Just to say, my butt is quite sore today. I was limping a little bit just to try to not aggravate it further. There’s no visible bruise or anything, it’s just… sore. I cannot imagine doing IM shots every day.

::

To answer a few questions that I have gotten…

Shilpa asked, “if you have more than 1 embie, will you transfer more than 1?” (And I have gotten this question a lot, from many different people in different places.)

I do plan to transfer only one again. One GOOD one. My reasons span many different areas of concern, but it boils down to a couple of main things:
* I know I can get pregnant from a single embryo transfer. I personally don’t think putting back more than one increases our chance of success very much at all – from my data and experience I think the overall quality of that cycle batch is what decides whether or not I will get pregnant, whether there is one or three. Last cycle had we put back the second one I am absolutely positive it still would have resulted in a BFN. (But on the flip side, if it IS a good batch then I am pretty certain it would be twins.)
* Twins does significantly increase the risk of pregnancy loss. Having been through a horrific loss already the thought of increasing my risk scares me shitless.
* Also, I really wants a frosty or two for next time. And I think this, too, depends on the egg quality of the batch… I firmly believe that last cycle the spare embryo didn’t freeze because it wasn’t good all around. What I really really want is one sticky embryo growing inside me and several really good ones on ice for next time.

G asked, “How do you escape the IM PIOs?”

That is a stroke of luck, I tell you!! My clinic does progesterone suppositories for most of their patients, unless a patient has a specific need for more progesterone. And their numbers are comparable to other clinics, so obviously it works well! Thankfully my history has shown progesterone to not be an issue with me – the suppository easily supported my last pregnancy – so I get to keep doing that instead of PIO. I am very, very thankful.

::

Retrieval in the morning! I am excited. I’m always excited before retrieval. I get warm blankets and to be all fuzzy and knocked out (yes, I actually like that), and I get to find out what’s hiding inside of me. Okay, well that part is more nervewracking than exciting, but it kind of adds to the whole twitchy feeling of the night before retrieval.

Last night I could barely sleep… I was hyped up on adrenaline. I opened my laptop for a couple hours, just to try to distract myself until I got somewhat sleepy. So I managed a few hours of sleep… and then slept in so that I didn’t have enough time to wash my hair. Oh well, that’s what hair nets are for in surgery, right?

We arrived right at 8pm, I got changed into the surgical gown and into bed. Then they started the incessant questions and paperwork. I feel bad for them, really – that is a lot of paperwork! And they have to arrange it all in a particular way so the doctors can just walk in, check through it, and walk off.

I mentioned working full-time and the nurse asked me what I do. I, without thinking, answered truthfully: part-time as a bank teller, part time as the assistant manager of a animal rescue organization. BAD IDEA, NATALIE. I do this every time, and every time Den and I want to kick my ass, because this always triggers a 20-minute discussion about cats – one that I don’t particularly feel like having while waiting for surgery. And why is it that the conversations always involve their cat who ran away, got eaten, hit by a car, they want to get rid of, etc etc. It inevitably leaves me biting my tongue. After the nurse left my little cubicle Den hissed at me, “I was trying to get your attention to say NOOOO don’t say it, but you said it anyways!” I am stupid. Next time, duct tape my mouth shut please.

The two nurses were talking a lot over the equipment for starting IV… something about the needles and tape and such. I was starting to shoot Den some panicked looks, like, this is not boding well. A little bit later they got to starting my IV. She looked at the vein in my left hand, tapping it and humming and hawing. A little novocaine, the needle went in… and that was IT. It was my best IV start yet!! I barely felt a thing, it started right away, and I had no problems the rest of the day. It was fantastic!!

A woman came by and introduced herself as being from research. She said that she knows my history of having a lot of immature eggs, and would I be willing to join a study? The study is about IVM – in vitro maturation, a technique which currently does not have a very good success rate (and thus is not covered by my insurance, in case you were wondering why we haven’t gone that route). They want to study immature eggs to figure out why they don’t have good success in the lab, to hopefully make it a viable solution for people like me. So Den and I said, “Yes, sir!” and gleefully signed the consents. Like Den said to me privately, it’s kind of neat to be on the leading edge of stuff… trying experimental things and helping pave the way for future women like me. Maybe in 10 years they will have some actual protocols for addressing this issue so they aren’t just shooting in the dark.

