Some days are good days. Some days are not-so-good days. Yesterday was one of those not-so-good days. And really it was for no apparent reason, except maybe not enough sleep. I tried to sleep in to catch up, but the dogs were not about to let a good day of barking go to waste, so I ended up getting much more frustration than sleep for many hours, and finally storming off in a temper fit. (Den was out for the day, so he was not there to rescue me.)

After that somehow I ended up melting down. But not about the baby. No, it’s been a good week with the baby, I’m feeling fine and still slightly nauseated all day. For some crack-ass reason my mind decided it would be a great idea to fixate on my maternity leave and benefits and have a huge effing meltdown about it. Part of me was sitting here saying, “Dude, that is SEVEN MONTHS away and a lot can change between now and then, why are we freaking out about this?” But it didn’t matter. There was a part of me that was hellbent on having a meltdown, goddamnit, and that was the topic today.

Now I’m not going to go into all the details in this here public blog, so I know no one can help me figure it out, but thankfully after shrieking to some friends for a little while I started thinking about what I could look into rather than simply why I was fucked. So now Den and I have questions for our respective HR departments and hopefully somewhere in there will be a glowy, happy answer that will make my entire freakout look completely pointless.

Good times, good times.

I know I’m late, but hang in there with me. This one is from last week.

How far along? 9 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 129.4 (-2.0 week) (-0.8 total)

Maternity clothes? Yep, pants, same as before.

Stretch marks? Nada.

Sleep: Crappy. The getting up to pee I can handle, but it’s the nausea keeping me up all night that is making me wicked cranky.

Best moment this week: I don’t know, was there a best moment? The ultrasound, probably. Seeing that the bubs is growing.

Movement: Nope, unless you count the indigestion gurgles.

Food cravings/aversions: What am I eating this week… Grilled cheese. A tiny bit of milk. Yogurt. Fruits. Some candy (oops).

Belly Button in or out? In, but getting flattened and stretched already.

What I miss: Not having freak-outs and bleeding episodes.

What I am looking forward to: Feeling movement so I can stop freaking out.

Weekly Wisdom: Unless the bleeding continues and is accompanied by cramps, everything is probably okay. Probably.

Milestones: Fourth ultrasound. Yeah. Also, told Den’s family the news.

Symptoms: Nausea nausea nausea. Not a lot of throwing up anymore, just feeling miserable. Then there’s the calf cramps I got all week (had to stop wearing any heels at all), the massively bad constipation, breaking out on my forehead, dry straw-like hair…. maybe that’s it. For now.

How far along? 10 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: 131.4 (+2.0 week) (+1.2 total) – note last week was quite low, this week is back to where I was, so not really a big change

Maternity clothes? All maternity pants. This week I’m preferring the over-belly style, the under-belly was feeling a bit uncomfortable.

Stretch marks? Nope.

Sleep: Better lately. Still a little restless, some nausea at nights (that one sucks), and a ton of wicked vivid dreams. Not about the baby, just random, weird dreams every single night.

Best moment this week:

Movement:

Food cravings/aversions: Okay. Craving chocolates and cookies. The sweet tooth is baaccckkkk. With Devin it didn’t return until my third tri, soooo this doesn’t bode well for keeping my weight gain down! Also eating a ton of oat nut bread, fruits, soups, cheese sandwiches.

Belly Button in or out? Innie

What I miss: Not living on 10 pills a day. Oh, wait, that’s been my life for years now.

What I am looking forward to: Getting a bigger belly. I’m lovin’ it.

Weekly Wisdom: Calm, uneventful weeks really are the best ones.

Milestones: 10 weeks, double digits!

Symptoms: Nausea still going strong. (Tuesdays for some reason are always a terrible day for nausea.) Not throwing up food though… just feeling gross all day and dry heaving. The leg cramps haven’t bothered me this week, but I know those will come back later. Face is breaking out. My breathing, did I mention that part? For weeks now it has felt like my lung capacity was cut in half… I’m wheezing at the top of the stairs. My tongue tastes funny… well, everything tastes funny, for that matter. I’ve got the mucous discharge thing going on, whoopdie-doo. Intestines and bowels still very slow moving. The belly is getting more pronounced, though it still feels like a lot of bloating. I’m a little edgy and emotional this past week, overreactive. Not weepy… bitchy.

(Look for the 10 week picture in the belly pics page sometime tomorrow evening or thursday.)

Today was a beautiful, beautiful day. I got to see my baby again.

So today I am 10 weeks and 1 day, for my first OB appointment that involves an actual exam.

First a nurse brought me back to an exam room, had me pee in a cup and disrobe. She walks in and cheerfully asks, “Is this your first?” “No.” “Ohhh, you’ll have a houseful!” “No,” I answered again. She looked confused. I gestured to the file and wryly added, “First was stillborn.” “Oh….” Know how everyone mentions the big red sticker we should have on our charts? Why don’t they do that? But anyways, it didn’t upset me, just had me rolling my eyes. She took my BP (which was low, considering the anxiety involved in doctors appointments!) and my weight, asked about last pap. I told her how I’ve had a previous loss, I’ve had bleeding, I would prefer if no one messed around down there. No problems with that, she said they can always do it later.

Obviously she briefed the NP before she came in, I heard her rifling through my chart. No more incidents of that nature for the day. She introduced herself, asked about flu shots, did a quick breast exam. She said she knew I didn’t want a pap, and that was fine.

