Today I asked Den if we could go out for a quick dinner – nothing fancy or anything, just maybe a small local place. We ended up somewhere we’ve never been in before, even though it’s 5 minutes from our house. I looked over the menu for a long time, eying the sandwiches and wraps, but finally ended up ordering a pasta dish with shrimp and bacon. I actually tend to like shrimp in my pasta. It did say olive oil, which didn’t sound too appetizing, but eh, I’ll try it.

I was eating my salad when it arrived. I hadn’t even looked up from my salad when suddenly I sat up straight, eyes wide.
“You okay?” Den asked.
“Something just smells…” I leaned an inch closer to my pasta dish and sniffed. I think I may have turned green. Shrimp has never smelled so seafoody. And the big chunks of fatty, greasy bacon, all mixed in with oil in the poor pasta. I gagged.
“Uhh… Are you going to be able to eat that?” He watched me cautiously.

I took a small bite of pasta with a tiny bit of shrimp. It didn’t taste too awful, honestly. But the smell, oh my god the smell. I sat up straight for a few minutes, breathing in slowly (and leaning away from the dish), before excusing myself to run to the bathroom. I didn’t throw up – as soon as I got in the bathroom with the overwhelming smell of soap instead of shrimp, I was fine. I heard Den talking to the waitress.

I returned to my seat as the waitress took the pasta dish away to wrap up. “It’ll all be worth it,” she chuckled to me. “We’ll get this all wrapped up so you don’t smell it.” Den told me he’d ordered me the turkey wrap I had been looking at on the menu. When it arrived I ate it (well, half of it) without incident. Some fries, too, they were good.

But for the drive home I put the wrapped food on the floor – and pushed it as far away as I could with my feet. I also opened the window a crack.

I have never, in two pregnancies, reacted that way to a smell – food or otherwise.

::

There is an infertility conference coming up this Saturday that I was interested in going to – unfortunately I work until noon on saturdays (and the one session that I really want to go to is before noon), and I am already pregnant. Me being pregnant would not be an obstacle for me, as I am still very much infertile and we hope/plan to go through IVF again in the future. But I’ve noticed when looking at the schedule that a large part of the sessions offered focus on things like sex and intimacy during treatments, alternative therapies, stress management. While these are all very important topics that I think many of us can use when going through treatments, it is not what I am looking for right now. (They also have some “what to expect in your IVF cycle” type sessions, which at this point for me is simply laughable. I could GIVE that seminar.)

Maybe I’m in the minority, but I want info. The one session I wanted to go to was “Choosing The Best Embryo: What happens in the lab, how embryologists and clinicians interact to make decisions to choose the best embryos for success, and the prevention of multiple births.” What I see in my mind when thinking about a conference all about IVF is information on all the latest technologies and protocols; how and why they do what they do in the lab; comparisons of different protocols. I want the data, the facts, the science. Skip the “how to feel better” – I can do that on my own. What I CAN’T do is easily decipher medical journals, or delve into clinic data and trends. I don’t just want to know how my lab is going to treat me – I want to know what protocols they won’t use, and why. I want to know why they decide on a 5-day or 3-day transfer.

But then I know I’m not a typical patient. I know that the typical person who goes to this conference is probably new to IF, confused, and looking for some kind of clarification and direction. So what the hell do you do when you are far past confused and directionless, but most obviously not at the level of a medical professional? I’m the “advanced” IVFer.

Honestly I still have thoughts of pursuing a career in the field – for far more reasons than “I already know far too much about it anyways” (though that helps). I find it all fascinating. Plus I’ve been there, too many times, on the table, on the other end. I know how absolutely imperative it is that forward progress continues to be made in this field. I’m one of the ones with a “unique” problem, one of the first few successfully a new protocol that may end up helping hundreds of others – I know what an amazing feeling it is to know that something I did could cause so much good for people in my position, fighting the same battle.