When the doctor arrived and got changed it was time to get into the OR. I left Den with my blackberry so he could peruse the news while bored and waiting, and I waddled off with the back of my gown clutched shut, IV bag held by the anesthesiologist. Same as always… lay down, arms on the wings, legs in the big stirrups. No stinging in the IV hand this time, just that things started to go a little blurry… and then a lot blurry… and then I was out.

When I woke up Den told me they got 25 eggs out of me. That was more than I was hoping for – I was aiming for about 20. I just worry because my very first cycle we had 24 retrieved, my successful cycle we had 13 retrieved. But 25 is a good number still. I twittered from my blackberry and then we were on our way.

Before we left I asked if the nurse could check on how many eggs were mature and let me know today. Since, you know, waiting is freaking torture.

We stopped for breakfast on the way home (I was still feeling a tad bit tipsy from the anesthesia, but not too bad). Tasted awesome. Ohhhh food after surgery is fantastic.

Den had to go to work, so he just dropped me off at home and left for his meetings. I went straight to bed! Whether from the anesthesia or my lack of sleep last night, or some combo of the two, I was exhausted! I carefully put my phone (making sure the ringer was ON) on the pillow beside me and fell asleep, expecting to be woken up by a call.

Instead I was woken up by the sound of a dog puking (maybe after this she’ll stop eating the plastic plant containers in the basement? Probably not). And no phone call. I looked at the clock, 3pm. Should I call them? They probably forgot. But then I thought, what if they haven’t called me because they can’t find any good ones and they’re desperately trying to find some before calling me? My mind can imagine a lot of bad news without much help. I called and left a message… could they please find out from the lab how it’s looking?

A few minutes later my phone rang. I answered it. It was one of the nurses. “I just called down to the lab. They’re still looking at some of the immature ones to see if they will be able to ICSI them later, (my heart starts pounding)… There were 5 eggs able to be ICSI’d right away, and then a little after that they were able to ICSI 2 more.”

All I could say was, “Holy crap!”

WE HAVE 7 MATURE EGGS AND THEY MAY HAVE SOME MORE LATER!!!!!

I thanked her profusely, hung up the phone, and burst into tears. 7. SEVEN. That’s 28%!!! Every one of my previous cycles has had an 8% maturity rate. This more than TRIPLED the number of mature eggs I normally have!! Oh my GOD.

I am still crying. I can’t wait until Den gets home so I can give him the news. I already called Kel to tell her. This is just unbelievable. I really really never expected that this was even POSSIBLE from my body.

Tomorrow I find out how many of them fertilized… I don’t expect it will be all of them, but it looks like we will have some good frostie candidates this time!!! WOW!!!

I am still just… glowing. A reserved glow, to be sure – fertilization results are yet to come – but oh my gosh there are just not words to describe what elation I feel.

Our first cycle we anticipated “normal” and were blindsided.
Our second cycle we were promised ICSI would solve it. It didn’t. We were shocked and confused.
Our third cycle we changed trigger protocol and I carried some hope again, but I was disappointed.
So it’s not hard to imagine why I just laughed at this cycle. I had been down that road of hope before. You won’t fool me again – I had more or less come to terms with the expected result. I wasn’t angry or dissapointed at the thought of just a couple of mature eggs… just resigned. It is what it is. Yes, we’re trying something new again. But it won’t work.

So to get this news… to see my hopes finally materialize… it is shocking, amazing. I just can’t believe that after all this time that we’ve finally found something that works. I mean, that’s the truly amazing part. Not so much the numbers or the increased odds, but the fact that we took something that had no solution and found something that worked.

Of course we don’t really know what part of the protocol was the key part: was it the all-menopur stimming, or the IM trigger shot? As Den said, “Well we’ll never find out, because next time – if there is a next time – you’ll be doing both again!!” Indeed!

And then, yes, the bigger picture… what this could mean for our fertility future. This could mean several frozen embryos. Hell, if enough fertilize this could even mean a transfer with blasts on day 5, giving us an even better chance at selecting the best one to put back. My ideal hope has always been to get pregnant from a single embryo transfer, with several frozen “siblings” to transfer for the next child. Den says “don’t put the cart before the horse,” but at this point we actually stand a chance at achieving that.

Den is feeling encouraged, but he’s also very guarded right now, waiting for the fertilization report. We don’t take anything for granted, and while our fert rate should be good… having that many embryos really still seems far-fetched. He’s scared, and I totally get that. We won’t know until tomorrow when I get that phone call. (And then we hold our breath until transfer, and then until our freeze report, and then until a pregnancy test. Cycling always makes me feel like I can’t breathe. Everything after starting stims is just so nervewracking.)

