Well I am still sick. Kate did end up getting what Den had (has?) and I of course got it too. Thankfully it wasn’t anything too bad, but it’s been two weeks now of coughing and snot. I hate snot. I think I have forgotten what it feels like to breathe when I lay down to sleep. Enough already, I’ve taken my lumps, I’ve put in my time, now this virus needs to get the hell out of my system.

Kate is teething again, so more anbesol and tylenol to go around. Of course we were putting the anbesol on the bottom gums because those two first teeth still aren’t in all the way. Then a few days ago Kate and I are playing on the grass and when she leans back I clearly see a tooth in the top gum. Ahhhh, I didn’t even see it coming. So now anbesol goes on top and bottom and there is much better sleep to be had. It’s still not good though. It’s just so crummy seeing her crying when she’s put in the crib. :( I think after a night or two of sore teeth while she’s trying to sleep she starts to associate crib and night with hurting, as she starts fighting and crying soon as we go in there. Man. Poor kid. Teething is rough stuff, far worse than I had ever though it would be. And I never realized how much it would mess sleep up, nor for how long! I don’t know if some kids just aren’t as bothered by it as others, but Kate seems to be one of the extremely sensitive ones. If something is bothering her in the slightest, she can’t sleep, even when she clearly wants to. Guess that’s just one more lovely trait she inherited from me. Sorry kiddo.

Between the me-sick and her-teething I’m getting pretty much no sleep. In the middle of the night when she wakes up sore and very unhappy I’m just pulling her into the futon with me… she’s just so sad. :( She doesn’t even necessarily want to nurse, but she wants the boob… a few times she has kept the paci in and fallen asleep using my boob as a pillow. It’s her “if all else fails” comfort object. She’s also nursing frequently during the day – and by frequently I mean tugging on my shirt every 10 minutes and crying if she’s not allowed to see the boobie. And again, she’s barely nursing, she doesn’t even care to be latched, she apparently just wants to see and touch the boobie. Last month she was only nursing four times a day, so clearly this is related to her feeling miserable. It’s still annoying when I’m trying to get something done, but I’m glad I can do something to help her feel better.

My mom did get her an amber teething necklace so she’s been wearing it. To be honest I think the concept is bogus, as I feel about homeopathic remedies. But whatever, at this point I’ll give it a try. I won’t let her sleep with it on, though – and sleep is when she needs it most. Someone mentioned putting one on their child’s ankle for night and so maybe I’ll try that.

::

Yesterday was my friend Carrie’s baby shower, which I was involved in helping to plan. The other two girls did far more than I did, but I tried to do what I can given that I’m chasing Kate around everywhere. In the end the shower was a success, everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, Carrie got lots of great gifts and I think she enjoyed her special day. I was so happy to be able to participate!

I had brunch in the morning before the shower so I arranged to meet Den at the shower, he would get Kate ready and bring her. He had a baseball game to go to, so Kate got to spend the day at the shower with me. I was very very relieved to arrive and find a very cute little munchkin in a dress, freshly bathed and well-rested from a morning nap. Go Denis for pulling that off! Kate did fantastic. We got there at 1pm to set up, I brought her push-walker to amuse herself while I was busy. It was a very large space with closed doors leading out so I felt safe letting her wander. The party started at 2 and she had fun walking around flirting with people. But her thing right now is pushing things. My living room is constantly getting rearranged as she moves the chairs all over the place, along with her walker and table toys. Bringing her walker with me was a very good idea, however you know what’s better than a walker? A stroller! Thankfully Carrie’s mother very thoughtfully brought the brand new travel system that was her shower gift and left it all set up, just sitting there, begging to be pushed. And Kate zoned right in on it. So I figure Kate spent about 2 hours pushing that stroller around the room. Hilarious for many reasons, not the least of which being that Kate is a very short child at about 28 inches tall. It made keeping track of her very easy though. I’d be taking pictures of the gift opening and I’d look around the room. If I didn’t see my child I would look for the large object that was seemingly moving by itself. Everyone thought she was so cute.

We were cleaning up and leaving just after 5pm and Kate still hadn’t napped in the afternoon. I tried putting her in the mei tai earlier but she wanted to be down and exploring. No one could believe she was so good-natured and happy the whole time, even when she was clearly exhausted. I think she fell asleep as soon as I buckled her into the carseat and she slept the whole way home.