So then she mentioned trying with the doppler. “It’s very early,” she said, “but we might get lucky.” I know it’s really early.
“Just to warn you, if you can’t find it with the doppler, you’re going to have to send me over to reproductive for a quick scan.”
“Well, she might not be there, but we’ll see what we can do… hopefully we won’t need her!”
Uh-huh.

So she brings in the doppler on a cart thing, goops my belly, puts it down and starts searching around. Nope, nope, nope. Found a heartbeat…. she actually thought it might be the baby’s, it was almost fast enough (but I knew not fast enough), but of course she checked and that was MY heart that was racing. Did that a couple more times. My heartrate was wicked high. I didn’t feel panicky, but I could definitely feel the anxiety closing in. Too many memories of searching futilely for a heartbeat that was no longer there. I decided I really don’t like dopplers. So she says she’ll stop putting me through this any longer, told me to get dressed, and went off in search of the u/s tech.

And then another nurse came in to give me my h1n1 vaccine. I really couldn’t concentrate on shit right then. I watched as she pinched my arm and darted the needle in. “You didn’t even flinch!” I laughed at that. Needles don’t make me flinch anymore.

Finally the tech came to get me and lead me into one of the reproductive rooms with an ultrasound machine. “You know everything’s going to be fine, right?” she said with a smile. “Yep,” I replied. “I just need to see it.”

Cervix first, it’s looking as lovely as cervices can look in pregnancy – long and closed.

And then there baby was. Head, body, little limbs. It wiggled back and forth and turned over. I saw an arm move, a foot move. She pointed out the little bones forming. You could SEE them. Toes, little individual fingers, ribs, spine. So freaking amazing it is beyond words. I am absolutely amazed at the difference just 2 weeks makes. At 8 weeks it was just a little shapeless blob with buds. Now you can see it all forming, becoming a person, becoming a real baby. My eyes teared up. I could have layed there for hours watching the little one moving around. In fact I was so overwhelmed I didn’t even pay attention to the heart rate or CRL or anything! The heart is definitely beating, and baby has most definitely grown!

This is why I’m going through hell… and why I’ll go through it again and again.

Last night was our friend’s annual halloween costume party. Just getting a costume was a major pain in the ass this year. I of course had some whimsical idea of making a costume, but with how exhausted I’ve been that just didn’t come close to happening. Instead I found myself the day before the party in the mall, searching and being appalled. First of all, I’m am NOT fitting into any of THOSE costumes. And secondly, they are HOW much for a few pieces of cheap fabric?? Bite me. So I ended up going with my backup plan, buying cat ears and a tail, dressing in black, and painting my face. Meow. Much more comfortable.

I also took a nap before going, because I was sleep-deprived and very cranky. I told Den if he didn’t let me take a nap he’d want to send me home after half an hour. He wisely decided we could show up late to the party. It turned out to be a very good decision – I was actually in a good mood all evening! And we were able to stay until 10pm, when I really started to wilt.

It is very interesting being social now that we are “out” and I have a visible belly. We got a lot of very heartfelt congratulations and asking how I was feeling. It was so joyful, so celebratory.

But there were a lot of people we don’t really know very well, so we also got some, “Is this your first??” It’s so hard, because I honestly didn’t feel like bringing up a stillbirth last night. I was too happy, everyone was so excited, and I just didn’t want to throw cold water on it. After a pause Den and I said, “Yes…” and left it at that. The people around us who know the story just politely looked away and let us decide how to handle it. The moment was quickly forgotten by everyone else.

There were two other pregnant women there, and one with a 5 week old. We ended up sitting and chit-chatting about pregnancy, laughing over the silly things, bemoaning the nausea, and comparing to previous pregnancies – the other two pregnant women were also on their second pregnancy. I easily talk about my pregnancy with Devin in such a normal manner, and I just can’t – or maybe won’t – censor myself and pretend that it never happened, not in situations like that. One of them looked at me with maybe the tiniest bit of confusion in her eyes and said, “Is this your first?” “No, not my first pregnancy.” I honestly have no idea what she took it as – maybe she thought she was just confused and must have my older child with a babysitter tonight. Or maybe she took my subtle truth for what it was. I don’t know. I didn’t elaborate, and she didn’t ask me to.

Despite all that I did enjoy myself. I felt normal for a little while, joining in on the chit chat and laughing at the small childrens’ antics. Those who know our story are just so absolutely giddy at the fact that I am pregnant; those who don’t thought I was just a happy, normal pregnant woman. It was a night where I could almost forget, almost just relax and enjoy life. I felt happy, really really happy.

But it’s also so confusing. I looked around the room at all the happy parents, the children running, the pregnant bellies and newborn sleeping. I came home and just… wondered. How on earth does everyone else just go on about their lives as if it’s the most normal thing to have a baby? How are so many babies just conceived and born so easily, ending up walking and talking like it’s no big deal that this big fucking miracle occurred? While I can pretend for an evening that I am normal, I am not. I am wearing a costume at this party, a normal pregnant woman costume, but I come home and take it off. I walked over to Devin’s shelf and looked at his pictures. That is my normal. Dead babies and medical interventions. One of the pregnant women said how easy her second pregnancy has been, since she’s done it all before and knows what to expect. I didn’t respond. I didn’t tell her that my second pregnancy has been fucking terrifying.

Maybe next year we’ll be one of the lucky ones. Maybe we’ll be the ones holding the baby. I looked at those children and knew it was possible. It happens every day – normal babies, normal pregnancies. I have to believe it can and will be for me too.