I’m really trying not to think about it, because I don’t want to fret myself into a corner… I’d really like to just savor this small victory for today… and hope it turns into an even bigger one.

And the call says….. We have six embryos!!!!! They were able to ICSI 8 mature eggs (freaking amazing) and this morning we have 6 fertilized embryos! I feel like I have been dropped into someone else’s life. This is truly amazing. I thought my fertilization rate would be good – it always has been – but it just seemed like too much to possibly hope for.

First of all I want to say just how amazing all of my friends are. When I found out the fertilization news the first thing I wanted to do was post it everywhere. And then at the end of the day I was incredibly antsy to be able to check my twitter, blog and forums for all the responses. Everyone is so! Very! Happy! and it’s just exciting to be able to celebrate with people who truly get it.

IVF is such a mystery to so many people – even (maybe especially) family – and as much as I try to explain how huge this news is, they can only sort of appreciate it. They know we’re excited, and that makes them excited, but… they don’t really get how aweful 2 mature eggs per cycle is. I can’t blame them – I mean, IVF is a big weird mystery to them. They don’t know if 12 is any more normal than 2. So when I tell them my numbers they always hesitate for a moment and say, “Is that good?” Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy I’m including family in our journey and that we get to educate people on the ins and outs of IVF… but there really is something to be said for being able to send an email to my best friend that only says “Six embryos!!!” and for her to shriek out loud and say, “OMG OMG OMG!!!!” No explanation needed. (No words, either, really. I think, were we talking in person rather than email, the entire conversation may very well have been coposed of squeals of different pitches pictuated by hysterical laughter and a random shout of “Six!!!”)

After my initial excitement I think I kind of sunk into a state of disbelief. It was a weird, weird day for me… being at work around people who sort of know what we’re going through but don’t really understand fully, dealing with customers who have no clue at all what I’m going through… it was just a weird feeling. It was like I was split in two… the cycling me, and the working me.

Of course it didn’t help that I forgot to take my meds last night – since I didn’t have to take any cycle protocol shots or meds or anything yesterday I forgot to take my prenatal and antidepressant. What I have learned is that even on a day when you recieve some of the best news ever, without antidepressants I can still be in quite a grouchy mood. It didn’t really help with the feeling of being totally separated from my IVF life. How could I be so impatient with the small, insignificant things? But, alas. Life continues moving, even when I just want to stand still and tap out emails on my blackberry all day long.

::

I actually got some more exciting news today. When I got the call about fertilization she said to be at the clinic at 9:30am on Sunday for my transfer. I called and – after telling them how thrilled and over the moon we are about fertilization – asked if there was any chance we’d go to day 5. I’ve never been close to being allowed to go to day 5, so I really had no clue what their requirements and procedures are.

The nurse told me that for women under 35 (of which group I fall into) the lab’s requirement is 4 top-grade embryos on day 3. She said they have been monitoring the embryos at specific times today, and then on Sunday morning they will again evaluate them all. If we have enough that qualify as top-grade then they let them go to blast before transferring on Tuesday. We really have a shot at that!

We will be putting one embryo back regardless of which day it is, and all the remaining embryos will be cultured to blast before being frozen (or discarded, if they do not meet the criteria). So really the only thing a 5 day transfer will affect is the embryo they choose to transfer. Waiting gives them a better chance to evaluate them and choose the best one… it increases the pregancy rate. I am really really hoping to go to blast – but if we end up with a 3 day transfer I don’t think I’ll be too upset. I just hope we get a couple that culture well enough to freeze!

So we wait until Sunday morning, she said they will call either way – to let us know to come in Sunday, or wait until Tuesday. So that’s the next big piece of news I’m holding my breath for.

Last cycle our leftover didn’t make it to blast so I do worry about taking that step… but I was major overstimmed and it’s pretty obvious the quality of the embryos weren’t all that great. I keep reminding myself that this time my stimming was beautiful and controlled… they should be much better this time!

::

Physically… well. How is it that every cycle I forget how ick I felt after retrieval? Actually… IVF#2 I don’t remember feeling too ick. Bloated, yes… but not really sore. Probably because I only had 13 eggs that time. Which was really fantastic timing, since between retrieval and transfer we were on vacation in Boston, touring on foot.

