Friendship and sisterhood
Something I never got around to mentioning here in my blog was that my best friend Kel had her baby boy, Daniel. Kel and I were due a day apart and she was not yet full term. She ended up with an emergency c-section due to a leak in her waters and the baby being breech, Daniel ended up in the NICU and has a pretty severe infection. It’s been a stressful time for her – and stressful for me too, since she is practically a sister to me and I just can’t handle more bad news in my life.
And it’s weird, because I would expect to really struggle with this. We were due so close together, our boys were going to be practically cousins. We don’t live close together, but it doesn’t matter to our relationship. It was so wonderful to share pregnancy together, to be looking forward to meeting our boys. We both expected to go a week or two overdue…. we were so sure. So now, with Devin gone… one of my big fears is that I would have to distance myself from her, from her new baby, to maintain my own sanity. Not that she would ever have a problem with that – I know the last thing she wants is to upset me in any way and if I had to avoid her blog, her pictures, her son, she’d understand. But I don’t want to have to avoid anything. I’ve lost enough already – the last thing I want is to lose my connection with my nephews too.
So far I have been okay. Kel and I observed that maybe it’s because Daniel isn’t a full-term healthy baby… he’s in the NICU… and it sounds totally aweful, but maybe that makes it “easier” for me to deal with. He looks a lot like Eric, Kel’s older son… which is good for me too, because he’s very different from Devin.
I am just so thankful that I have Kel in my life and that we are able to stay close and support each other. It’s such a relief to have one person you can say anything to and not worry about it.
Kel sounds like a great friend. Be gentle on yourself in this. Avoidance isn’t permanent and you can give snippets of your time and energy so they aren’t completely out of your life. When you are ready to be more fully present with your nephews, they will still be there and love you. Just don’t beat yourself up right now.
You know, I expected to have a hard time with my friend giving birth to her son, who was supposed to be A’s best friend. But then there were complications, and the birth was touch and go, but they both made it. I truly think that it was that traumatic part that made it easier for me to handle it. Not that I ever wanted anything bad to happen to them, but that because there was a complication, for a second there I could imagine it all going to shit for them too, and that kicked in a desperate desire, from the gut, for everything to be ok for them.
But yes, be gentle with yourself. I am mostly good hanging out with my friend and her baby these days. But there are moments when it hits me very hard that A should be here, and they should be playing together. It’s ok to have these moments, and it’s ok to give yourself a break when they come.
You are a good friend. You and Kel are lucky to have each other.
You are so lucky to have someone like Kel!! xoxo
It is wonderful to have a friend who you feel would understand if you felt you need to distance yourself. I think that in and of itself is what defines a good friend – unconditional support.
my thoughts are with you both
Hi Nat…. I too am glad that you and Kel have each other. I always wanted a sister or a brother for Kel,but that never happened, so in this big giant world of ours , I am so glad that you two found each other. I hope that someday that you and I can meet.I know that you are a very important part of Kel’s life, she loves and respects you so much. She is my miracle, and I am still in awe even 25 years later.You will get another chance at your miracle, I believe it in my heart. And thanks for being there for Kelly. Take care , Kel’s mom
My SIL and I were due at the same time. I lost mine, she had hers. I was terrified that I’d break down when I went to visit at the hospital… but I didn’t. I held my nephew and was happy for her. And later I thought of my loss and what it all meant. It was healthy for me to hit that milestone.
Do things when you’re ready! And she’s a great friend to understand when you need space…