Cherry Trees
Yesterday – Saturday – I went out shopping with pregnant SIL. You might think I’m crazy for doing that. And yes… it can put a lump in my throat when I see her with her getting-larger belly. But I look past that and I’m pretty okay with it. I think it’s one of those things where the anticipation and thinking-about-it feels a whole lot worse than if I just face it head-on, take a breath, and get on with it. Most of all I think I’m okay with it because SIL understands where we’re at. She’s understanding and compassionate, and yet she doesn’t get all awkward about Devin. When I talk about my pregnancy with him I feel connected to him.
We went to Costco and I felt fine. Even when I saw people with young kids or even baby carriers I had that lump in my throat but I turned my head and kept walking. The only problem I hit was the baby clothes section. I always used to stop there to see if there was anything cute worth buying for Devin and Daniel, and for some reason I felt the urge to walk over there, the idea of it didn’t bother me. Looking at the little girls dresses was totally fine, I was thinking about SIL’s baby and how cute she’d look in them, and even wondering if our next child will be a girl. But when I looked at the baby boys’ clothing… they had the cutest little clothes with turtles on them, and for a tiny tiny split second I got excited and wanted to buy them, they were so cute, so perfect for Devin…. and then it all hit me and I choked up and almost started crying. I had to rush out of there and take some deep breaths. (Just writing about it I’m starting to cry.) I swear the only thing keeping me together is the knowledge that someday we will have a baby to wear those cute clothes we have sitting in a bin in our basement.
We also visited SIL’s parents, who have a new puppy. And puppies? They make everything okay. Gosh I love puppies! (But oh do they ever have sharp little teeth!)
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Today Den and I went and looked at trees to plant for Devin. We had decided on getting a flowering cherry tree of some kind, but we didn’t know what type to get. The lawn & garden place had weeping cherry trees and kwanzan cherry trees, both of which are non-fruit-bearing and quite pretty when they bloom. But Den really wanted a fruit-bearing cherry tree, of which they had several varieties. It was a pain in the ass, because the fruit trees had only pictures of the fruit, none of what the tree will look like when in bloom. How annoying. We ended up with a Danube. It’s actually a tart cherry, which I wasn’t aware of until we got it home, but I like it because the color of the actual tree is reddish and very nice… our other option had a yellowish tree bark and just wasn’t as pretty. And they all bloom so… oh well.
We are planning a…. well, we’re not really sure what to call it… for next Sunday. It’ll be a memorial for Devin. We are inviting over Den’s extensive list of immediate family members, and my mom will be here as well. We are going to plant the tree, maybe say a few words, and have some food. I’m going to have Devin’s framed hand/footprints out, his certificate of life, and hopefully his photo nicely printed and framed. The reason we’re not sure what to call it, though, is that it’s not like it’s going to be a formal memorial service. We’re not going to all stand around in black, weeping. It’s not going to be a joyous occassion, either, obviously. But I see it as an occassion to remember, to say goodbye… and, yes, to celebrate the beautiful little baby that he was.
The reason we chose next weekend to do this was because it will be the one-month mark since his birth, as well as being my due date. Honestly though, when I think about my upcoming due date I don’t feel the overwhelming grief and panic that I’ve seen many others mention. I don’t really know how I’ll feel on that day, but right now I’m actually looking forward to the memorial tree planting and being around family. I’m also looking forward to putting my due date behind me, because having babies be born right around this time is emotionally hard on me… all the people I went through pregnancy with, they are having their babies and I just kind of need to squint and look the other way and wait for it all to pass. There is only one group of pregnant ladies that I am still actively following along with, since I feel closer to them than anyone, more invested. The rest I have had to unsubscribe from for the moment – forums and blogs.
I will be sure to get photos of everything. I plan to take photos of the tree every year when it blooms… it brings a smile to my face to know that Devin’s scrapbook will never be finished, there will be something to add to it.
A girl on one of my forums who lost twins is currently pregnant with another child. She wrote today about the new baby’s nursery and their plans for it. One of the things she said was that among the mural that is getting painting they are adding in something to symbolize the twins they lost and how they are looking down on the new baby. That really touched me, it feels so right. We will most definitely have to do that in our baby’s room.
your tree sounds perfectly beautiful — a lovely way to honor and remember. ~luna
That’s lovely what you plan to do. I would call it a memorial service, though. It’s what it seems like it’s going to be. A memorial service can be anything you want it to be. It doesn’t have to be sad and weepy, nor does it have to be joyous. It’s how you want it to be. Just remember that memorial is derived from memoriam (I’m not good in Latin, so someone can correct me here) meaning memory. You are planting this tree in Devin’s memory.
Keeping you all in my prayers *hugs*
I think some sort of ritual is a great idea, & your plans sound wonderful. I would love to see a photo of the tree in bloom!
(we have a fruit-bearing cherry; you can’t eat the cherries, they leave a wicked mess in the yard between the fruit and the animal poop. DO NOT park a bench or hammock underneath during fruit season! Just my .02. Not sure where you are, but have you considered plum or pear? Plum I really love because it blooms pink but the leaves remain this beautiful deep red until they fall. And we keep changing our minds, and people keep buying us stuff, so seriously, we have about three Maddy trees, from Lilac to Sunset Maple.)
Sorry about the shopping trip; you were extremely brave to go in the first place.
I would call it a celebration of Devin. Because you are celebrating your child. The tree is an excellent idea — a tree of hope, of new beginnings.
When my mom died, we called her funeral a “Celebration of Life” ceremony instead of funeral. It was a celebration of the life she had lived and I think that would be a beautiful thing to call it for Devin as well. You are celebrating the little life you had known!!! Can’t wait to see pictures!
I love the thought of adding the picture of the tree to Devin’s scrapbook every year. That is absolutely wonderful.
We will all be with you in thoughts and spirit next Sunday for the tree planting! :hugs:
I think it is very fitting to have the gathering on your due date. I think you will find it very cathartic. The tree sounds perfect. I will be thinking of you on that day and on many others.
I’ve been reading your blog for some time now, and I just wanted to tell you that the cherry tree and the family gathering is an absolutely beautiful idea. My heart aches for you and what you’ve been through, but you have love and support on your side!
I’ll be thinking of you :)
What a wonderful idea, both the gathering and the tree pictures in the scrapbook.
I’m not sure if both of you were aware, but in Japan, the cherry tree blossom is more or less a natural treasure. They are called Sakura, and I think Sakura is also the name of the cherry blossom festival, during which the Japanese gather in parks and watch the amazing moment the trees come in bloom.
Sakura stand for the transcience of life, because they are so beautiful, and also so fragile. They appear suddenly and, unfortunately, also wither suddenly.
I think you couldn’t have made a choice more fitting. Thinking of you, and will on sunday, especially.
I think that the idea of a cherry tree is a wonderful idea. You are such a brave person.
*hugs*
The comment Lyanna left is amazing. I just cannot believe how perfect the cherry tree turned out to be for Devin!
Both me and my mom have membership to Costco. A little before A died, they had these cute little boy outfits with pants, shirt, tie, and vest. My mom asked whether she can get one, and I said not yet. After A died, those little outfits were so damn hard to look at.
I think it’s great that you are having the tree planting on your due date. It’s a good thing to look forward to, and a fitting thing to do. We haven’t planted anything yet. We keep trying to make up our mind about where in the yard to put the tree and we keep being afraid of what would happen if we do move.
I hope the day is gentle on you.
I have to say that I am *really* impressed with your ability to follow along with Heather and Nat and Amy’s pregnancies. You might just be one of the strongest people I know.