I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know if wanting to go into this field – IF/IVF/Pregnancy – is just one of those phases that will pass by, or if it’s something I should seriously consider. I’d be excited at the prospect of going back to school in the future – if it didn’t cost so damn much that I don’t even know if it’s possible.

I know I want to keep learning – for my own sake, for others.

It’s too bad I can’t go to that conference.

How far along? 11 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 131.2 (-0.2 week) (+1.0 total)

Maternity clothes? I am wearing some over-belly pants now, along with my under-belly. I’m not in maternity shirts though, I just bought some longer sweaters.

Stretch marks? Nope.

Sleep: Usually pretty good – other than the vivid dreams and waking up drenched in sweat every morning. Peeing at 2am every morning still.

Best moment this week: Seeing my baby again! Oh my gosh, 10 weeks is amazing, it looks so much like a baby now, rather than a blob!

Movement: Not feeling any, but I saw it moving on the ultrasound!

Food cravings/aversions: Craving candy and sweets more and more – I really need to stay on top of it to prevent myself from putting on 50lbs in candy weight! Chicken is turning me off, but I’m missing deli meats in a bad way. Fruits and veggies are big hits too – especially veggies with peanut butter or ranch dressing.

Belly Button in or out? In, but stretched.

What I miss: Eating without worrying if I’m going to puke it back up!

What I am looking forward to: My 12-week ultrasound next week! I really want to see baby again.

Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy the brief breaks in nausea as much as you can without freaking out that symptoms are disappearing. Because IT COMES BACK.

Milestones: Saw the baby move on ultrasound!

Symptoms: Still a lot of nausea, though less than it was a few weeks ago, it’s not all day long every day. My boobs have now filled out my larger bras – I’ve been wearing them for a few weeks now because they stopped fitting into my smaller ones, but they weren’t completely filling them out until now. Also just this week I’ve noticed that my bra underwire is starting to bother me – my ribs must be starting to spread a little bit. I’m willing to bet the underwire isn’t going to lost longer than another couple weeks. My bloat belly is significant and makes me look clearly pregnant (at least after I eat). I still get leg cramps now and then, but not daily like I was. I get sharp twinges from my ligaments on either side of my belly if I turn the wrong way too fast. My face is oily and breaking out, especially across my forehead, but washing twice a day seems to be keeping on top of it, mostly. I also note that my wrists have started aching at night if I bend them – the beginnings of pregnancy carpal tunnel.

So tonight was my first water fitness class. It was pretty much what I was expecting – though it was in the big (read: COLDER) pool, instead of the nice warm kiddies swim lessons pool.

First lesson: DO NOT SHOWER BEFORE CLASS. This is because a) no one else showers, even though it clearly states all swimmers must shower before entering, and b) the class started late and there was a class in the pool before me so I had to stand there all wet and shivering for 10 minutes. (And NO the pool did not feel warmer after freezing my ass off – it was still cold.)

Next thing I noticed, once I got in the water and started doing the warm-up exercise (jogging on the spot) and started noticing things more than “Aggh! Cold!”: my belly bounces! My first thought was, holy crap, it’s so big already the baby is bouncing! And then I sadly realized… no, Natalie, that’s not the baby, that’s your belly fat bouncing. How did I know? Because my ass was bouncing too. Ugh. Ugh. Very distracting.

So we had a nice hour of bouncing around, moving our limbs, and generally behaving like extremely uncoordinated idiots. I swear, I think my baby looks more graceful. But I actually warmed up, and starting feeling my arms and legs aching a little bit – just enough to know I was, you know, actually using them. Baby steps, people.

It was when I got out that I was all like, ugh, my belly aches too. I rubbed it a little and then was like, WTF, why is it all firm? What is wrong with me?? Until I realized…. holy shit those are my stomach muscles I am feeling. Wait, I still have some? Seriously? (I came home and told Denis this story and he said with a very straight face, “Who’d you buy them from?” Ahahaha. Ha.)