I am STILL sick. This is three weeks now. I’m so over it and I’m really in quite a foul mood about it. Not being able to get good sleep at night – even if Kate lets me I’m coughing and blowing my nose – is apparently really not good for your mood.

Kate is no longer sick, which is a relief, but she is still teething. Or something. She’s hit this phase, and nursing mamas will nod sagely when I explain: she wants to nurse 24/7. And I don’t mean she’s hungry, I mean she just wants my boob out and accessible for her to suck here and there. If it’s not, god forbid, then she is whining like there is no tomorrow. She follows me around tugging at my pants and whining, and when that fails, she starts crying. When I finally give up and sit down with her on my lap and lift my shirt she sucks approximately 3 times. Then she pushes me away. If I cover up she immediately throws herself back at my chest, yanks on my shirt, and cries again. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I try to pick her up and console her but she just tugs at my shirt, puts her hand down my shirt, and cries. Over and over. All day long. It is pissing me off. I don’t like to say that, and I really try hard to have a near-endless supply of patience, but it is rapidly running out. Today while I had my shirt pulled up exposing both boobs so she could choose which one she wanted she actually started freaking out crying and trying to pull my neckline down – apparently she wanted the other boobs. WTF?

Especially since she is not actually in any sort of pain or other fragile state. If she’s on the floor with Den she happily plays with her books and blocks and crawls on him giggling. They were adorable last night. So I sat down with them to play and join in the fun. It lasted about 30 seconds before she crawled over to me and – you guessed it – cried and pulled at my shirt. WTF!

As if it could get even MORE fun, it happens at night too! She wants to nurse every single time she wakes up if I’m in the room. She will not lay down and go back to sleep. She will not be cajoled or sung or rocked to sleep. And even when I DO nurse her she tends to do the same damn thing: push at me and try crawling away. Again I say: WTF! Night time wake-ups are now a very draining fight of: crying, rocking-while-struggling-against-me, nurse for 1 minute, rocking-while-struggling-against-me-and-yelling, put paci in, she throws paci, I put paci in, she throws paci, I give her the paci and put her in the crib and try to ignore her, she chucks paci out of the crib and then screams at me for half an hour. It sounds comical. And I do laugh sometimes, a bitter, dark, I’m-losing-my-fucking-mind kind of laugh because what else is there to do?

So I got up and left the room, and went to bed. I told Den either he could get her to sleep or she could scream for an hour. And at that point I really didn’t care which it was, clearly nothing I was doing was working. She ended up falling asleep herself within 5 minutes, but woke up 20 minutes later. Den went in. He rocked her to sleep in a few minutes flat. She slept for 3 hours. When she woke up again he shushed her and patted her and she fell back asleep for another 3 hours. Peacefully. So clearly? I cannot be in the room at night right now. I apparently make it worse. It kind of sucks that he’ll be dealing with nights because he kind of has to get up and go to work. On the other hand I greedily anticipate actually sleeping a little bit. Not that I don’t wake up every time she cries anyways, but at least I can just go back to sleep.

Also, her birthday is in 2 weeks. I have no idea how I’m going to get her scrapbook done by then.

Apparently I just needed to write about it and get it off my chest because for the last two days Kate has been just fine. A couple of times she looked like she was going to do the tug-and-whine but was easily distracted. It’s been great having my happy, playful baby back!

Though I’m wondering how much of it is because Den has done several nights of baby-duty. While I’m still waking up when she cries (we have thin walls), I am getting to sleep without struggling or worrying or rocking or slumping over as I hold her hand through the crib slats. This is not entirely by design. I’ve tried to do the first night-waking, and when I try she ends up screaming at me for an hour. Screaming! She now throws her paci out of the crib. She thinks it’s funny for all of 5 seconds then she realizes she’s tired and no longer has a paci and starts shrieking. And it’s an ugly catch-22 for me, since if I retrieve the paci and give it back she continues to throw it, but if I don’t then I know she will not fall asleep. But if I send in the husband? The kid lays down and falls asleep. Sometimes it takes a little more than that, he needs to walk and rock her at the midnight waking since she’s used to getting nursed at that time. But without fighting she goes back to sleep, and he puts her down and she stays asleep. He reports that several times during the night she’ll sit up, peer over the bumper to check that he’s there, then lay down and go back to sleep. Friday morning when Den had to go to work we switched places while she was sound asleep. When she woke up, peered quietly over the bumper, saw it was me and not Denis, and stood up and screamed for me to feed her.

