My stomach has joined in The Fight Against The Rest Of My Healthy Body. Oohhhh has it. Major tummy troubles today… being stuck in traffic on the way home really really sucked. It keeps making noises. Gurgles. Very very unpleasant gurgles.

My appointment with the ENT is scheduled for next Tuesday afternoon. I really hope this virus thing will be gone by then so he can start looking closely at the other issues hiding beneath that won’t go away. Allergies maybe? I feel really whiny about that. I’ve never had allergies. I rather liked being allergy-less.

::

So I hear a lot of birth stories lately. A lot of them sound remarkably similar. Long pushing, failure to progress, c-section. Today I was trying to catch some details.

A frustrating theme I hear is of the nurses ignore the woman regarding the progression of labor. I’ve heard several stories of the woman KNOWING she was going fast, nurses telling her she isn’t. Guess who was right? I especially love it when no one is ready for the baby to come, so the doctor isn’t there, and they either tell the woman not to push or they *hold the baby in* so the doctor can rush in and “catch” the baby who was well on its way without him, thankyouverymuch. I just want to shriek when I heard these things. What the fuck??

But what really catches my ear is the pattern of things going too slow, so the doctors give medication, and when that fails they c-section. Or they just jump for the c-section. You know what I’m NOT hearing? Women being encouraged to change position! There is a time and a place for an epidural or other medication with the intention of getting labor past a stall – and it usually has to do with relaxing the woman, relaxing the muscles, and allowing labor to progress as it should. So there are instances that I’ve heard of that being used successfully – but in the overwhelming number of cases it fails. Changing positions is free, easy, and has remarkable success. Doulas and midwives know the value of this tool, and I hear it again and again. Laying on your back is usually the worst position to be in during labor. It’s common sense: you are pushing a heavy object out a small hole. You need gravity to work with you! And beyond that, every labor is different, every woman is different. Some women do best on their sides, some do best squatting, some do best reclining. And yet their first move is to impose the exact same position and progression on every woman. That makes no sense!

If nothing is working and there is reason for concern, then by all means call a section and get the baby out. But why on earth jump to that point before trying the most basic solution?

Oh wait: epidurals. And when the woman doesn’t have an epidural the nurses frequently forget that their patient can move because they are far more used to an epidural labor.

Just makes me shake my head. I know there is absolutely nothinig I can do for these women after the fact and in general I keep my mouth. But it really does underscore how important it is to educate the doctors and nurses and hospitals – and the patients.

Yesterday I was pulled over by a cop. This has never happened to me before. I certainly wasn’t expecting it on my way home from work, stuck in traffic for an hour, feeling ill. Of all days I just really really wanted to get home. There was flashing lights behind me, but when I pulled over to allow him to pass, as they always do, he didn’t pass me. He pulled in behind me.

Turns out it was just an overdue inspection sticker. I got a warning. Still, not pleasant, not pleasant at all. Especially when the cop is asking, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” standing tall and ominous outside my driver-side window. Especially when you’re an immigrant, albeit legal. Especially when you’ve had a really crap year and you just want to cry. And cry I did. Not sobbing at the cop, but dabbing at the silent tears welling up as I stared at the blurred streetlights while the cop sat with my license and registration in his car behind me. I sighed with detatched futility.

Today of course I knew I had to get the new sticker – but I had to work. New job, not like I can blow it off for an hour. And by the time I get out of work the inspection places are closed. I had 45 minutes for lunch to drive to a nearby auto inspection point and hope they could do it quickly. They had a wait, she informed me. About an hour. No good. I drove back to work.

The drive home was very interesting. I nervously watched my rearview mirror. I checked sidestreets. There was nothing I could do one way or another, but I held my breath. I tensed up as I drove down the stretch where I was pulled over yesterday – foolish thinking, my brain said, since the probability of it happening in exactly the same place two days in a row was slim to none. But I waited and watched anyways.

As I passed the spot I let out a sigh of relief. I wasn’t home yet. I wasn’t completely off guard. But I felt a little safer.

I thought to myself, maybe that could happen in my next pregnancy. I know we’ll all be holding our breath as I enter my 36th week of pregnancy. I know I’ll be checking all the cross-streets. I know I’ll be gripping the wheel. But maybe, just maybe, once we get past that I’ll be able to relax a little.

I missed out, and I carry that weight every day – especially seeing my co-worker draw close to her due date. Would I have gotten swollen ankles at the end? Would my belly have finally broken some stretch marks? Would I ever have felt done and ready to move on? I’ll never know. My journey was cut short. I want another chance at that, too.

It will be a hard battle in my head and my heart. I will be terrified, but trying to hold on and stay strong. I can’t tell you what I’ll decide to do. But I will hold on as long as possible.

I picture myself laying down to bed with a burgeoning belly, inching closer to a due date. I imagine myself feeling the baby kick and feeling thankful in a way I could never have imagined for one more day with my gift. That’s all we ever really have, isn’t it. One more day.