And thus was the first episode in Natalie hasn’t exercised in nearly a year, because she claims she doesn’t want to mess up an IVF cycle but in reality she’s just a really lazy shit who has some paranoia issues.

::

Do I even mention how the morning went, when I discovered that I had the truck in the driveway (which I needed today) but couldn’t find the truck keys? And then realized I had left the truck keys IN THE CAR? Which was of course at my husband’s office with him all the way across town?

No. No, I think we’ll skip that one.

I know part of it is being among a bunch of women in their first trimester. But it’s more than that. There has been so much bad news lately. Some from people I just “met” online a couple of weeks ago, whom I know nothing about. In large due date clubs you unfortunately learn to expect miscarriages… it’s far too frequent. Now is the time that the “normal” pregnancies start having their first appointments, first check-ups…. and sadly some of them do not come home with good news.

But just as many have been with friends, people I’ve known since I lost Devin, since before I even conceived Devin. And those, those are rocking my world right now. Women who have already lost babies. I know loss is horrible no matter what, but fuck, how many times do some people need to go through it? Early labor, chromosomal defects, no heartbeat, blighted ovum…. shit, so many fucking things. I have sobbed for people I don’t even really talk to.

I am paranoid as hell today. I cling to good news like an anchor.

Tired.

Still nauseated, very nauseated.

Very thankful that I am nauseated, that I am still pregnant another day.

There are many days that I drape myself over the toilet, holding my hair back with one hand, tears running from my eyes from the force of my stomach, and still I say, “Thank you… thank you for telling me you are still there.

And I am very sorry that my eating choices have sucked lately. I’m doing what I can, given the circumstances.”

My first trimester screening ultrasound is on Monday morning. I’m trying to stay positive. Trying. I flicker back and forth between being anxious and being excited.

::

Apparently the Tuesday and Thursday classes of my water fitness class have different instructors. Tuesday was kind of fun, kind of silly, a lot of movement, but not a lot of work. Thursday kicked my ass. I don’t think we actually stopped moving for the entire hour. But that wasn’t the hard part. We did a lot of arm work above the water… you know, holding your arms to the sides, jumping jacks, little circles, twisting… all without ever dropping your arms. They felt like they were going to fall off. And then later in the program we grabbed water dumbbells (dumbbells made of styrofoam to resist water) and did weightlifting against the water pressure. My arms – biceps, triceps and deltoids – HURT.

Unfortunately we did not do much actual moving around in the water or swimming type exericise. More muscle work, less aerobic. End result: I froze to death! Near the end of that hour we were doing a cool-down where you stretch your muscles, and I was standing there going through the motions shivering. Then we got out of the water, and that was cold too. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it weren’t for my boobs. You know how when you get really cold your nipples poke out more and contract? Well they are sensitive right now to start with and that hurt like hell! A hot shower was the most wonderful thing in the world after that.

Can’t say I’m currently a huge fan of water fitness in the winter. Glad I’ll be missing every other Thursday (due to a rotating work schedule).

::

So in my exercise class I was reminded to take extra care with stretching too far and pulling something, as my ligaments are all looser than normal. I’ve been careful. Exercise class was fine.

But then last night I kept getting up to throw up (even though there was nothing to throw up). During one of those lovely sessions I must have pulled a ligament. Ow. I noticed it when walking out to my car in the morning, and then all day at work I was hobbling around. It was low in my belly, more to my left side (but some on the right as well), stretching down where my left leg attaches. I even took some tylenol today – I don’t normally take anything for aches and pains. If I feel something is “off” I like to sit and figure out where it’s coming from, and use the pain to tell me what to do to let it heal. This time I knew exactly what it was, and unfortunately I was at work so I couldn’t just lay down.

By the time I came home the tylenol had worn off so I ate some food and took a nap. Thankfully I woke up feeling much better, at least there. Even when I know what it is, it’s still disconcerting to have any kind of pain around the belly region.