Clearly at this point me having the boobs is not helping. I’m not used to this. The boobs have always been my secret weapon. They soothe her, they put her to sleep, they are very mama. But now, when she is obviously capable of sleeping all night without eating, she won’t sleep unless she has The Boobs. I know at 11 1/2 months old she’s physically capable of sleeping all night without feeding but I still feel all weird about it, like I’m denying her food. The clincher for me was seeing how well she sleeps all night when Den is in there. If she was honestly hungry she’d scream at him and we would feed her. She’s not, and she doesn’t.

The added bonus to this night-weaning is that I wake up with FULL boobs. She eats her fill and I’m still able to pump off a couple of ounces to put in the freezer (since I was almost out!). As Barb had mentioned in response to my last post, I too was wondering if my supply was declining. But now that she’s not nursing 24/7 and is actually nursing meals again every 4-ish hours I have plenty of milk – actually I could probably pump off more, she must have pumped up my supply during those days of nursing constantly.

::

A few weeks ago I decided that my Mother’s Day gift would be a full night of sleep – no getting up with the baby. I knew I’d have to nurse her in the morning but then I fully planned to roll over and go back to sleep while Den spent time with her. It didn’t quite work out the way I’d planned, given that I have actually had several good night’s sleep already now… and the dogs. Forgot about the damn dogs. on weekdays Den’s alarm goes off at 6am and he has a very specific routine he follows. The dogs don’t even bother lifting their head when his alarm goes off, they snooze through his shower and getting dressed. But at 7am when he brushes his teeth they get up, stretch, and are ready to be let out. So you can guess what happened this morning when at 7am there wasn’t a human stirring and Den was still asleep in Kate’s room. The dogs started panicking. I told them to shut up, but they were quite upset and at 7:30 I had to get up to let them out. I don’t know if it’s due to the couple nights of sleep I’ve had or what, but I could not go back to sleep. Oh, but the child slept until 9:15. Very kind of her.

At least I got to read a while this morning, then Den got her up and brought her to me for cuddles and nursing. I think so far that’s been the best part of my day. We layed in my bed together in the quiet blind-filtered morning sun, her nursing and babbling quietly as she touched my face and gave me the brightest, cutest smiles I could possibly imagine. I love love love those moments. Then Den took her to get ready while I packed a small diaper bag for him and they went out for a couple hours. (I asked him if he had a bag packed and he looked at me with puppy-dog eyes and said, “Help??”) I got to shower alone, shave, read, blowdry my hair, get dressed… all without anyone crying or tugging on my pants or throwing my clean laundry on the floor. Not that I don’t love having a little sidekick most of the time, but I have to say it is kind of nice to just be able to not be on full alert all the time.

She was an utter doll when they got back, “talking” to me and playing with all of her toys while we tidied up the house. Then at 11:30 she was standing across the room and out of nowhere she looks at me, pouts, says, “Waaahhhhh” and walks over to me and buries her face against my pant leg. Apparently it was nap time. I put her down and she was out like a light. So weird… and helpful, lol.

Naps have been shifting a little bit, she’s starting to transition down to 1 nap a day. Of course she’s not doing it the way I expected her to do. Instead of losing the morning nap she’s losing the afternoon nap and pushing the morning one back. It’s right in that in-between stage where if she takes a long morning nap (shes’ been going consistently 2 hours) she isn’t tired for an afternoon nap until nearly 5pm, which is our “do not sleep beyond” point if we want to have a good bedtime. So it varies…. a shorter morning nap means she will probably take an afternoon nap to get through to bedtime, but on days like today when she takes a super long morning nap that’s it for the day. Sometimes she doesn’t quite make it to bedtime, but it usually means she goes to bed easy and falls asleep in 2 seconds.

All in all maybe we’re on the upside of this rough sleep thing. Maybe. I still don’t see her sleeping through the night anytime soon, though.

