Unexpected Answer
…….. I just got a call from Dr. M….. the head honcho doc who was asked to review our findings and go over stuff with us. He got the pathology results back. So. We have our answer.
It seems there was a band of amniotic sac tissue wrapped around the cord….. like a little piece of tissue tore off from the inner sac and got wrapped around the cord like a piece of string. It cut off his blood flow, his oxygen. He strangled.
I had this strong feeling it was a cord accident…. though I thought it would be that it was wrapped around his neck (and it was – but it was loose… turns out that’s not what killed him).
He said this particular type of thing happens very very rarely. He said they see about 3,000-4,000 neonatal deaths a year…. and this particular issue comes up once every few years. So 1 in 10,000 to 1 in 20,000? Something like that? My baby died in a fucking freak accident that is totally against the odds. I am struggling to deal with that fact. Not only was it a cord accident it was a totally FREAK RANDOM ACCIDENT.
The good news is that it is totally non-reoccurring. He repeated that several times. Non-reoccurring. Will not be an issue next time. Of course now I’m very well acquainted with being on the wrong end of totally improbable odds so I’m never going to feel safe again…. light knows what can go wrong. But this particular thing, is not something you are “prone” to, not something that I’m at a higher risk for. Just fucking lighting out of the sky.
He also said that it’s not something I or they could have prevented… not something you can watch for. Reaffirms my belief that the Midwives did everything right.
That isn’t to say I couldn’t have saved him, though… not in my mind. If I had noticed he was struggling? I get the feeling it wasn’t just a sudden thing… it slowly got tighter. What if I had gone in when I noticed his movement changed? Could they have gotten him out in time? I’ll have to live with that the rest of my life.
*hugs*
Oh Natalie *hugs*
I’m relieved to hear that it’s something that’s non-reoccurring. *hugs*
Shitty. :(
Sorry that the guilt nags on. :(
I am sorry… The freak accident thing. Ours was too. For us they could tell that the death came very fast– there are ways to see that with the autopsy. I am not sure whether you actually want to know and whether they are looking for that particular answer for you. But for me, knowing that was the thing that made it very clear that no guilt was warranted.
Guilt is also the thing I have most trouble watching other bereaved parents deal with. I wish I could help each and every one let go of it. I really do. This thing is hard enough without it. I so wish you could find a way to let it go.
Hugs. There is nothing you could have done. You have to believe that. I can’t imagine how you feel, and I’m not going to pretend to, but you NEED to know that there is no way you could have known. BIG HUG!
i’m thinking of you and hoping for you.
im so glad you got an answer. dont know what else to say really but i just bet having an answer helps resolve some of the what ifs and worry and guilt.
yet im soo sooo sorry all over again that you had to be the one to deal with just a random thing.
love and good thoughts
Guilt sucks… how could you have known?
I’m so sorry the news from the doctor was unexpected, but I hope you’re also hopeful that this won’t happen in the future!
I’m so sorry the guilt is still there after getting an answer. You and your caregivers did everything right. I know that doesn’t really make you feel safe, though. :(
Just wanted to let you know that I don’t comment often because I don’t feel like I have much to add, but know that I’m reading along and thinking about you and Devin.
D
so sorry natalie. somehow having an answer doesn’t seem to make it any easier. thinking of you. ~luna
Oh no :( I’m so sorry *hugs*
Oh Natalie, I am just so sorry for everything. ((hugs))
So sorry. Being told it’s a freak accident isn’t always comforting. I was told that as well, but I have the same feelings that you do, shouldn’t I have known something was wrong? Why didn’t I go in when I felt an abnormal amount of movement? Hugs.
Natalie:
Just my 0.02. My BPs had been high a few times. High enough that my midwife had me monitoring my bp at home. At the November appointment, I thought the dip stick looked a bit funny, but I couldn’t quite rememeber which way to flip it, and then I fliped it and it looked like both sugar and protein were trace.
A week before I was diagnosed, my mom had a heart attack. I checked my bp during that week, and it was pretty high. I checked my protein and sugar in the hospital bathroom and it was +1. I was busy though, my mom was in Cardiac ICU. I just didn’t think it was that serious.
At 2 am, my brain can do all sorts of things. In the end, all I can say is that I would never have knowingly caused Gabe harm. I would have done anything in my power to save him. I did the best I could. Next time, it will hopefully different.
I hope that brings you some comfort.
As cruel and random as the incident has to see, at least it isn’t a recurring problem. It still must seem like small consolation. Thinking of you, Natalie.