::

I think hormonal is a good word for me right now. I’ve been feeling very bitchy, very cranky. I think I’ve mostly managed to keep it under wraps until I can vent to Den about all the stupid shit of the day. Normally things don’t bother me half this much, but the last few days have just been cranky. The way people say things, how my drawer keeps sliding open, the dog barking, the cat following me around…. I wish I had some kind of warning sign so everyone would give me a wide berth. I hate feeling like this! I greatly prefer feeling all peaceful and serene, but it is so not happening right now.

Tomorrow morning is my ultrasound, and as usual I’m feeling very anxious about it. Even though I feel fine, I feel pregnant, I have nothing of concern.

I was thinking last night about how the worst moments of your life are preserved in memory with such perfect accuracy. The moments I would give anything to forget. But that ultrasound is so clear in my memory, and when I least want it to it plays in my head over and over. Not just from an outside view, either, but as if I’m sitting there again. As if I’ve lost the ability to breathe again.

That’s what is so terrifying about ultrasounds. The future anticipation and past memories overlap, blurring, becoming entangled in each other. It’s so hard to see this as its own thing, separate.

It wouldn’t be so bad if it was elsewhere, but tomorrow’s ultrasound, the first trimister screening, is at the ultrasound center in the hospital – the place all my later ultrasounds were with Devin. The place where I found out he was gone. I haven’t been in or near that place since then, and though it’s been 20 months it feels like yesterday. I knew that the first tri screening would be there, and I’ve mentioned it when people asked, but it wasn’t until this afternoon that it really hit me – when the anxiety started knocking.

I hope I can sleep well tonight. I really just don’t even want to think about it. Unlike when I was pregnant with Devin, I don’t go around happily telling people about my next appointment, next ultrasound. I just try to block it out of my mind until I’m there.

I can breathe again! And dance around in joy!

I had horrible heartburn all night, and nausea this morning, so we drove in feeling fairly confident, mentally, that I am still very pregnant. Unfortunately fears aren’t always all that reasonable. Sitting in that waiting room was still hard, my hands were slightly clammy and shaky, I could feel my chest getting tight. It wasn’t a huge panic attack or anything, just a bit of anxiety. I turned to Den and said with a small laugh, “Good thing I have lots of experience dealing with anxiety.” I reminded myself of the GOOD ultrasounds I had there with Devin and waited.

Very thankfully they called us into a room I’ve never been in before. I’m still so shocked that at only 12 weeks they can have me jump up on the bed, have them squirt the warm gel on my belly, and actually see the baby from a trans-abdominal scan! It took a little bit to scan around, she ended up with the probe on my right side, but there baby was. I held my breath until I saw it definitely move, kicking its legs. And there was the heart flicker, which she measured at 150bpm and we heard out loud through the speakers. I let out a huge sigh of relief then and relaxed.

She was very brisk, very task-oriented, very quick in her movements, so I didn’t get much time just watching the baby move around. And she didn’t even attempt to peek between the legs, and I didn’t ask her to – I’d rather wait a few more weeks to be more sure. But the NT measurement was nice and small, just like they want to see it, and we did get some precious profile pics.

And just to compare, this is Devin at 12w4d. Look how similar the pics are! (I realize all of them probably look alike at this point, but it’s still heartwarming to see!)

The whole thing just stuns and amazes me. Every day. Now that it’s looking like a real honest baby I think it’s easier for me to relax a bit. I swear the first few early ultrasounds I’d see the blob and the heartbeat, but couldn’t stop thinking, How on earth is this shapeless blob going to turn into a BABY?! It’s just so absolutely unfathomable. And yet there it is, a baby, kicking in my belly. It’s so freaking crazy. And I am so absolutely in love.