Two hours after being put to bed Kate coughed a few times. I clearly heard her whining and coughing – one or two coughs she might do asleep, but after several pauses and then another cough and whine I knew she had to be awake. I put down my kindle, got out of bed, put on my pants, and then stopped. There was no more whining. I gingerly crawled back onto my bed and waited. She’d put herself back to sleep.

As I talked with my mother on the phone tonight, mentioning off-hand how Kate was in bed and we were reading, how she’s been sleeping pretty well in the evenings and we’ve been having time to ourselves without interruptions, I realized how good she really has been. I never had uninterrupted evenings unless I left the house. There were days when she slept a longer stretch, but they were rare and unpredictable. This past while she’s been going down easy at bed time and not waking back up every hour.

I have been sitting in bed, reading, for the past 3 hours. I have been sitting in bed reading for the past 3 hours. In quiet. I am relaxed. I think that was what really got to me, the tenseness, always knowing that her waking up was just around the corner. I couldn’t ever commit to anything, waiting for an interruption. Just handing over the responsibility to Den was like a huge weight lifted that I didn’t really realize I was carrying. Her sleeping well and not needing him constantly is even better. I feel so relieved. (Of course it is now midnight so she will be waking in approximately 10 minutes.)

I actually feel like I have energy. Some of that is the cold getting out of my system, but some is catching up a little bit on sleep. And the sunshine recently, that always helps. I want to read, and write, and scrapbook, and plan my garden. I want to do things. I feel words bubbling out of me again.

Oh my poor garden. I was outside with Kate yesterday and happened to take a look at the garden for the first time in a while. Last year I didn’t touch it, I was so wrapped up in holding a newborn all the time and soaking up every inch of it. But the garden suffered. It’s overgrown with grass and weeds, my strawberries have apparently joined a race to take over as many beds as possible, there are leaves and mulch and dead plants wilted across the faded wooden bed frames. It’s all just very sad. At the very least I need to rake and pull out weeds before Kate’s party – I can’t let people see it like that.

I also noticed a fairly large depression, a hole, in one of my flower beds. Not some tunnel but a very large dish-shaped area where something has clearly been digging. I took a picture with my phone, muttering out loud as Kate looked on with an expression of bewilderment. Later that evening I told Den about this large hole, speculating that maybe something was nesting in my garden, something large was digging in my garden! Den looked at me and with a dry voice asked, “Like the dogs?”

I stared back at him. “Oh. Yes. Right.”

I am sitting in bed with my laptop, writing. This is my zen space, my comfort nook. I have only attempted it a handful of times since Kate was born, right around the time when she needed to have me within arms reach to nap, and would still sleep if I was playing with something electronic that lit up. That was a very small window. Even once she was sleeping in her room she would wake frequently enough that I never even considered settling in with my laptop in the bedroom. Why bother if I was going to have to get up five times. It takes me 15 minutes just to get the blankets folded correctly. (I wish I was joking.)

So tonight when Den suggested bringing the laptop in the bedroom to hang out together while he read I had no excuse. I set myself up, nestled in to the pillows, and let out a large sigh of contentment.

::

I have a toddler walking around my house. I’m not exactly sure where this creature came from – the word is it grew from the baby I brought home from the hospital – but it lives here now.

She speaks in gibberish that sounds eerily like English. She mimics word sounds and motions. When I show her something she stares intently and then grins at me, like it’s a big secret she was just let in on. She climbs toys and furniture, she steps over obstacles and ducks under tables. She squats to study and play with objects on the floor.

I find myself talking a lot more than I ever did before, now that it seems like she’s really comprehending things. I explain and narrate and ask and answer questions. I flip through her book and point. “Green! Green leaf! Green. Which block is green? Here’s the green block! Yay!” She claps and takes it out of my hand and taps it on the book. Maybe she’s getting it, I think to myself. Then she flings the blocks in all directions and flips the book upside down. Or maybe not yet.

::

I find it very interesting to watch Kate’s personality develop. She certainly still has a very strong personality. She’s a confident baby and knows what she wants and how to get it. She has no qualms about walking up to every person in a room to grin at them. She walks up to other babies and takes their toys or pacis. She points and touches and attempts to grab clothes. But it’s always on her terms; she will back away from a child getting in her face and push away anyone trying to touch or hold her. She doesn’t cry or get upset, just backs up and walks in the opposite direction.

