Things are getting a little easier to handle… a little easier to accept. In general… compared to what it was. We speak about Devin fondly, without crying. We talk about him, our son. We talk about what he was, what he could have been. What he gave to us.

But sometimes it just hits me wrong. One of my due date groups has a list of all the babies due dates and when they were born (if they have arrived). I glanced at it today and just felt a kind of confusion to see Devin listed as an angel. I see angels listed in a lot of lists. But it’s still really really hard to get used to seeing it listed beside me.

It’s definitely a process. I feel myself getting used to one thing, then something else catches me off-guard. You never would really think that there were so many little aspects of pregnancy and expecting, but it’s funny how it entangles itself into everything. I find little reminders everywhere. Not that those little reminders are bad – but they certainly are everywhere and can pop up unexpectedly.

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Clothes are hard for me. I can’t fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans, so I basically have little choice at this point but to wear maternity jeans still. Thankfully I had two pairs of jeans: an under-belly style I wore in early pregnancy, and an over-belly style I wore in late pregnancy. I cannot and could not touch the over-belly style, whether or not they fit me now. The other ones, however, fit me great now and I hadn’t worn them in months, so they don’t cause any issues.

My shirts are kind of a hit-or-miss thing. It’s really kind of weird how some items trigger memories and I just can’t touch them now, and others don’t even though I’d expect them to. The light turtlenecks I wore every evening as PJs, I wore them every evening during pregnancy too even though they aren’t maternity styles. They don’t bother me, I still wear them every night. Two other turtlenecks I have were my most comfortable maternity sweaters, I wore them to work practically every day, and I can’t touch them without getting flattened with a burst of grief. I haven’t worn them since Devin’s birth. (Which makes me frustrated because they were so comfy and warm!) Yet another turtleneck that is also maternity, bought during my pregnancy, I have no issue with. A red maternity sweater reminds me of a maternity photo I took and I can’t bring myself to wear it. A yellow sweater that I wore no more often than the red one, but it’s not maternity and I owned it prior to getting pregnant… no issues. It’s so complicated.

So it’s been fun, sorting through my clothes. Instead of just “Does this fit? Is it comfortable?” I also have to hold clothes up and ask, “Can I emotionally handle wearing this?” (As if I didn’t already spend enough time selecting clothes to wear!) Also going through my pre-pregnancy clothes and figuring out what I can and can’t wear. (I apparently always have had a fondness for tight, form-fitting shirts…. which right now that can feel quite uncomfortable with my belly how it is in its state of recovery.) I’m going to have to pack up my maternity stuff that I can’t/won’t wear anymore for next time and put it safely away. And then I need to go shopping, apparently. Great.

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Talking about triggers, I have discovered that one of mine isn’t getting any better at all: ultrasounds. They are causing me anxiety attacks. Just looking at Devin’s ultrasound pictures makes me feel anxious. On TV the other night I was watching some show where they had a heart monitor hooked up to a patient, and it was showing the blip blip blip of a heartbeat and then it flatlined… and I could feel my heartrate shoot right up and I started hyperventillating a little. I had to remind myself that a) it had nothing to do with a baby and b) it was on TV. I really think this is going to be an issue in my next pregnancy. Possibly a big one. I’m going to be constantly desperate for a look at my baby to make sure he/she is okay, and simultaneously freaking the fuck out at the idea of going into an ultrasound room. I haven’t had an honest full-out panic attack in years and years, but just thinking about getting an ultrasound really has me close. At least I have time to work on this before needing to actually face one.