Like ripples on a pond, tragedy touches everyone
I know people in the community are struggling with a feeling of guilt over what they have, going on with their lives in the face of what happened to us. Trust me, I know – I’ve been having guilt over going on with the little things when Devin is gone. But life can’t stop. I don’t want there to be silence when I enter the figurative room. I know it’s awkward, and I know people don’t really know what to say and are afraid of hurting me. I understand that. But don’t let it get in the way. Don’t let it hold you back. I don’t want Devin to be ignored or forgotten, but I also want to have normal conversations about normal things.
Once in a while I am sure there are going to be things that hurt me. Things around my house pop up and remind me of Devin, and yes it hurts. But I would not – and do not – choose to hide them away either. I hurt because I love, because I remember. I can’t hide away from everything – and I wouldn’t want to. Things are going to hurt, but every day it hurts a little less.
Some days I can’t bear to “be around” newborns and pregnant women…. when that happens I take a break from those journals, from those forums. I don’t blame you for having a newborn or being pregnant. I would never ask you to “hide” from me just in case I might be feeling bad. Some days I feel okay, and those days I happily read your blogs and journals and catch up and comment. If I’m there it’s because I WANT to see your beautiful children, because I want to share in your life. Don’t apologise for having what you have. As Diane said, honor us by loving the ones you have… cherish them… appreciate them. That’s all I ask for.
(On the flip side, I am sorry if I cause you pain. I know that our loss has affected so many people across my communities, who not only hurt for us but are now worried for themselves. I know that seeing such an unexpected loss hit close to home can suddenly make things a little too scary. I find myself worrying a little bit that me posting around in others’ journals will make it harder on my friends, will be a reminder of what could go wrong. For that I’m sorry.)
ETA – I wrote that last paragraph quite wrong. I didn’t mean to say that I think I personally am bringing sadness to others or that I feel responsible. It’s more that I realize how widespread this is and that so many people feel the ripples from it, and I feel sad about that. “Sorry” was definitely a poor word choice.
Hello Natalie. I have been one of those bloggers “hiding”…learning of your darling Devin & like everyone else my heart broke for you. What could I say? Natalie, you truly are one of the most amazing women, the way you have shared your story, it is with such courage & kindness. You must be one of the most inspiring bloggers I have ever read.
Your son must be so incredibly proud of his beautiful Mum.
Peace and Love.
I second what Mony said. You are a beautiful and amazing woman/ Dev must be very proud of you.
I wish you didn’t feel like you had to apologize ((hugs)))
Eh, don’t apologize! You’re entitled to your feelings and unfortunately tragedy happens to everyone at some point in their life in varying degrees of hardship. It sucks, it’s no fun, it’s hard and unfair! Keep your chin up, sweetie!
Natalie-
I’m sorry you feel you need to apologize. You should be able to grieve and deal with your emotions. Good luck to you and Den. *hugs*
My heart completely aches for you! I think of you and Devin daily! Praying everyday!! xoxo
You are not responsible for how anyone else feels. *hugs* I bet a lot of what you are seeing was there under the surface anyways – and honestly, I see it as a favor to bring it to light. :)
Hi Natalie. I read your posts everyday and most often I don’t comment because I dont know what say… because I am on my third trimester and I don’t want upset you. But please know that every time I come here say a prayer for you. I pray for strength and healing. My heart truly aches for you! I am so sorry. Hugs
I just want to say we think about you three daily. Yes, this thing has been widespread – but I think that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It shows how many lives you touched, and because of that, how many people are there for you in this difficult time.
*hug*
I think I understand what you were trying to say in that paragraph. I remember feeling so incredibly sad about the way that A’s death had affected others. That friends’ children were learning about death or about dead babies from our experience– that was perhaps the heaviest to contemplate. I knew we didn’t “do” it, but it was still hard to not feel bad about it. I am better about it now, although it still affects me.
I just think you are amazing. I’m not sure what else to say besides that. But know that you and Devin have touched a lot of people.