She’s definitely a thrill-loving baby. She laughs when we toss her in the air or pretend to drop her. She finds it hysterical when we jump out and shout “Boo!” She loves being spun in circles until she’s dizzy. Today I took her down a big-kid slide and she seemed to find that amusing, too.

She’s not fearless, though. She doesn’t bulldoze objects or run off ledges. She’s very methodical about picking her way through obstacles or off objects. If she’s stuck and can’t figure out how to get to where she wants to go she’ll cry for help.

She does seem to be developing into a bit of a prissy personality when it comes to some things. Taking her outside was kind of hilarious, actually. The first few times on grass she was not happy, holding her hands in the air away from the weird dirty grass. She did end up picking at the grass with her thumb and forefinger, pulling the grass blades apart one by one. Then she started trying to walk on the grass and that was rough. It’s bumpy so she loses her balance frequently, which frustrates her anyways. But then to land on the dirty prickly grass with her hands? Oh the horror. She always ends up standing up, holding her hands up over her head, and crying. Not hysterical upset tears, but “This is bullshit, come get me!!” crying. We had her first experience with sand today, and again she’s very reserved about it, though she was picking up handfuls and letting go, experimenting with it. She’s very dainty in how she handles things.

She’s pretty good about following directions and limitations. Our kitchen is half unfinished, not really baby-friendly. Half is linoleum and cabinets, the unfinished half has an area rug down on the floor. I let her on the area rug because the fridge is next to it and she loves to sit and play with her fridge magnets, but she’s not to go off the rug onto the unfinished parts. The cat box is there, the cat food, shoes, other random things. She rarely steps off of that rug. She’ll watch the cats eating a few feet away and wander up to the edge, but she seems to understand the line in the sand. If she keeps going I say, “Kate, no-no.” Most of the time she turns around and comes back into the “safe” zone. Not every time, but most of the time. She also generally stays away from the trash can in the kitchen, though she’ll lift the lid now and then. Again a, “No-no, come play with this!” is usually enough to redirect her. But of course her ability to follow directions is limited by how valuable something is to her. The bathroom trash can, for instance, apparently has a very high value and she will not stop trying to get into it no matter what I say. So I pee really quickly and keep the door closed the rest of the time.

I find with a toddler, as with pets, it’s a balance of removing temptation, setting limits, and letting them explore. No one wants to spend the entire day correcting a child every time they do anything – that’s no fun for them or us. So we use baby gates and closed doors to keep her from unsafe areas and remove things. Other not-baby-items I’m okay with her playing with as long as she is gentle. My computer printer is on the floor and she loves to push the buttons and turn it on and off. I just keep it not plugged into my computer so she doesn’t do anything weird. She likes to carry around laundry and sometimes pull things (plastic storage containers, baby food jars, cracker boxes) out of kitchen cupboards. She has had great fun with the large manilla envelopes I had in the corner. I put my good books out of reach but left out one or two that I never liked anyways so she could play with the pages. (Yes, one got ripped out. But just one.)

Unfortunately her reach is getting longer. Just the other day I looked at her standing on her tippy-toes, reaching up for the remote controls that we stash on top of the cabinet and noticed her fingers are now actually touching the remotes. Shit. We’re going to need higher shelves.

Today I took Kate to a playgroup that we hadn’t gone to before. There were some familiar faces, but it was a new location, new toys, and many new faces as well. I walked in, put Kate down, and she walked off. First she walked around watching everyone. Then I saw her carrying around a small toy that I think another kid had given her. Next thing I know she’d discovered the push-toys and that had her attention for a while.

I sat down with other moms and little ones and would crane my head around every few minutes to try to locate her. It wasn’t always easy; one minute she’s pushing a toy around in that corner, the next look she’s gone from sight. I stood up to do a visual room sweep. Oh, there’s my child. She’s sitting in the middle of a group of older children playing with trains. She was holding up a chunk of the wooden track and waving it around.

One time I saw her pushing around a ride-on toy. I saw an older toddler – probably a 3-year-old – walk over while Kate was stationary and try to get on the ride-on. Kate stepped forward and very firmly pushed the other kid away from the toy. I’m pretty sure the 3 year old was a little confused, and she just continued on her way. Kate returned to pushing the toy. (I wouldn’t be amused if she started pushing kids around for fun, but so far she has not done so, she only pushes back if someone gets in her space or tries to take something from her hands.)