But yeah, not feeling so great today. My midsection feels tender… simple things like pushing away from my desk makes me say “oomph.” No cramping or pain or anything today… just a little bit of twinging from the ovaries, which is normal. I did have some blood this morning though. Which was kind of funny in a not-funny way, because I was like, “OMFG, blood!!” and then realized that a) I have no embryos inside me yet and b) I just had surgery down there. So I quickly regained reality and chilled out. But not such a great moment.

The progesterone is gross, just to let you know. I forgot about that, too… maybe I just blocked it out. Suppositories all leak back out throughout the day… ick ick and ick.

And also, still having hot flashes. Or, maybe not hot “flashes,” but rather “a sustained period of feeling warm.” It is winter, people. Natalie does NOT feel warm in winter unless covered with a million blankets, a couple cats, and an overheating laptop – and even then my hands tend to be frozen. And here I am wearing 3/4 sleeves to work. This is… weird. It’s the hormones, obviously. When I wasn’t cycling my hands were all cold. Now they’re fine. And I’m having to take off my third layer at work. It’s just insane, I tell you.

::

Only two more days until sunday and the next piece of the news puzzle. Dare we still hope for continued fantastic news?

I was reading the information for the research study that I mentioned on retrieval day. I just think that it’s fabulous that they are working on improving IVM. This procedure could help a lot of women like me. And I’m really happy to be able to help somehow, even if it’s just providing some immature eggs for them to look at.

Some of the paragraphs make me laugh, though. I especially love the line, “About 20% of all oocytes obtained at egg retrieval are discarded because they are immature.” Bwahahaha. 20%. That’s funny.

And that’s where the research and experimental protocols come in. I’m a numbers kind of girl, so let’s look at numbers.

IVF#1: 24 eggs, 2 mature = 8.3%
IVF#2: 13 eggs, 1 mature = 7.7%
IVF#3: 38 eggs, 3 mature = 7.9%
IVF#4: 25 eggs, 8 mature = 32.0%

Ummm, yeah. Wow. Seems I was pretty consistent on the old follistim protocol. This cycle pretty much blew them all out of the water! Guess I won’t be using follistim anymore. Menopur is my new one true love.

I doubt anyone really understands what’s really going on in there to cause this big jump. Maybe this cycle will shed some light on it for my doctor… but more likely his response will be, “Well, it worked! So we’ll keep doing it! But we have no idea why.” Obviously the FSH with a little bit of LH didn’t do much good… my ovaries need the LH, and lots of it. It’s certainly not normal.

I’m having a very hard time really believing that this has gone so well. I don’t feel as excited as I “should” – I was excited when we got the news, but now I’m bracing myself for tomorrow’s call and wondering if this is real. I said it pretty starkly before: I expected a positive pregnancy test far more than I ever expected a better maturation report like this. I mean, 6 embryos is practically.. normal!

::

My face is breaking out and my boobs hurt. Plus I’m really hungry, but every time I eat something I feel sick because I’m so bloated. Wheee, oh fun times. Gotta love IVF.

I actually did manage to sleep last night, but 6am I woke up. And when I say woke up, I mean my eyes popped wide open and my heart was beating loudly. No chance of sleep at all. I just layed there, thinking about the phone call that was yet to come. I figured they would call after 8, so another 2 hours to wait. It doesn’t matter what type of news you expect or hope for, just the fact that you will be getting some news is so anxiety-ridden. Always the fear.

I tossed and turned for 2 hours, playing with my blackberry a little bit. Den was half awake, too, but still managed to drift off to sleep time and again.

At 8 Den got up to go to the bathroom and start the shower. I layed in bed waiting. The phone rung.

It was someone from the lab, a perky, young female voice. “You will be doing a 5-day transfer on Tuesday, come in at 10:30 for an 11am transfer.”

I thanked her and hung up. I, errr, forgot to ask how many we had or how they were looking, or anything of the sort. I just said, “Oh wow! Okay! Thank you!!!”

And then I walked over to the bathroom door and knocked. “Hey Den? I think I’m just going to go back to bed.”
“No, you aren’t!” he shouted back through the door. “You’re taking a shower!”
“Nah,” I replied. “I’m just going to go back to bed.”
“… Why?”
“Because we’re doing a 5 day transfer!”

Of course then he asked how many we have and I said “I don’t know” and he was a little grouchy with me, LOL.

So we crawled back into bed for a little while, smiling at the ceiling. We have at least 4 top-grade embryos. We’re going to blast. We’re doing a 5-day transfer. Wow. Just… wow.

Oh, and this quickly solves the question of how many to put back – for a woman under 35 they only recommend transferring 1 blast. And it has a higher pregnancy rate than 1 day-3.

