It’s the sound of doors swinging shut in front of me
– Ambrose Redmoon
I am angry that things have been taken from me, one-by-one…. not physical things, not important things, not even things that I would definitely have taken advantage of. But one by one my options are taken from me.
Going through IVF I thought to myself that the process wasn’t all that bad, and that I could donate my eggs – I was young, I made a lot of eggs. I may not have ever seriously pursued the idea, but I tossed it around in my head nonetheless. I like the idea of paying it forward, helping someone else.
And then I found out my egg maturity is shitty. No one would want my eggs. (And this is why I get so very angry when someone clueless says to me, “You’re young! You have plenty of time!” Oh yeah? Tell that to my damn eggs.)
When I got pregnant I discovered loved it so very much. I only wanted two children total, but I loved the pregnancy experience itself. There were times when I thought about becoming a surrogate. I don’t know if I’d ever be able to make that big of a sacrifice, but I thought about it.
Then we lost Devin to an accident. The reading that I’ve done have suggested that, if it is a cord accident like I suspect, that there is a higher chance of it happening again in a subsequent pregnancy. I love being pregnant, but it’s never going to be the same again. I am going to be terrified. Not only will no one want to hire a surrogate that’s lost a baby late-term, but there’s no way I’d be able to emotionally handle it anyways.
During pregnancy I also became a champion for natural childbirth – or as much a champion as one could be, having not actually been through it myself yet. I educated myself as best I could, and I really believed in it. So much so, in fact, that several times Den would say to me, “Why don’t you pursue this? Become a doula or midwife or something?” I figured it would be a long time since that would happen, and I’d have to actually give birth myself before I could do so, but it was another one of those ideas that I carefully shelved in my brain for the future as a possibility.
I am still very much a advocate of the natural birth process. If I hadn’t been in the midst of a stillbirth I wouldn’t even have gotten the IV meds that I did, and I wouldn’t have been asking for the epidural. My birth experience was a positive one and it at least gave me one aspect of that day that I can look back on proudly and fondly.
But the thought of helping others through their births with live children is not something I could possibly do right now – or for a long time, depending on my next pregnancy and birth. At least this is not something that I am physically unable to do – just mentally and emotionally. And it’s possible that at some point in the future it could change.
It just feels like I am continually being kicked when I am down. None of the things mentioned above were things I had my heart set on… they do not make me weep with a sense of loss and disappointment. It just pisses me off, that’s all. I’m tired of having the rug snatched out from under me.
Of course feeling sorry for myself about the things that I cannot do will neither change it nor give me new ideas. And that is precisely what I need: new ideas. My life has changed, the circumstance has changed. Who I am and what I stand for has changed. This change took away some of the old paths in front of me…. but opened up new ones, I am sure.
There is Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, a non-profit organization that sends photographers to stillbirths to capture those precious moments – something that I would have been eternally grateful for. (I am grateful for what little we have, but a nurse with a point-and-shoot camera is not going to be able to do the same as professional photographer.) I may not be a pro photog – though I have done one paying job – but I have talent. Becoming a NILMDTS volunteer photographer would be a wonderful way to help others who have been in my shoes. Not only could I provide photos, but I know what they are going through. I’ve been there.
There are other ways, I am sure, of helping others in their time of greatest grief, greatest need. And I wonder if there is some way I could dedicate my life to helping… to using what Devin has taught me to do something worthwhile. The problem, however, is that anything like this would continually open my own wounds. How would it affect me to photograph other stillborn babies? To be around that raw grief? Would it be healthy for me? I don’t know the answer to that yet.
I do need to find some sort of cause, though. Something to put myself into, even if it’s as simple as a small support group. I do like the idea of it being connected to stillbirth and loss, because it helps me feel connected to Devin. It helps me remember and feel useful. Not that Devin’s death happened for a reason – I do not, and will never, believe that – but that maybe I can use this tragedy to grow stronger, to give me a new purpose.
natalie, whether you realize it or not, you are helping others by sharing your story now. and by sharing your life with devin, he will never be forgotten. ~luna
You are such a strong strong person. I remember wanting to donate my eggs too to help others but was shocked when I only had a few. I was also told “your young, you’ll be fine.” When I was going through IVF my mother told me “God will not give you anything that you can not handle” to this day that is what I live by. Yes I was infertile and yes I got through it but I’ve grown so much from it. I can’t even imagine what your going through but you will get through and you will grow stronger. One day at a time and some days it will be one hour or one minute at a time.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I love that quote at the beginning Natalie. You are probably hearing how strong and brave you are a great deal. I know whenever I heard someone tell me that – I felt anything but. The thing is – sometimes just the act of continuing to breathe in and out after losing something so dear and precious to us is amazing. That is the strength and courage that others see and remark upon.
Whatever you choose to do, I can see it being a beautiful legacy for Devin.
My friend’s son died at 9 1/2 months in January. He was only out of the hospital for a couple of weeks, but there was always so much hope that he would make it, up until the end. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep gave them lovely pictures that they will cherish, particularly since taking photos on him in the NICU and the PICU was difficult (flash, etc., didn’t want to startle him and of course, they thought they’d always have time). She said that she hardly knew they were there and that what they gave her so much. They sound like a wonderful organization and it sounds like a really meaningful way to honor your son.
Take care.
Luna is right. I think this blog is incredibly helpful. Not just for you, but for others who read.
Don’t push yourself too hard. I volunteer with survivors of sexual assault. They usually have this overwhelming need in the beginning to jump in and help other people, however, they really need to begin the healing process themselves first. Be gentle with yourself. You’ll have plenty of time to help others. Hugs to you – and thank you for your blog.
Personally… I think the idea of you being a photog for NILMDTS is a fabulous one, in a year or two. Right now, I think it’s still too raw, but in time it could be a wonderful way to memorialize Devin, help others, and heal your own pain as well. For now, focus on you. Like Alison said, there will be plenty of time to help others.
Natalie-you are going to feel so many different things at so many different times. None of your feelings and none of your emotions are wrong. You are not even three weeks past this, just let yourself feel and DO what you want. Eventually, the answer to what you need to do, where you need to be and who you need to help will come. Naturally. Just know that you have every right, every justification to just feel right now. And know that people all over are thinking of you and are, like me, angry FOR you too!
Natalie, I think blogging about your experience in such an honest way is an enormous gift. I keep thinking it would make an amazing and life-changing book for people, for anyone who has experienced loss, or gone through severe emotional challenges.
Seriously, reading your recent posts is transformative.
Sending you stacks of mental-hugs every day.
You know this reminds me of something my father has told me in my life… that life is about giving back to others. He told me he’s found real joy in that… and though the wounds are fresh right now, there may come a time where when the wounds are not so fresh that you’ll want to do just that… not so much worrying about what it does to you but what you’ll be giving to someone in the midst of just finding out in the whirlwind of it all…
You’re something else, Natalie. You are already looking at how to help others… where in my puny in comparison hurt I turned inward, you turn outward… You are such a remarkable person…
Agree about a book, too. Such healing in your realistic words…
Natalie, I agree with Luna too. You are helping others with your blog. You have no idea how much you are. I understand that you may feel like being more active out there too. Whatever you choose to do, I know you will do with your heart and give full devotion to whatever cause you choose.
You’re in my prayers daily
*hugs*
I think that is a great idea, using your grief to help others who might not be as strong as you.