There was a plastic slide in the room. I sat Kate on the top, held her hands, and whoosh down the slide! She liked that. We did that for a little while and she wouldn’t leave the slide. The steps up were way too big for her to even attempt so unfortunately she just stood at the bottom, in the way. I had to distract her with something else across the room so she wouldn’t get knocked down. Clearly she needs a slide.

It’s just so funny to watch her, my independent little girl. She would look for me now and then, and give me a huge smile from across the room. A few times she toddled up to me and leaned into my chest for a hug and a kiss. Then off she went again. Only at the end did she try crawling onto my lap, whining quietly and wanting to nurse. It was nearing nap time, though.

She’s such an outgoing, independent, strong-willed little girl. I love it. But I sure know she’s going to give me a run for my money down the road!

I think the biggest lesson I have learned from having a child is that of priorities.

I used to do whatever I felt like doing. There were things I had to get done and things I wanted to do and it was always a battle between them, but I would weave my way through my time with whatever I felt inspired to do next. Now I feel like I’m living in triage. Okay, I have ONE HOUR and ten things that need doing. What do I absolutely have to get done today?

If I want to read a book? Dishes don’t get washed. Take a shower? No reading then. Tackle that overgrown mess that used to be a garden? No scrapbooking will be touched.

I constantly have a priorities list tacked to the inside of my skull, planning out exactly what is of most importance for the day. I try to get things done while Kate’s awake and participating. Now meals are a shared event instead of me trying to sneak something in while she naps, which actually makes it a lot easier for me. Anything that requires me to be on my feet and moving are usually acceptable to her, so laundry, dishes, minor cleaning. Except days when she’s not feeling well, then she just clings to my leg crying when I try to do anything at all. (Funny enough those are also the days that I can’t wait until Den gets home so I can hand her over and escape. To the kitchen. Because I am lame and there are dishes and laundry to do.)

One of the harder things to learn is that stuff just doesn’t need to get done. I try to do the dishes, I make us food, I pick up cat fur and try to shepherd toys back into their respective corners (it’s a never-ending battle). Laundry gets washed, but tends to get stuck in bins around the house. Scrubbing, mopping, organizing kitchen cabinets? Not going to happen. I could do it, but that would mean I’d have to sacrifice something – like my sanity. Yes it feels kind of bad to be reading or scrapbooking when there is clutter all over the countertops and the cinnamon is in the wrong cupboard. But I need that. Everyone needs that, I think. Enjoying an hour of quiet really should be appreciated.

I find myself constantly asking myself, “Is this what I want to spend my hour on? Is this worth my time?” Often the answer is “no.” It’s easy to get sucked into stupid things online. I get highly irritated when Kate wakes up and I realize I’ve done absolutely nothing I wanted to do.

And when the husband asks why that bill didn’t get paid I realize I need to put bill paying higher on the priority list. (Most are set to automatic, so the few that aren’t get the short stick.)

Now excuse me, scrapbooking is high on my priority list this week. I need to get it done by Kate’s birthday!

50. That’s how many pages I am currently sending to print for Kate’s scrapbook. I didn’t quite get it done, there were supposed to be a few more pages… plus the pages for her 12th month and birthday obviously can’t be done yet. But I wanted to get as much done as possible for her birthday party and by damn I did it. I busted my ass these last two weeks, which is good and bad: good because I got shit done, deadlines are the only way I can coerce myself into finishing anything; bad because I’m not 100% happy with all the pages I did. I’m happy with more than I would have thought, though. Very pleased.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this, but I do digital scrapbooking. It seemed like a cheaper option, plus for me, being a prior web designer and all, I had the tools and knowledge. So I bring my laptop to crops with my friends – much lighter to carry, as everyone else brings huge bags of gear. But the whole “cheaper” thing? I only just now got around to looking up where to print things out and oh my god. Shutterfly wanted to charge $6 per page. Let’s see, $6 x 50 = Holy Fucking Shit. Thankfully I found Persnickity Prints, recommended by some girls online. I’ll let you know how I like the quality, but they look good, flat rate shipping, and only $2 per page. That’s still a chunk of change for this scrapbook, but not more than I would have spent on paper and supplies.

