It gives me a sense of relief
I am feeling a lot more calm about things today. Yesterday really knocked me for a loop. I didn’t fall apart or anything, I only cried a little, but my head was just spinning. Today I have a little bit more of a grip on things.
I am still struggling to understand how in the hell we could be that 1 in 50,000 or whatever the number may be (different articles give different rates for amniotic bands so it’s hard to get a solid number). That’s the part that has me most stunned right now. I had a strong feeling it was going to come down to a cord accident, but I expected a run-of-the-mill cord accident: nuchal cord, or just that it got trapped. Horrible things to think about, but from my reading it does happen with alarming frequency. When a baby is stillborn a lot of the time it comes down to one of those things. So it really threw me for a loop to be told that it was indeed a form of cord accident, but it was this really freakishly rare thing that they rarely ever see.
It just feels like I fell into a new alternate reality again. We are not unusual people. I always liked to think I was “different” and to stand out in some way, but we live normal lives under the radar, we are “different” and yet unremarkable. We struggled with infertility, but so does over 10% of the population. I found comfort in finding so many infertiles online. I found comfort in talking to others who have suffered stillbirths. And now I feel like I stand alone, stand apart. And I know it doesn’t mean anything in the end, it doesn’t change anything, but it feels so strange to be so incredibly unique.
And I keep asking, why us? I don’t expect an answer. I don’t believe in any grand plan, I don’t believe we were “selected.” But the question hangs in the air anyway. Why? How? There were 49,999 chances Devin would be fine. How the hell did we land on that one black square in the overwhelming sea of white? And, moreover, why us after all we struggled through? That keeps running through my head… the thought that we paid our dues, we struggled through adversity to get pregnant. Stillbirth after infertility feels like the cruelest joke fate could have played on anyone. At least for most people after a stillbirth their only question is when do we feel ready to get pregnant again? For us that question is not nearly as important as when we will be able to… and what we are going to have to do to achieve it.
But at the same time I feel tremendously relieved. I swear, when I thought it was a “normal” cord accident the thought of going to sleep each night while pregnant was terrifying – and I’m not pregnant yet, so I’m sure the fear would be ten times stronger once I was. I realized today that a lot of my anxiety about my next pregnancy has been lifted. Knowing that this was such a rare, freaky thing… well it helps reassure me that next time will be okay. There’s really no sense worrying in something that is such a completely freak accident…. it’s like worrying that my husband will get struck by lightning while walking the dogs. I’ll still worry…. still be anxious as all hell… but some things are just beyond predicting in any rational sense. And I hope that in my next pregnancy I can still find some part of the joy and contentment that I had with Devin. I do not want to live 9 months in utter fear.
Of course the more pressing issue is still getting pregnant.
Every day I send out a “prayer” to the world, pleading to please please let me get pregnant. I still don’t believe in any form of god so I really have no idea what I’m “praying” to. It’s kind of like writing here in my blog… I just put it out there. I’ve never even been a believer in the whole “positive energy” thing, but I feel the need to do it anyways.
Please, please, please let me get pregnant soon. I NEED that. And damnit, after all I’ve been through, I deserve that much.
Keep putting that out into the universe. It cannot hurt.
true, you really deserve it. I hope it will happen soon
I have responded to some of your blogs, and felt the need to respond to this one as well. I too have been one of the people that something happens too even thought the odds where in my favor. I was one in 100,000 to have my first baby with potters syndrome. It was our first baby as well and we went in for an ultrasound around 20 weeks only to find our baby had no kidneys or bladder. We were crushed. I too asked why…and how this can happen to me and my husband…and everything else you are asking yourself right now. I found comfort in my faith…I know you say that you do not believe in a “god” and are not religious people, but I think if you tried to be, you would find the comfort that you needed. I am not trying to push my thoughts on you, just letting you know what helped me through it. I dont see how anyone could do it without Him. Anyway, we decided to terminate the pregnancy because he was incompatible with life…i might have made it to term, but I would have delivered a dead baby and I dont think I could have handled that as well. I remember seeing my babies heartbeating on the monitor before I fell asleep on the OR table. To this day, it still haunts me knowing that I was “ONE” of the people that doctors dont see much of. Long story short, it does and will get better, but it will never go away, and I dont think that you want it to go away. If you want to email me you can, I would love to talk to you. wifey2804@yahoo.com
Amber
Thinking of you at this very difficult time.