We’re going to blast, baby!!!

A week and a half ago a care package arrived for me from a friend. I don’t know where she found the items, but they were perfect… bath powder, a chocolate bar called “Instant Gratification,” incense sticks called “Hope”… and three candles in a package labelled “Miracles.” I lit the candles and an incense stick that night, resting in bed with my laptop in the glow of the candles.

I’m not exactly a spiritual person, to say the least. I can’t tell you that I believe that this gift is what brought good fortune to me – I simply don’t think life functions that way. But it all has a certain poetic feel to it.

I lit what’s left of the candles again tonight, to remind myself. There is joy in this world, there are good surprizes, there are so-called miracles.

::

I feel a glimmer of the old me coming back. Not just dogged desperation, but hope… and joy. A little bit of joy. Thankfulness.

I can look back on the year of pain and sorrow… I can recognize it, respect it, without really being mired in it. I feel much like I did after I got pregnant the first time. It’s not like the shit we went through to get pregnant magically disappeared, it’s not like a light switched and suddenly I was totally fine. I still hurt, at times. I was still angry. I was still scared. But that wasn’t all I was.

In a way I feel like I’m glad the last cycle happened the way it did. As emotionally draining as it was, it got me to this cycle. My second cycle we should have changed protocol, but we didn’t because the doctor thought ICSI would fix the problem. But I got pregnant. In a way, it worked. So when it came time to do IVF again we all thought just doing the exact same thing again was the best course of action. And it occurred to me today that if I had somehow gotten pregnant last cycle, despite everything that went wrong, we never would have figured out what protocol works for me. Next time we do IVF, for another child, we’ll probably be without insurance. Imagine where we would be then. All we would have known was the crap cycles I’d always had.

Last cycle was a huge kick in the pants to all of us. It told us: let’s try something new. And now look at where we are. We could have frozen embryos – good ones. But most of all we have hope. I was about ready to start seriously looking at donor eggs – I knew I couldn’t keep barely scraping through, hoping we got one good egg. And now look. 6 embryos. I still cry in joy and relief every time I think it.

There is a chance this cycle could still not get me pregnant, even with a perfect blast. But even if it doesn’t, it still will not be a failure. This cycle succeeded beyond my wildest expectations. It helped build me back up. It helped let me know that the unexpected joys are still possible, that there are good things in our future.

::

Transfer is in the morning at 11am. I am trying hard to stay positive. I still worry that there will be bad news. I debated calling today to ask them to check on them, but decided I could wait until tomorrow the final verdict. I decided I would just keep assuming there were 6 until informed otherwise (though I certainly don’t expect to still have 6 tomorrow).

In a way I like this process, but it does show me just how hard it will be when I get pregnant. Every few days a new update – an ultrasound, a bloodtest, an embryo report. This cycle has been amazing, but I still only spend a day really excited – then the next day I’m already worrying about the next step, the next news. It helps know that I could, if I wanted, call and ask them to check in with the embryos. Just let me know what’s going on, I could say. And they would. But then the embryo is placed carefully inside me and it’s lights-out for the duration.

I so look forward to the news tomorrow. I can only hope for continued good news.

We were worried that of the six embryos we wouldn’t have many making it to blast stage… we were both really sweating it this morning, wondering if we were going to get a phone call saying that nothing made it. The phone call never came, so we drove in.

Happily about halfway through the drive my valium started kicking in and I could feel my anxiety creep down several notches. When we got there the nurse got me situated in my bed, but she hadn’t heard any news from the lab so she had no idea.

People started trickling in… the ultrasound tech (whom I LOVE), one of the nurses, the doctor. They all looked excited. They all said, “I’m so excited to see you here today!!”

Someone said, “I spoke to the lab, and they sound very happy!” But no numbers yet. I got wheeled into the OR, warm towels wrapped around me (oohhhh I love the warm towels), and one of the embryologists from the lab came out with sheets of paper. She checked my bracelet, verified my name and date of birth, then pulled out the report card. 25 retrieved, 8 ICSI’d, 6 fertilized, 6 cultured to day 5…. 1 transferred on day 5, and 5 to be cultured to day 6 for possible freezing. Did you catch that? I did. “So there’s still six??” Yes. There are still SIX embryos – now blastocysts. She said some are a little behind, but that that’s pretty normal (especially since my eggs weren’t all ICSI’d right away), but that tomorrow they’ll see what meets freeze criteria.