My stress level has been ratcheting up these last few days as I felt the deadline pressing in, knowing I had to send the pages to print several days before her birthday to allow for shipping time. Kate has been less than thrilled by my lack of attention, but she’s been pretty good about occupying herself. I promised her I’d make it up to her… not that she can understand me or anything. Den, too, has been getting irritated with my total inability to do or think of anything else, but he at least understands why.

Today I had to get the last page finished and then get them all uploaded, not a problem, I figured I’d do it while she took her nap. Except she utterly refused to nap. We have a party to go to this evening and then we’re going to pick my mom up from the airport, so today is not a day to screw around with naps to start with. And I needed that time!! I spent two damn hours in her room while she ran laps around her crib (I wish I was kidding – she was toddler-walk-running from one side of the crib to the other, laughing. When she got bored of that she started throwing her paci out of the crib, always good for a laugh… for 2 seconds until she freaks out because she doesn’t have a paci. Then she finally layed down and I thought she was going to sleep… I actually think I dozed off, myself. But surprize! she sits up and starts crying. Either teeth or congestion or just not wanting to nap, I don’t know. Anbesol, hugs and rocking… and she perks right up, starts babbling, and tries pushing away from me to run out the bedroom door. Yeah. Not happening. So yes, two hours of this. I finally got up and left. I was just so frustrated and frazzled and getting really irritated with her. I took a shower and then turned up the music while she cried. She finally must have realized she was in fact tired because she fell asleep and has been out for over an hour and a half.

But the scrapbook is now as done as it’s going to get for the moment and the pages are uploading as I type. Here’s some samples. Maybe I’ll upload all of them at some point.

I am so exhausted. We all are. I am so glad my mom is here helping out because I have no idea how I would have pulled off a party without help! Den took care of the yard while I did decorations and food; mom did a lot of the food prep and occupied Kate when she was being clingy while I needed to get things done. My mom even cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. All I can think about is how gross my house would have been were she not here!

Things went well. Not perfect – I have some notes to jot down for next time in the “to do” and “NOT to do” columns, but overall we had a great party with our friends and family. Kate was fantastic, playing with the other kids and being her normal cheery, outgoing self. I made sure she took a good nap that morning, knowing that there wouldn’t be any downtime until the late evening, and she handled it so well. She looked quite tired by the end, but it didn’t affect her mood at all. She’s such a social girl.

The cake I made turned out okay, but there was a while the night before the party that I had a meltdown. I had this vision in my head of a two-tiered pink cake with white trim. It did in fact end up looking very similar to my vision, which is awesome for my first attempt at a decorated fancy cake. The problem was that in order to get the cake the color I wanted I had to add a huge amount of dye – a lot more than I was expecting. The icing stained everything! I had a huge panic attack after decorating the cake, realizing what a huge mess it was going to make. I ended up making a small little cake just for Kate, with very light pink icing, so that she didn’t end up a bright pink disaster. And then apparently any red dye, in large amounts, leaves a weird taste to the icing. So it was not the tastiest cake ever. Den thought the icing was disgusting, though I didn’t think it was that bad. Next time I know better!

Kids were running all over our yard playing, next time I need to have more toys available! I didn’t really think to bring out Kate’s toys from inside and we don’t really have much for older kids. They played ball with Den’s baseball bat and Kate’s big pink ball. Kate’s ball pit (our present to her) was a hit, though. I didn’t realize that many children could fit into one very small inflatable pool! (My Brother-in-law wryly remarked, “Write it off as a loss. There’s bound to be at least one hole in it by now!” But it actually appears to have survived! It is one sturdy $8 pool!) Next time I’ll get a bigger one – and more balls, lol.

The food turned out really well. I tried out a couple new recipes, which is always nervewracking on a big day! My mom kept saying I was very brave. I was ready to change my plans at the last minute if something tasted gross, though… luckily people liked them! (Check out this recipe for Sweet Macaroni Salad… definitely a winner!) We had chicken breasts and burgers and hotdogs, which Den cooked all on our grill. I was not a fan of the burgers and dogs idea, but in the end that is just the thing for a backyard party.