I think this virus is finally on its way out of my system. Of course the three worst days of it were the three I had to work at the bank. I felt really bad about handling money when I’m sick. I used a lot of hand sanitizer. (This has really made me realize I’m going to get sick a lot more often now.) I still felt crappy yesterday morning, but by evening my sinuses are clearing out. This morning my throat is bugging me… a byproduct of the drainage, I guess. I’ll be glad when this is gone.

::

Just when I think I’m finding my footing I feel like jumping off a bridge again. My car failed inspection. Frame is rotted, he said. What?? The guy – a snotty, I don’t give a shit about your life guy, shrugged and told me he doesn’t think there’s a way to fix it, the car is “old.” Old?? My last car was over 20 years old and in good shape. This one is 7! You don’t go shrugging and telling me it’s time to junk it! Fucking asshole!

Regardless, “frame” is not a word one ever wants to hear when it comes to broken car parts. I am in a panic. I just bought the car last year (at what time it passed inspection without a problem with the frame). We cannot afford to buy a new car.

I just feel so defeated. I don’t even have much optimism anymore. I walked up to the car with a sinking feeling… it could have passed inspection, it could have been a minor problem. But it wasn’t. It was exactly what I expected.

I really don’t know how to get past the anger. It is normal, my therapist says, it is normal. But I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling this way all the time.

I feel like lashing out all the time. Stupid comments, ignorant things, irritations that I really should just roll my eyes out. I feel the anger build and I want to throw down my stuff, storm out and quit. I QUIT. I’ve had ENOUGH of this stupid shit!

I haven’t yet. I don’t want to stupidly say something I’ll regret 2 seconds later. But I feel it simmering just under the surface, seething.

I don’t know what to do about it, I really don’t. I can write about it, vent and yell, but it’s still there. I think I liked the deep sadness better. At least that was justifiable, understandable. This seems so out of left field. It makes me feel so out of control.

I long for peace. I hope someday soon I can get past this.

And, my period is looking like it’s going to be late again. In fact with me being sick I’d say there’s a very good chance my period could be a week or so late. This pisses me off. I had over a year of 28-day cycles. Now I have 32, 33 day cycles.

This is throwing my timing for my IVF cycle all out of whack, pushing things back a week or even two. I could end up with everything happening on christmas day at this rate. One of the last things I have left is the ability to plan out my IVF cycle, or so I thought… now I don’t even have that left.

Yeah, it’s fucked. Big huge rusted out hole in the frame. And the guy said… wait for it… “I’ve never seen that before.” Oh. My. Fucking. God. Can I STOP hearing that term in relation to me?? Or maybe I could see it in terms of spontaneous pregnancy or something GOOD.

So. Car needs new frame. They’re going to try to find one off an old car that will work, or else it’s $$$.

So… where’s the nearest bridge? Or else I’m just going to curl up in the fetal position and cry for a good long while.

Saw the ENT today for my initial appointment. He checked things out in my nose and throat, no polyps or anything obvious. From my history and answers to some questions he is pretty much presuming that I have allergies of some kind that is keeping my nasal passages inflamed. So when I got sick last time it just made it all worse, the allergies is preventing it all from going back to normal, and so my throat can’t recover. Sounds about right to me. *sigh* He also said that I will get polyps if it’s allowed to stay in this yucky state.

So we’ve scheduled a full allergy screen for next tuesday. At the end of that they should be able to tell me what it is that I’m allergic to and what I can do to start feeling better.

Fucking allergies, man.

I feel like who I am is being stripped away one later at a time. I know allergies seems like a small issue to complain about. But I was never the girl who had allergies. Now I am. Every time I turn around there is something else foisted on me that completely redefines me. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

There was a moment today when I thought my period had started. I don’t think I’ve never been so happy at that prospect. I went skipping to the bathroom only to find out… wasn’t my period. Just the usual. I was disappointed.

Heading into cycle day 34 with no end in sight. Fantastic.

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. At 7pm I will be lighting a candle in memory of Devin and the other babies that we have lost.

There is too much grief in this world of babyloss… too many aching holes in our hearts. Not just for us mothers, either… but for everyone who walked beside us. Our families, our best friends, our blog readers. So many wept for us.

I know that nothing will bring Devin back, nothing will somehow make this easier. But I hope by reaching out – talking to coworkers, putting stickers on my car – that people will at least know that there is this world out there they never knew about and probably never really wanted to consider. People are not bad, they just don’t know. They don’t know how common it is. They don’t know how many of us suffer.

I will not grieve silently. My blog, and Devin’s website, are one of the ways that I ensure that his life is never forgotten. It is not much, but it is something.

Today we light a candle. Today we shed a tear. Today we remember.

I lit two candles in my front window, a purple and a blue (I didn’t have any pink). I want people to see from the street. Maybe someone out there will know why they’re lit tonight.

Then I lit the storm candle that I have been appreciating since Devin’s 6 month birthday.

It’s kind of peaceful.