Obsession-Distraction
My husband is far more of a gamer than I am. I have too short an attention span and get bored easily… so I tend to try everything and accomplish very little. I get bored randomly and just can’t be bothered with sitting there very long. But a hobby was needed, so I reactivated World of Warcraft to putz around. I think it’s one of the only times I may be very happy to be addicted to a game. It doesn’t involve babies at all. It is something to immerse myself in, to be mindless and obsessed with, that is completely and utterly separate from my state of pregnancy (or un-pregnancy), infertility, or parenthood. And I am thankful.
Of course getting invoved in things like this do lead to the inevitable “waking up” moment when I suddenly my brain looks around and remembers everything that’s happened this past year. As if I had forgotten for all of 5 minutes. But at least those rememberances don’t hit me like a ton of bricks… just a sinking of my spirits, like a huge weight is being re-applied.
I can’t emotionally afford to think about Devin all the time… thinking about him is so overwhelming. Not just that the feelings are so strong, but there’s so many of them I don’t even know what I think. There are regrets and fears and hopes and anger and hopelessness… and that’s just in the first three seconds. It’s exhausting. If I could just feel one thing at a time it would be much easier to handle.
I would write more tonight, but I spent too much time in the game and now I’m just too tired to write.
WoW was (is) a great mental break for me. I check in to check out, as they say, because thinking about it 24/7 drains my strength. I do notice I get peeved about small stuff in game pretty easily though (mostly during raids). It is what it is.
I played poker online a good deal for a while. I am too busy these days for it, but I do miss it. I have been thinking of setting aside some time for that in my week.
Distractions are good to have.
Distraction and escapism always help.
I played Civilization – Beyond the Sword. And I knit, compulsively. Everywhere. Couldn’t let my hands be still.
Right after Gabe was born, I started knitting my midwife her shawl. I’d actually bought the wool and the pattern the day I was diagnosed. I felt like I couldn’t grieve until I finished it. I knit compulsively. It was complicated and large, and all I could do was sit in the kitchen and knit it.
I think I was wee bit crazy . . .