And the dress, oh the dress! When I was trying to decide what she should wear for her birthday we decided against a shirt and skirt, feeling that was too plain for us. I wanted a cute dress. I searched online and found a cute one at The Children’s Place. It turns out that the dress is even 100 times cuter in person than in the picture online! Oh my, it was beyond perfect. It had a little tulle underneath to fluff it out, a ribbon edge. I could not have asked anything more perfect!

Everyone was absolutely exhausted by the end of the day. I slept until 11am today (thank you Denis and mom!!!) and still took a nap with Kate in the afternoon, along with everyone else in the house. Kate was definitely the perkiest one of the day today, playing with her new toys, stomping around the house chasing cats, and babbling at the top of her lungs. I felt like I had a hangover the entire day, and I never had a drop of alcohol!

Today I just watched Kate walk around and tried to process the fact that she is now one. Unbelievable. She’s not a baby anymore. Not that she’s been a “baby” for a while, but it still seems so momentous and strange. I don’t really know how to feel about it, to be honest. I haven’t cried, I’m not upset… but at the same time it is a little sad. I guess all her big milestones will feel a bit like this. I’m so proud of who she is, but it’s hard to let go, too.

::

Dearest Kate:

I wish I could go back a year and tell myself that I would love you as much today as I did that first week. That it’s still you in my arms – just a bigger, brighter, more interactive you. As I hold you in my arms as you fall asleep in the dark it’s the same back, same head, same hands. You’re so very different from the tiny little being we brought into this world, but you’re still you. We’re still inextricably tied together, you and I. My heart will never stop loving everything you are, no matter how you grow and change and evolve. I watch it happen in front of me and am amazed at every piece of the chain.

You don’t owe me anything. All the diapers, the tantrums, the sleepless nights, the sacrifices, they’re all willingly given in exchange for the privilege of being your mom, of watching you grow up and being here with you.

I love you, baby girl, and always will. Thank you for the best year of my life so far.

Mama

::

So we have had some issues with pools. My kid loves water – LOVES water – and I was very excited for summer to arrive! Finally the temps have reached 80 degrees and we are getting a little prickly-like and opening windows and such and I thought, yes! Pool time!!

We have two pools, currently: a very small round baby pool, and a larger inflatable kid pool with inflatable slide and inflatable waterfall. It was so much inflatable awesomeness! I couldn’t wait! We were going to go swimming!

Except… I had to blow it up. No big, right? Except when I took it out of the box and unfolded it I said holy shit, how big IS this thing? Then I looked at the box closer and my mom did math in her head (something that apparently skipped a generation). “6 feet? No 7 feet.” I stared at the thing and realized that, no, I was not going to blow this thing up myself. I called my husband and asked about a pump. Now apparently there was a mis-communication, him thinking I was asking about a bicycle pump, me thinking he meant a manual pump like a bicycle pump. Turns out that is a very important distinction. We drove all the way to walmart to buy a pump only to later have Den tell me that we already had an electric pump for inflatables, just not for bicycles. (Side note: Why the hell would I need a bicycle pump to inflate a pool?)

Regardless, we finally got back from Walmart with an awesome little pump and I started to try to inflate it. It wouldn’t inflate. Visual inspection revealed that was because the air was escaping out through a large round hole input thing… you know, the kind that are designed so that you can inflate it with a vacuum cleaner. Which we have. Making the Walmart trip doubly unnecessary. I was thrilled.

We’ll skip through the part about how I inflated it inside with the vacuum, then tried to maneuver it out the back door…. to the part where I positioned it in our back yard and filled it with water…. through the water hose which only works from our front yard spout. (The back yard’s broke.) So it filled up and I realized, holy cow, this thing takes a lot more water than I thought.

But finally! Finally it had water in it! Not a lot, just a few inches, but enough. I found a bathing suit and got into it. (Black? Possibly not as slimming as I once thought. I have lost weight, I mistakenly thought this would mean I wouldn’t have lumps.) I wrestled Kate into a swim diaper and rash guard – she was not thrilled. We got out the fun pool toys and I stepped in the pool as I put Kate down to stand in the water.

I yelped as she started crying. We leapt out of the pool. Hose water? Fucking cold. Since it was already 5pm by then there was no way it was going to warm up enough today. Maybe tomorrow. Right?

Except after half an hour the pool was most definitely a lot deflated. It seems there’s a small leak.

On the positive side, the water table I ordered her for her birthday has shipped and should arrive any day now.