Anger
I really don’t know how to get past the anger. It is normal, my therapist says, it is normal. But I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling this way all the time.
I feel like lashing out all the time. Stupid comments, ignorant things, irritations that I really should just roll my eyes out. I feel the anger build and I want to throw down my stuff, storm out and quit. I QUIT. I’ve had ENOUGH of this stupid shit!
I haven’t yet. I don’t want to stupidly say something I’ll regret 2 seconds later. But I feel it simmering just under the surface, seething.
I don’t know what to do about it, I really don’t. I can write about it, vent and yell, but it’s still there. I think I liked the deep sadness better. At least that was justifiable, understandable. This seems so out of left field. It makes me feel so out of control.
I long for peace. I hope someday soon I can get past this.
I’ve learned that I get peace from being angry, by being angry. Anger is our response to a situation that is more than disordered, it is wrong and brutally unfair and wholly terrible.
Be angry. It’s not right that this happened to you. It wasn’t right that Devin died. It’s not right that you should be in this terrible place.
Scream, yell, smash things, curse and howl. Run at the gym. Punch a pillow. Let the anger out.
Well, it is ok to yell, scream, etc. It’s ok to tell people, even friends, if they are being ignorant and such. (I know I’d like to be told if I was an idiot…)
It doesn’t equate in any fashion, but some things the anger will always be there. My examples are companies I’ve been fired from and people who have wronged me in the past. Hell, today driving past a company owed by the family of a kid I went to elementary school with (and was an asshole then) I flipped off. :P
I thought I was over this phase, but I was wrong. I think I have come to accept that I am going to be angry for a really long time. At least that’s what other mothers who have had losses a long time ago tell me. I second Mrs. Spit. Yell, and break something. It might make you feel better.
I think it’s just the stage of grief that you’re in right now. I know that doesn’t make you feel any better though. I’m sorry luv.