I too throw out my hopes and wishes into the universe sometimes, when something is really important to me. I don’t know that it has any impact on the outcome, but it does have an impact on me. I hope the experience of raising a child comes to you sooner rather than later.
I’m just starting my own journey, and I have no idea if it will be the easiest thing in the world or the most difficult. I am sorry, that for you it has been more of the latter.
I’m glad you’re feeling better today! I’m not so sure about the whole “universe” thing. I’d like to think that God is watching over me, helping me through my hardships, as we live in an imperfect world where really bad things happen… rather than randomly throwing something out there on deaf ears where it’ll just float on it’s own existence.
You keep your chin up and your heart open, sweetie. There is a peace out there that is beyond any human understanding. I believe you’ll find it one day and I DO believe you’ll have a child who is alive and healthy. I put that belief in Jesus and I hope you don’t mind that I do that on your behalf.
Welcome to the world of the statistically obscure. It totally sucks to be here where lightning strikes twice while the plane is falling and you’re on the phone confirming that you’ve won powerball. When we thought Maddy’s problems were something else, we were told if this was in fact it she’d be one of 5 kids IN THE WORLD to have the problem, and the other four sets of parents were related. Niiiiiiice. That wasn’t it, nuts, but here we are, still faced with the problem so rare no one has ever seen it before. There’s not even a name or a cause or a website or benefit dinner. It just sucks.
Go play the lottery. Odds have to turn sometime.
I’m not sure if I should say this but gah. Amber, I know you mean well – but converting to a faith is not the solution for everyone. And I don’t think this is the time or the place to bring it up.
I’m glad you are feeling better hon – and you certainly deserve everything you hope for.
Oh, you most certainly do deserve it. Absolutely.
I am still thinking of you, Den, and sweet Devin.
There are many good thoughts going out on your behalf!! I really believe that the tide will turn and you and Den will receive the joy that you so deserve. You are very loved and cared for, and so many thoughts/prayers go out every day to join your own.
So many horrible questions and so many conflicting emotions. In THAT, you are definitely normal… hugs for you.
What Amanda said. And huge, huge hugs.
Hey girl! Keep those prayers coming. I absolutely believe He is listening. I went to a Christian women’s conference this past weekend and prayed for you and your family. Healing is here and more is on the way. I know you will get pregnant again and you will have a baby. You will be a mother. Those are my prayers for you. My pastor spoke about Hope today. I wish you could have heard the sermon. It fits so perfectly. It was so clear. I have hope for you. The road to hope is faith and I am traveling that road for you. I will carry you if I have to, but I am getting on that road! That is what Christians do for their friends (I consider you my internet friend!) :-)
I believe and it looks like you do too! That’s a wonderful start!
Amber, I agree with Lyanna. You cannot push your beliefs onto others. I know you mean well, but please allow Natalie to throw her prayers out to some entity she may believe in. Some pray to God, others to Allah, others to Yahweh, others to Buddha, others to whatever god they pray to. Natalie, if you want to, send it out to the universe or to “light” (which I’ve read in your blog a few times). I’m certain you’ll find some form of comfort and your prayers will be answered.
Keeping you in my prayers *hugs*
Our problem was less rare, but still nothing doctors have ever seen themselves (A had two knots on his cord, and they said that some have seen one but nobody at the hospital has seen two before). In two and a half weeks we go for the anatomical scan, and they will also start to look at the cord at that time. To see whether they can find any knots. Which are notoriously hard to identify on an ultrasound. But we want to know, and so they will look. It isn’t keeping me up at night yet, but it might start to soon. We have a dopler which is helping with the anxiety. But I am still finding it hard to contemplate any length of time in front of me. Just rolling along and trying to stay peaceful. I have no idea whether this helps. I hope so.
Emerald Rose, thank you!!
:D