I am still just… glowing. A reserved glow, to be sure – fertilization results are yet to come – but oh my gosh there are just not words to describe what elation I feel.

Our first cycle we anticipated “normal” and were blindsided.
Our second cycle we were promised ICSI would solve it. It didn’t. We were shocked and confused.
Our third cycle we changed trigger protocol and I carried some hope again, but I was disappointed.
So it’s not hard to imagine why I just laughed at this cycle. I had been down that road of hope before. You won’t fool me again – I had more or less come to terms with the expected result. I wasn’t angry or dissapointed at the thought of just a couple of mature eggs… just resigned. It is what it is. Yes, we’re trying something new again. But it won’t work.

So to get this news… to see my hopes finally materialize… it is shocking, amazing. I just can’t believe that after all this time that we’ve finally found something that works. I mean, that’s the truly amazing part. Not so much the numbers or the increased odds, but the fact that we took something that had no solution and found something that worked.

Of course we don’t really know what part of the protocol was the key part: was it the all-menopur stimming, or the IM trigger shot? As Den said, “Well we’ll never find out, because next time – if there is a next time – you’ll be doing both again!!” Indeed!

And then, yes, the bigger picture… what this could mean for our fertility future. This could mean several frozen embryos. Hell, if enough fertilize this could even mean a transfer with blasts on day 5, giving us an even better chance at selecting the best one to put back. My ideal hope has always been to get pregnant from a single embryo transfer, with several frozen “siblings” to transfer for the next child. Den says “don’t put the cart before the horse,” but at this point we actually stand a chance at achieving that.

Den is feeling encouraged, but he’s also very guarded right now, waiting for the fertilization report. We don’t take anything for granted, and while our fert rate should be good… having that many embryos really still seems far-fetched. He’s scared, and I totally get that. We won’t know until tomorrow when I get that phone call. (And then we hold our breath until transfer, and then until our freeze report, and then until a pregnancy test. Cycling always makes me feel like I can’t breathe. Everything after starting stims is just so nervewracking.)

I’m really trying not to think about it, because I don’t want to fret myself into a corner… I’d really like to just savor this small victory for today… and hope it turns into an even bigger one.