Easter
I am gad Easter isn’t a big deal to us, seeing how it was the first holiday to get through since losing Devin. We had lunch at his mom’s house with family, and all in all it was fine. Low-key. Not too stressful.
People ask how I’m doing. I usually respond with, “It comes and goes.” Because that’s the honest truth… it seems like the best way to answer. I’m not just “okay.” I’m not “good.” I’m also not curled up in the corner 24/7. I’m functioning – we both are. But the grief, it comes and goes all the time.
Pregnant SIL was there. I enjoyed chatting with her, as usual, but it still brings up memories of course. I tried not to stare at her belly – I miss mine so much. I’m fine chatting with her now… where she’s at now in pregnancy I have been, so I still feel a sense of connection. When she gets close to her due date and, worse, has the baby? I just don’t know. I don’t know how I’ll be able to handle that. I can barely think about it, to be honest… it just makes me hurt for what I don’t have.
The rest of the day has been pretty melancholy. Too much time to sit and let the sorrows swirl around in my head… the what-ifs that will kill you if you let them. I feel a tightness in my chest. Not overwhelming, but enough that I find it harder to breathe. The kind of pressure that is just there, all around, no matter what I’m doing. I watch a movie and feel the tears press at the back of my eyes. I know the tears have nothing to do with the scene I’m watching…. it’s just a trigger to release what’s been lurking all day.
I sit and think about all the holidays to come…. from now until I die I will always think of Devin and wish he were there. I think a lot about Christmas and how the hell I’m going to get through it. Last Christmas was so exciting because we kept talking about next Christmas and how great it was going to be with Devin. I really don’t know how I’m going to handle it. To be honest, I think about just going to my parents for Christmas, instead of dealing with Christmas here with SIL’s baby. Devin’s cousin. At least at my parents’ there are no babies. But I guess this is a decision we can make later. I realize it’s still all so fresh – but honestly I don’t see the first Christmas getting any easier. I just don’t see me getting through it without an aweful lot of tears. I wish on every star in the damn sky that I get pregnant before then to at least soften the blow.
It’s just not an upbeat kind of day.
I “get” so much of what you’re saying. My last pregnancy only made it to 10 weeks but I still can’t say I’m “fine” without feeling like a liar. And yet I understand the in-between part too. Not catatonic but not okay, either. Getting by, getting through it.
What I mostly relate to is wanting to be pregnant again before certain dates. But then I’ve been playing that game for years. Last year I got my BFP the day after Christmas. This year, that date already looms so large, 9 months away. And of course. It’s 9 months. More ways to play head games.
You’re in my thoughts often and I wish you peace.
Yes, it comes and goes – that is the best way to describe it. Sometimes I found the anticipation of certain dates (ie: Christmas) oftentimes worse than the actual event itself. Devin is always going to be there in your heart and mind.
I wish you much peace and comfort for this year and all of its significant days for you.
Yeah, it does come and go. I hate that question “how are you?” I really don’t think anyone has the time to sit down and listen to how I really feel, because it could take hours and a lot of tissues. I think the first of anything without your baby is extremely difficult. Maybe you should go to your parents or do something different than normal. Because there is no normal anymore.
I honestly can’t even *imagine* going to Christmas with your SIL and her new baby! That would be sooooo tough! You have lots of time to decide but know that if you decide not to, you’ll have lots of people supporting your decision in the blogosphere!
My line is, “I’m hanging in there.” or “Every day is different.” Or “Up and Down.”
My water broke on Christmas, so I now what you mean about living every holiday for the rest of your life thinking about what/who you’re missing. Seeing all the children who are there, those who are not.
There will be many days that are not upbeat — that’s okay. It sucks, but that’s what this is.
Holidays suck. Easter was harder on me than I thought it would be. Maybe for Christmas, you can plan a trip, a tropical holiday. But that longing to at least be pg by then, I feel that too.
*hugs*
It is very difficult. I had a hard time this Easter. I have been reading your story since before you got pregnant. We were due only about a month apart. I lost my daughter Claire at exactly 35w6days. My due date just passed, that was especially hard. I’m so sorry this had to happen to you. You and your family are in my thoughts.
“It comes and goes” is still how it is with us, three months on. Naturally it will be this way for a while. The only difference with us is we haven’t been thinking about Christmas and how we’ll deal with it. We think more about how we’re going to deal with his upcoming due date, which also happens to be on my birthday. How will we get through that day?
You’re still in my prayers *hugs*
I was beginning to get a very very panicky feeling thinking that we would get to one year anniversary and not be pregnant, or not even be in the middle of a cycle. It was very hard. I hope you don’t have to face an empty Christmas. Either way, there is no shame in running. To your parents or to a tropical island. Whatever gets you to the other side.