The anticipation of an ultrasound is really hard. The anxiety can get pretty thick. But the payoff – a good ultrasound showing a live, healthy baby – is so worth it. I have been so happy today, so full of joy and excitement. Every time we confirm the baby is still alive I think, maybe this will work. Maybe this one will live. And for a little while I actually entertain notions of birthing this baby, of holding him or her in my arms, of watching my husband hold his child. Hope lives alongside this baby. And I need confirmation that it’s still living – that there’s still reason to hope.

A loss changes the way you view your life. You walk into every appointment not knowing what the outcome is going to be – and you see both options very clearly. There are no assumptions. Lots of hopes, lots of, “Well, it SHOULD be fine…” but you’re never really quite sure. You can’t take it for granted anymore, you’ve been on the other side. But when you do walk out of a completely normal appointment with a picture of your little one and no bad news you feel like you just won the lottery. You go to bed at night thankful that you made it one more day.

I’m still struggling to get used to the idea of me carrying my second child. It still seems unfathomable. I remember so clearly my time with Devin – and I never had a day’s problem accepting that I was pregnant with my first child. So now, to be pregnant again, with another baby, a different baby… not Devin. My brain is still trying to catch up. I can’t say I feel dissociated from this little one – I certainly feel emotionally overwhelmed when I look at his/her picture. But there is some holding back of my heart, some wariness, some caution that didn’t exist last time. I feel pregnant, with all the nausea, but yet I can’t feel the baby at all. It’s just so weird to know that you’re carrying this living being inside you where you can’t see it, can’t feel it. I want to be able to see some limbs sticking out, to feel some movement. It still feels like a little ghost inside me.

I’m really struggling to put into words all that I feel this time around. I’m overwhelmed. With fear, with joy, with sadness – and it’s all wound together, there are no clear cut lines.

But today I am happy.

I twitter about them now and then, but I rarely post about them. We have four pets: two dogs, two cats. (We also have one foster kitten who totally cracks me up right now.) It’s always interesting to hear how peoples’ pets react to a pregnancy.

One dog, Zeeke the Shepherd, has definitely noticed that I’m pregnant, like he did when I was pregnant with Devin. It was a slow change over the first month, but he’s definitely seemed more attached to me, more protective of me. He tends to sleep at night curled up right next to me, with his chin on my hip, as if he’s watching over me. It’s really quite sweet. (In general he is my husband’s dog 100% and while he likes me just fine he’s not usually all too affectionate to me – he tends rather bark at me, asking me “Where’s daddy??”)

The other dog is, as usual, completely clueless. I absolutely adore my little Zoe girl, but she’s a complete ditz.

One cat, Merlin, has noticed that I am far bitchier than usual. Plus, I’m playing with the foster kitten a lot. He doesn’t like this. He currently is on the bed next to me – but with his ass end facing me. On purpose.

The other cat, Jo, does actually seem to be a little bit more cuddly than usual – but I can’t tell if it’s because he notices something, if he’s reacting to my different attitude, or if it’s just his whim. He tends to whims. But I really do appreciate the cuddles. He’s the only pet in the house that will curl up on or next to my lap and just lay there for an extended period without wiggling, licking, pacing or fidgeting. It’s a trait I really appreciate.

So all in all, not really much of a change other than Zeeke. He’s always been the most astute one of the bunch.

::

It was 2 1/2 weeks ago that I mentioned maybe feeling the top of my uterus. I’ve been checking infrequently, feeling a little bit, maybe. Well last night I checked again. Holy! There it is. Like, poof, suddenly it’s coming out of my pelvis. I got really excited that I could feel it clearly – it makes it all feel a little more tangible now that I can reach down and actually physically feel something there. I really can’t wait until it gets larger still and my belly gets firm, rather than the flabby belly I have now.

::

I have no work tomorrow – a real holiday for me! A day off! I can sleep in, I can stay up as late as I want to….. and all I want to do is go to bed. I’m waiting eagerly for this energy people are talking about. My house desperately needs to get cleaned.