how it would be more awkward for THEM, but it is.
I’m glad you were able to get out and shop, get a haircut, do some things for yourself. I can relate to every word you wrote in this post – I almost feel like your post is a more succinct, well written summary of my haphazard posts over the last few weeks.
Thinking of you and Devin.
This sucks beyond measure. As does the chickenshit nonreaction from random people who ask personal questions but are only programmed for nice happy responses.