And the one they’re transferring, they said, is “beautiful.” Ultrasound tech was beaming, everyone was just so thrilled for us that we were there today, on day 5, transferring a perfect looking blastocyst.

The ultrasound tech took a quick scan, measuring things that I couldn’t even see (seriously – she was drawing a little map of things that I couldn’t even tell were there!). There was a resident there observing, and asked if this was our first time. Ha, no. He asked if we’d ever gotten pregnant. I explained we had, but had a third trimester loss. So while I talked with the ultrasound tech Den answered some questions about Devin. (The Resident was very nice and didn’t give us some stupid speech, yay.)

And then the embryologist brought in the catheter with our little blastocyst in it. The catheter was carefully placed – I could see on the screen the little shiny tip showing exactly where it was. And poof, there it went. But instead of just a little blip on the screen like our previous transfers, this one streaked a little bit through my uterus. “A little shooting star,” the ultrasound tech said. “Sometimes they do that, sometimes they don’t.”

After being wheeled to recovery and updating twitter, Den and I thought, you know, that’s the random thing we’ve been waiting for to spark a name in our heads. It’s our little Shooting Star.

I layed in bed for 20 minutes, as is their procedure, and in that time people kept poking their head around the corner to congratulate us. They kept saying how fantastic this embryo looked. And the tech and nurse told us that the entire clinic – the lab, the nurses, the doctors – were all so absolutely thrilled with the news of my egg maturity and fertilization. You could tell, they were just beaming.

We were warned that their criteria for freezing embryos is very strict, so not to be surprized if very few or none actually get frozen – but the lab still thinks several of them are good contenders. I asked if they could call me tomorrow with the news… waiting for the mailed out sheet just sucks. So hopefully tomorrow we will have some more good news.

But, as they said, the most important thing was this, transferring one perfect, beautiful little blastocyst.

I go in on March 5 for my beta.

The nurse sounded happy on the phone. “This is the second-best call I’ve made this week!” she said. 2 frozen blasts of my 5 remaining, when they warned us we might not get any.

I admit, for a tiny split-second I was a little disappointed there weren’t more. Probably in large part because I guessed 3 and Den guessed 2, and he’s been right every. damn. time. this cycle. He guessed 25 eggs, 6 embryos, 2 frosties. I am not kidding. I want his crystal ball(s).

But then I hung up and said to myself HOLY CRAP WE HAVE FROZEN EMBRYOS. That was it, the crowning achievement – this cycle will officially go down in history as the Best Cycle Ever Imagined. First blastocyst transfer, first frosties, and obviously the best maturity rate EVER. This cycle is like My Cycle In Heaven. It’s unbelievable.

Our lab, as I said, only freezes the very BEST embryos. Their freeze rate is apparently very low… they warned us to not expect much, even with the number of blasts we had. So these two that we have frozen, they aren’t second-quality embryos that we could maybe throw in and see if they make it. We KNOW that they are equal in quality (or at least close to it) to the one we transferred this time. We have some fabulous, beautiful embryos frozen. For the next time… and the time after that.

This cycle produced THREE top quality embryos. Just stop and think about that for a minute. My previous cycles? Two embyos of questionable quality, or one embryo of really good quality (once). I was hoping and wishing for ONE really good one. I got three.

Our biggest hope is that I get pregnant with Shooting Star and then we can use our two frosty stars for future children. This is just the best position we could possibly be in. And in the event that this little Star doesn’t stick, we can put another one back in.

Either way, I am done with stims for some time. As much as we seem to have found something that worked for my eggs, it’s still hellishly stressful – to my mind and my body. Am I going to overstim? Are there going to be any quality eggs? Will they fertilize? Will I get OHSS? Will my body fuck up the timing of everything again? My body gets a break. I get a damn break. We have some known quantities now.

The nurse said this is the most excited and confident she’s ever been for me. Which would, I assume, include the cycle that I actually did get pregnant with a baby. So that’s quite something, isn’t it.

One week to wait. It’s going to be a long week… especially if things continue like today and I keep fucking up everything I touch at work. If I’m this bad now, how much more spaceheaded will I get when I’m actually pregnant?? Does not bode well for my work. All I wanted to do was get home and post about all of this and bask in the happy glow of a cycle going RIGHT.

I really enjoyed working the past 6 months because it gave me something to do other than think about what I was going through in my life. But right now? My life is going WELL. And I’d really LIKE to sit and think about it. Work kind of takes a second seat to happiness.